Venting i don't want to die but i think i have to

[dangerstars]

this is my first post here so i guess it's like an introduction too lmao

my parents screwed me up in so many ways. the only chance i have at having any sort of future or life is so slim and if i don't ever make it out of here i can't imagine living very long. i've been suicidal for the majority of my life and have BPD as long as some other illnesses. for over a year mostly throughout 2024 i went through a good phase of not being suicidal and was almost 2 years clean of self harm before i had a really bad relapse and i just have not been the same since then.

i'm at the point in my life where i would do literally anything to live a long and happy and NORMAL life but there's genuinely no way i can and i don't want to live the way i do. for a little bit i was kind of enjoying existing but didn't think i would for very long and i don't. i have issues with my relationships and break down over my friends just having other friends who aren't me and i hate that and everything else about myself.

i also love my friends too much and they would be so devastated if i was gone so i think them as well as my cats are the only things that might keep me going. i dunno. i used to think this website was some sort of evil terrible place but the more i've lurked the nicer it's seemed and people here seem like the only people who can understand what i've been going through. i hope ur all doing well

 

[Pale_Rider]

I noticed you purposely made all your I's lowercase? Just curious.

I used to wish, and hope for happiness. I know that's not going to happen now. The noose will only get tighter.
Hope is the most beautiful form of denial as they say.

 

[dangerstars]

I noticed you purposely made all your I's lowercase? Just curious.

that's just how i've always typed. i do type in full grammar sometimes just depends on my mood lmao

Hope is the most beautiful form of denial as they say.

i like that quote but i'm probably going to stay in denial for a while. i know it's not going to get better so i like to believe in a reality where it does

 

[Pale_Rider]

that's just how i've always typed. i do type in full grammar sometimes just depends on my mood lmao


i like that quote but i'm probably going to stay in denial for a while. i know it's not going to get better so i like to believe in a reality where it does

That's cool. I like your typing.

 

[empatheticJellyfish]

i've seen myself also fall into the same pit with relationships. i'm a quite sensitive person i'd say, so anything that even emulates the slightest feeling of "you're not needed anymore" really takes a while to recover from.

i'm glad you're finding solace in some of your friends and pets. it's good to have something worthwhile as an anchor for your life. though devoting your life solely onto other people could really backfire... it doesn't hurt to lean on others for a change.