Venting i seriously think an early death (by ctb) is just kind of predestined for me

[rxcha]

When I was the most depressed I had ever been, what saved me was sports, specifically mma and bjj. life was seriously looking up for me back then, ctb was never on my mind because i found something i was really really passionate about. when i got into wrestling and hurt my ankle it didn't seem like a big deal and i just kept practicing. unfortunately a little later i got diagnosed with eds (ehler danlos syndrome) look up it or don't but its basically a connective tissue disorder that causes extreme hyper mobility (which made me pretty good at contact sports) but also often osteoarthritis early on (which makes me really disabled). i used to run a 5 minute mile and now i can't run, jump, or really do anything like that. it hasn't even been that long since i quit and that was already probably the most heartbreaking thing that had ever happened to me. and to be honest it was also the only thing keeping me sane from debilitating ocd. everytime i have something i truly enjoy it's taken from me for no reason. i've spent time reflecting on whether this is a simulation seriously meant to torture me specifically for no reason. i've listed off major recent things but it's comical what i've went through because it seems written for a tragic backstory or something. for the most part ive stayed strong but i can't work anymore without crying at least twice a shift. not even ctb anymore is much as it is euthanasia