I've always been weird, I never really had friends. Now I've gone and alienated myself from the only friends I did have and gotten evicted because I went full creep on my best friend/roommate. I don't want to live anymore being a creepy/psycho in the minds of anyone I ever cared about. My oldest friend, her family all my college friends. I haven't even been home in years, but I know my mom will hurt if I ctb. But I don't want to hurt anyone else or live in the world that I created. I know so many people here would have killed to have a friendship like that so I feel even more stupid and ungrateful that I burned it all for nothing. I've wanted to ctb since I was 13, laughing with her was one of the only things that made those thoughts quieter, but then I go and hurt her like this. I don't want a chance to do that again. I'm thinking CM out in the hills somewhere might be best, or a cliff in a secluded park? I don't want someone to have to deal with my body if I can help it.
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I'm kinda in your shoes, but the one I don't wanna hurt is my dad. However, you gotta be selfish in order to CTB because we live together but we die alone.
Good luck with whatever method you have on mind and hope you can find peace!!
See you around!
Good luck with whatever method you have on mind and hope you can find peace!!
See you around!
Uzera
Member
- Apr 11, 2020
- 77
Deleted member 17949
Visionary
- May 9, 2020
- 2,238
I feel bad about hurting people too, but it's just too much. How far can we expect our empathy to stretch when we've lost even the basic will to live that motivates most humans.
I wish it weren't but it was too far/creepy. I put a voice recorder in her car. I keep running in circles in my head because I wasn't even listening to the recordings, at least partially I wanted to know if she actually hated me/was going to bail on living with me. I don't know how it was so easy for me to do it. It was this awful premeditated thing.
I'm sorry, OP. I recently ruined my relationship with my life partner of six years. There were many aspects of my life that made me happy through the duration of that relationship, but the joy and hope of the relationship itself were the greatest factors. I know how it feels to lose that. I am despondent. Just telling you that I understand.
Maybe that's why it was so easy for me to do it? Subconsciously I felt like I had nothing to lose but I was so so wrong. It's not like the thoughts ever went away, they were better for a while but they were always there. I don't know. It's not worth justifying.
I'm sorry neverever, mine was platonic of 10 years so I can imagine but I know it's similar I hope we can both find our peace. I've been so desperate I'm clinging to these weird fringe/new age multiverse theories. It doesn't even feel real. I keep expecting to wake up like it's a nightmare, but I caused it.
It would most definitely tear most moms to pieces. Speaking from a mom's perspective, it would break my heart to know that my daughter was hurting as bad a you are without even letting me try to help.
ClairyFairy
Wizard
- Jan 22, 2021
- 622
Time is a great healer especially with things like this. Put some time between what happened and when you approach her. Also try writing to her. I did some creepy mad shit when I was unwell a while back and I just had to give her time to heal and apologised through a letter with no excuses attached. I cut off my ponytail and hung it on a tree outside their's (amongst other things) .
I have those feelings surrounding my mum. She keeps telling me how loved i am and how missed i would be but to be honest I feel like she's being a bit selfish trying to guilt me
I have similiar dillema because I don't think my mother deserves seeing her child in a coffin dead.
