Venting I don't want to die but I don't know what else I can do

[skyunderthesea]

I have a lot of trauma from my past that I've been dwelling on more and more. I also went through a breakup recently and that's been stirring the feelings of nobody loving me that I have from my parents hating me. All this has led to me not working much, not applying for classes and ignoring my credit card debt. I spend what money I do get on alcohol. I can't stop drinking every night. I hate what I've become. I feel like a failure. I feel like a disappointment to my grandparents, who I live with and are happy I'm going to college and making something of myself. I'm scared of pain, and very broke, but I saw the ratchet strap and beanbag choking method and it's so easy and painless and cheap that it kinda scared me out of it for a sec. I called a suicide crisis line and have some more resources. It still seems so hard, part of me still wants to just give up and tighten the ratchet strap. I feel so trapped. I don't want to admit just how bad I'm doing. I want to get better but I don't know if I have the strength to. I don't want my grandparents to know. I don't want to look crazy. I usually can't cry when I'm sober no matter what but the thoughts and plans of suicide are so real and terrifying I just start bursting into tears. I don't want this. Why does getting better have to be so hard? Why do I have to put all this effort in when I could've just never been born?

 

[antarctica]

im sorry youre going through this, i dont think youre crazy. it really hurts to pretend everything is ok when youre falling apart. if you can hold on a bit longer i hope things get easier somehow. i know breakups feel the worst right after they happen. being alive is really difficult but the worst thing of all can be the feeling of being alone in your feelings and drowning in them. i have also often felt trapped and overwhelmed by life itself, of pain, and of failing others. if you are taking classes you are probably around my age since i just got out of school. i felt most helpless and humiliated during that time especially with the expectations of others and what i couldnt achieve. it is an extreme amount of stress. it hurts more than anything, and it scared me to feel like i was on the precipice of the rest of my life looking at a difficult future.

i think youre a strong person because you went through all this and you still have the hope inside to get better. i hope talking about this eased your pain a bit.

 

[skyunderthesea]

Thank you. I'm scared my grandparents are gonna come home and notice I'm different. Everyone's been asking if I'm ok. I usually hide everything but I just can't anymore. It really feels like the end of the road. I went to the bar with my friends hours after researching suicide methods and one of them immediately asked if I was ok. I was trying to hide it but clearly it seeps through. I'm drinking again and I've started choking myself just to have a taste of how it'll feel. I'm scared of myself. I need to tell my friends but I don't want to burden them or make them panic and call 911 on me :(. They don't deserve to have me burden them. People always say they wish their dead loved one had reached out but how many of them would've really reacted appropriately? I've been using my ex who ignores all my messages to vent about it but he's decided to see them. Some part of me wants him to talk to me about it but I mostly just need to vent about it before I do it.

 

[Secro]

You don't have to be anything special as long as you can stay afloat and find something worth living for; your problem is that you're talking yourself down.

 

[thereishope220]

I have a lot of trauma from my past that I've been dwelling on more and more. I also went through a breakup recently and that's been stirring the feelings of nobody loving me that I have from my parents hating me. All this has led to me not working much, not applying for classes and ignoring my credit card debt. I spend what money I do get on alcohol. I can't stop drinking every night. I hate what I've become. I feel like a failure. I feel like a disappointment to my grandparents, who I live with and are happy I'm going to college and making something of myself. I'm scared of pain, and very broke, but I saw the ratchet strap and beanbag choking method and it's so easy and painless and cheap that it kinda scared me out of it for a sec. I called a suicide crisis line and have some more resources. It still seems so hard, part of me still wants to just give up and tighten the ratchet strap. I feel so trapped. I don't want to admit just how bad I'm doing. I want to get better but I don't know if I have the strength to. I don't want my grandparents to know. I don't want to look crazy. I usually can't cry when I'm sober no matter what but the thoughts and plans of suicide are so real and terrifying I just start bursting into tears. I don't want this. Why does getting better have to be so hard? Why do I have to put all this effort in when I could've just never been born?

Yknow, saying that you dont want to die is enough. If this isn't the path you want for yourself dont do it. Life can change. And all that effort you put into getting better WILL show with how your life cans and WILL change. I completely get how stuck you feel, and I'm not pushing you in any particular direction, but remember there is always, always hope.

 

[skyunderthesea]

Yknow, saying that you dont want to die is enough. If this isn't the path you want for yourself dont do it. Life can change. And all that effort you put into getting better WILL show with how your life cans and WILL change. I completely get how stuck you feel, and I'm not pushing you in any particular direction, but remember there is always, always hope.

I'm so tired of trying. I've spent so long trying to pull myself out of the various pits I've been shoved in or even got myself into. I just don't have the energy to carry on anymore. I'm so tired. I just want my memories to stop. I don't really want to kill myself per se, but I do wish I was dead or never born. I wish I could wake up with a better life, but with all the effort I see ahead of me, I just want to give up and make it all stop. I don't know how to keep going when I'm haunted by all the horrible things that happened to me.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I'm so tired of trying. I've spent so long trying to pull myself out of the various pits I've been shoved in or even got myself into. I just don't have the energy to carry on anymore. I'm so tired. I just want my memories to stop. I don't really want to kill myself per se, but I do wish I was dead or never born. I wish I could wake up with a better life, but with all the effort I see ahead of me, I just want to give up and make it all stop. I don't know how to keep going when I'm haunted by all the horrible things that happened to me.

Holy shit. I have never related to someone so much in my life. Do you have ptsd?

I have issues with past alcohol and drug use. Sober now. Did it to block out the memories that totally weren't affecting me.. lol

I didn't want to die but I felt I like I was a burden and I deserved to to stop my family from suffering. I talked to ppl on here to will myself to do it (against the rules you will get banned for doing that don't even try it) and got rid of almost everything I owned messaged police cancelled internet subscriptions factory reset all electronics this was so I felt like i had no choice, I was forcing myself and I didn't even want to die! So sad

I failed. I haven't had the heart to kill mysekf since but oh boy did I struggle. Relapsed on meth, lost two jobs, have bordered on homelessness! Lost all my money in serious credit card debt utterly broke my bf has multiple sclerosis my life is arguably worse now than it was before

Yet I finally accepted I have ptsd. I'm back on adhd meds. I fucking hate Trauma treatment it feels like torture it's so hard it's horrible! Yet I feel like I'm actually going to get better for once. Never did I think I'd be here. I thought I'd be dead or on the street or in jail by now

So yeah… recovery is hard, it takes so much energy, I totally get why people say fuck it

Yet

Clinging so desperately onto life… yet wanting to die… when you don't want to die… but you just have to…

Yeah

What a dark place to be. I hope you're ok wherever you are. If you come back pms always open