I don't want to do it to my dad.

[warmsand]

I don't care about the rest of my family - they don't really care about me. But my dad is super sweet and I know it would crush him. He's had a lot of stress at work lately, too. He doesn't deserve it.

I wanted to wait for him to pass. That was my original plan, sometime in the future, years from now, to only CTB once he's gone to minimize the damage. But I can't see myself living past this year.

I'm so desperate to CTB. If he knew how I was feeling daily he would understand, right? How do you guys deal with the guilt of knowing your family is gonna find out?

I'd feel like such a piece of shit for doing this to him. Why can't I be stronger?

 

[YourAverageLurker]

Guilt is a pretty natural feeling for cared loved ones. If you're unsure or have doubts, you don't have to do it. However if you want to go down that path, you cant feel too guilty, and try to do what's best for you as a person. Hopefully they understand why you did what you did. Maybe write a note to tell them you love them and why you did what you did. Be strong

 

[XVII]

My father is one of the main reasons why I haven't done it yet. It would totally change his personality and his mental state negatively and I don't want to leave him like that. My father is a hard working man trying his best and I know exactly what he would think and feel about me if I CTB'd.
(CTB'd? idk man, I'm new here... is the s-word blacklisted or some shit?)

 

[saltero]

Unfortunately CTB doesn't get rid of the sadness but only passes it on to those around you. All you can do is try to explain in your final words what it was like for you and hope they understand.

 

[YourAverageLurker]

My father is one of the main reasons why I haven't done it yet. It would totally change his personality and his mental state negatively and I don't want to leave him like that. My father is a hard working man trying his best and I know exactly what he would think and feel about me if I CTB'd.
(CTB'd? idk man, I'm new here... is the s-word blacklisted or some shit?)

Just wanted to clarify in case you are uninformed, CTB = catch the bus aka suicide. Not sure on its origin to this site but we all use it instead of suicide.

 

[XVII]

Just wanted to clarify in case you are uninformed, CTB = catch the bus aka suicide. Not sure on its origin to this site but we all use it instead of suicide.

Gotchu. Yeah, I was lurking on this forum for about a year and I read somewhere CTB was "cease to breathe" and/or "catch the bus". I've been reading it as "cease to breathe" this whole time ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

[warmsand]

It would totally change his personality and his mental state negatively and I don't want to leave him like that.

That's what I'm scared of, too. It would completely ruin him, and he already has so much on his plate. He's provided for me his whole life and I'd feel like such a spoiled brat for killing myself just because I'm too weak to keep going. He's lived so long and done so much for me and my family, I don't want to ruin his mental state. It'd ruin the last years of his life and I don't know if I could do that to him.

 

[itsallpointless]

I'm in the exact same situation. I'm 30 this year and my dad is 68 years old. I thought I could endure until I was at least 50 till ctb'ing but I really can't do this for another 20-30 years. What is your situation like? What are your ages?

 

[warmsand]

I'm in the exact same situation. I'm 30 this year and my dad is 68 years old. I thought I could endure until I was at least 50 till ctb'ing but I really can't do this for another 20-30 years. What is your situation like? What are your ages?

I'm 19 and my dad is 61. Originally, I was gonna wait until he was gone, which I assumed would be when I was around 27-28 years. Even 30, I could've persisted to. But it's such a struggle for me; I can't imagine doing another decade of this. I'm sorry to hear you're going through something similar.

 

[ptolemaea]

you're someone who is in immense mental pain. i lurk sometimes on forums relating to suicide bereavement, and a lot of people express the sentiment that they are glad the person is at least no longer suffering. it's normal to feel guilt about what your death could do to your loved ones, but it doesn't change the fact you're suffering, and have a diminished quality of life as a result

 

[orca87]

I'm 36, and I feel the same for my mom as you feel for your dad.

It's so hard. And there is no advice I could give you.

Does he know how bad you feel from the inside?

 

[warmsand]

you're someone who is in immense mental pain. i lurk sometimes on forums relating to suicide bereavement, and a lot of people express the sentiment that they are glad the person is at least no longer suffering.

This is what I'd love to believe he would think. I know it would be painful for him but at the same time I have hope that he'd understand at least a little bit. Thank you for your words.

I'm 36, and I feel the same for my mom as you feel for your dad.

It's so hard. And there is no advice I could give you.

Does he know how bad you feel from the inside?

I'm sorry to hear you're going through something similar. My dad currently doesn't know, no one in my life does. I mean, if I die then he'd probably figure it out.

 

[trist]

i feel you, my dad was genuinely hurt when i tried to ctb before and i can't imagine what it's like for him when i actually succeed. but, same as for you, i just can't do this anymore and i would have to wait for quite a while as my dad is only 50 (i'm 19). i feel stuck.

 

[warmsand]

i feel you, my dad was genuinely hurt when i tried to ctb before and i can't imagine what it's like for him when i actually succeed. but, same as for you, i just can't do this anymore and i would have to wait for quite a while as my dad is only 50 (i'm 19). i feel stuck.

I'm sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how long the wait would be for you. I feel stuck, too. Sounds silly, but I wish I could die and get some random soul to possess my body, just so my body would still be alive and he wouldn't be hurt by my passing. But obviously that can't happen.

This entire situation is just upsetting. I wish it was easier for us.

 

[itsallpointless]

I'm sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how long the wait would be for you. I feel stuck, too. Sounds silly, but I wish I could die and get some random soul to possess my body, just so my body would still be alive and he wouldn't be hurt by my passing. But obviously that can't happen.

This entire situation is just upsetting. I wish it was easier for us.

if I do CTB, I will make it look like a natural death to at least relieve them from any guilt they might face. I know I can't relieve them from the loss of losing a child and it's not nice to say, but dealing with grief should be one of the things you open yourself to dealing with when you bring a child into this world.

 

[umjammertranner]

My dad currently doesn't know, no one in my life does. I mean, if I die then he'd probably figure it out.

Talk to him about it. He's your dad and he's there to help you, worst case scenario it'll give some forewarning (idk if that's the right phrase) if you do decide to ctb, it wont be completely out of nowhere for him

 

[warmsand]

if I do CTB, I will make it look like a natural death to at least relieve them from any guilt they might face. I know I can't relieve them from the loss of losing a child and it's not nice to say, but dealing with grief should be one of the things you open yourself to dealing with when you bring a child into this world.

A natural death is what I'd love, ideally. Kinda weird, but when I was a young (and dumb) teenager I'd try to give myself toxic shock syndrome, so my death would look like an accident. Stopped when I learned I could get paralyzed instead. I do agree with the last part, though. Having children doesn't come with a guarantee they're gonna outlive you, or like being alive in general. I just wish it wasn't so hard. No matter how I think about it, ultimately, it's my responsibility to be strong for him, and I really can't do it for much longer.

Talk to him about it. He's your dad and he's there to help you, worst case scenario it'll give some forewarning (idk if that's the right phrase) if you do decide to ctb, it wont be completely out of nowhere for him

I'd love to, but I have extreme anxiety even thinking about it. I suffer from schizoid personality disorder, so being vulnerable with anyone is kinda a no-no for me. Especially my dad; my parents were never the type to believe in mental health.

If I do bring it up, not only will I feel shame, but I'll probably be watched super carefully, which means no ordering SN. I can't let anyone know what I'm planning.

 

[Challu]

My sibling caught a glimpse of the "SANTIONED SUICIDE" banner on the front page yesterday before I closed the tab. It was one of those "barged in unannounced" type of things... anyway... I can now check the box for the "careless dumbass who alerts people to their dilemma by accident" cliche I see so much on here...

Today, they are trying to hug me and give some specific attention to my mental health, which is just some way to calm down their own suspicions rather than help me.

I believe I'll see my family again beyond the grave after they die.. but until then, im sure my death will cause a bit of separation in my family, but that's only because we were never really a "loving family". I don't want them to hurt.. but this constant feeling of hopelessness is just unbearable. I truly have nothing I want here. And it's unfortunate my family isn't enough of a reason to stay.

I remain undettered and waiting for my antiemetic.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm in the same boat- I'm only hanging on for my Dad now. I've thought about talking to him sometimes but I suppose my hope is that he would somehow understand and accept it- which, I know he won't. Seeing as there's nothing he can do to help, I think it would only hurt and worry him to tell him.

I've got most of my affairs in order. Now, I'm just treading water as best I can and waiting.

There's not much I can say- only that I'm sorry. I think a lot of us just hang on for as long as we can but sometimes it just becomes too much. I hope you can find peace with your decision- either way.

 

[angeliccry]

i know how hard it is for you but considering how much you're debating on whether or not to do it i believe you should take your time and seriously think, ask yourself if it really is worth it. considering how much guilt you would feel if you ultimately do it, i doubt it'll be enjoyable. take your time with life, spend time with him, just rest. don't act on impulses, you can take it slow and steady, it'll be alright.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a difficult situation to be trapped in, but my view on this subject is that I could never be obligated to exist as I only exist in the first place as an unnecessary consequence of the selfish decision to procreate. Death and loss are just an inevitable part of life even if it upsets other people. We are all destined to die someday and be forgotten about, and anyway whatever happens in this world after we are gone could never be our concern.

 

[H.O.Xan]

yh damn, u caught my interest, this is a sticky situation to be in. Other than writing a note, wut other ideas u got in mind OP?

 

[Sparx]

I don't want to do it to my Dad either as he's old and it would probably ruin his remaining years. But I'm in pain.

 

[warmsand]

yh damn, u caught my interest, this is a sticky situation to be in. Other than writing a note, wut other ideas u got in mind OP?

I have no other ideas. I'm just gonna hope I can eventually get the strength to do it, that's all.

I don't want to do it to my Dad either as he's old and it would probably ruin his remaining years. But I'm in pain.

I don't want to ruin my dad's remaining years either. I feel so selfish doing this but like you, I'm in pain, too.

 

[man_in_red:)]

If it's such a serious concern of yours then I would suggest putting it off and really reflecting on every single pro and con of your ctb. maybe do something special with him like something that would evoke a feeling of nostalgia, people tend to start drifting away from the ones closet to them when they start loosing hope, I know I have.

 

[darklight442]

I don't care about the rest of my family - they don't really care about me. But my dad is super sweet and I know it would crush him. He's had a lot of stress at work lately, too. He doesn't deserve it.

I wanted to wait for him to pass. That was my original plan, sometime in the future, years from now, to only CTB once he's gone to minimize the damage. But I can't see myself living past this year.

I'm so desperate to CTB. If he knew how I was feeling daily he would understand, right? How do you guys deal with the guilt of knowing your family is gonna find out?

I'd feel like such a piece of shit for doing this to him. Why can't I be stronger?

It sounds like your dad loves you so much and he's trying his best for you, I think it's only fair if you try your best for him too. I don't think he will be able to understand and might blame himself for this. I hear that there is still doubt in your mind which is a good thing. It's like there are two sides of you fighting at the same time which can be exhausting, but you are being consumed by the bad thoughts and desires that are there. you still have that good side of you which means you can still have hope inside you. your only 19 and have so much ahead of you that you don't even know yet. If you ever need a friend to talk to or hangout with I'm down to play minecraft or games together if that's something you enjoy because i love games. I really hope the best for you

 

[warmsand]

It sounds like your dad loves you so much and he's trying his best for you, I think it's only fair if you try your best for him too. I don't think he will be able to understand and might blame himself for this. I hear that there is still doubt in your mind which is a good thing. It's like there are two sides of you fighting at the same time which can be exhausting, but you are being consumed by the bad thoughts and desires that are there. you still have that good side of you which means you can still have hope inside you. your only 19 and have so much ahead of you that you don't even know yet. If you ever need a friend to talk to or hangout with I'm down to play minecraft or games together if that's something you enjoy because i love games. I really hope the best for you

Thank you. I think I'll try to do my best for him. My original plans were to wait, anyway. I've come to the realization that I'll most likely end up waiting until I'm out of my parents' house and my dad is gone to actually do anything, assuming I don't go through any horrible episodes between now and then.

Thank you, your words are so kind. I haven't played minecraft in a while, I used to with friends but since they've been gone I haven't played since and it's super hard to muster the will to start again.

 

[sorrowful]

I am the same with my grandma. Though she is very sick at the moment as we recently discovered she has cancer.

Thing is I don't want to see her pass, I don't know how I would react She is one of the only people in my life that I can say I loved, I never felt I could connect with most people, but she looked after me when no one else did.

I also don't want to cause her any more suffering, especially in the condition she is in. I feel so horrible and unsure of what to do, I have discussed suicide with her a few times, she understands as she is aware of how much I'm suffering but also wishes that I could have a better future. However no matter what I know it would hurt her. It's a difficult situation to be in.

 

[warmsand]

I am the same with my grandma. Though she is very sick at the moment as we recently discovered she has cancer.

Thing is I don't want to see her pass, I don't know how I would react She is one of the only people in my life that I can say I loved, I never felt I could connect with most people, but she looked after me when no one else did.

I also don't want to cause her any more suffering, especially in the condition she is in. I feel so horrible and unsure of what to do, I have discussed suicide with her a few times, she understands as she is aware of how much I'm suffering but also wishes that I could have a better future. However no matter what I know it would hurt her. It's a difficult situation to be in.

I don't want to see my dad pass, either. Death is super scary in any capacity, not just in regards to suicide. Dying is a part of life, though, and I believe that a child watching their parent or grandparent die is much healthier than the reverse.

I hope you find peace with your situation, and no matter what happens, remember that there are others going through similar.

 

[darklight442]

Thank you. I think I'll try to do my best for him. My original plans were to wait, anyway. I've come to the realization that I'll most likely end up waiting until I'm out of my parents' house and my dad is gone to actually do anything, assuming I don't go through any horrible episodes between now and then.

Thank you, your words are so kind. I haven't played minecraft in a while, I used to with friends but since they've been gone I haven't played since and it's super hard to muster the will to start again.

If you ever muster up some strength to play i would love to play with you!! There's so many fun new updates and I can make a server for us if that's easier, i can give you my discord if you're interested. Just let me know :)