Help I don't think I fully understand platonic connection

[LonelyIsTheMuse]

Does anyone else just feel like they're never themselves fully?

Like I'm literally aware that I'm forcing my personality a lot of times just to fit in but I can't stop doing it, especially if it's around someone that I really want to talk with but it usually has the opposite effect, obviously. Because people can usually tell when you're not being genuine.

I just genuinely don't know how to stop, I've tried a lot with limited success, I want to be liked and not alone so badly that I end up just shooting myself in the foot.

I think it's probably masking but like... even when I medicate I just can't stop.

And what's more I never know how to exactly fully connect with people, like I don't know how to explain it, I have friends, I'm great at first talks and small talk and surface level things but some kind of magic has to happen to actually secure the friendship, start hanging out, fully reveal myself and do literally normal people things like asking them to hang out. I think I don't get when it's okay to start doing that or what? I just don't feel comfortable in my skin around friends for some reason.

Somehow the thing that makes me really comfortable with people is s*x. I feel just like myself after I do it with someone. Well that works with partners, but not so much friends... Help?

 

[WirelessConnections]

Like I'm literally aware that I'm forcing my personality a lot of times just to fit in but I can't stop doing it, especially if it's around someone that I really want to talk with but it usually has the opposite effect, obviously. Because people can usually tell when you're not being genuine.

I have somewhat similar struggles. I think that this is a very normal thing, see how people make jokes about "friend group A and B" on social media. Different combinations of people usually have very different dynamics I think. I don't usually get perceived as being fake/not genuine, but I do struggle with putting too much emotional weight on new friendships because I don't talk with new people very frequently. I think for you maybe that same issue is just manifesting itself in a more noticeable way?

I have friends, I'm great at first talks and small talk and surface level things but some kind of magic has to happen to actually secure the friendship, start hanging out, fully reveal myself and do literally normal people things like asking them to hang out. I think I don't get when it's okay to start doing that or what?

I act pretty similarly. I recently had a new friendship fail and I think it was partly because I didn't reach out and ask them to call or spend time, I'd always just wait for them to do it because I was scared to come off as clingy or something. The same person also commented that they felt like I was "just being a yes man" at one point which kinda made me feel weird lol. I probably was being overly agreeable because I admired the person, but I felt weird cus I wasn't being actually being dishonest about anything I said.

 

[LonelyIsTheMuse]

I have somewhat similar struggles. I think that this is a very normal thing, see how people make jokes about "friend group A and B" on social media. Different combinations of people usually have very different dynamics I think. I don't usually get perceived as being fake/not genuine, but I do struggle with putting too much emotional weight on new friendships because I don't talk with new people very frequently. I think for you maybe that same issue is just manifesting itself in a more noticeable way?

Hmmm, yeah I do have a friend group A, B, C and D, as well as individual separate friends and different things happen with all of them. One group barely calls me to hang nowadays which maybe it is because I am not part of the core group and the majority are men, I don't want to be quick to assume the worst, but they do interact with me one way or another. Nobody has outright told me I come off as fake, in serious interactions I am typically very genuine, I think I didn't explain myself very well, it's more like.... I wish I could be a fly on the wall sometimes when my mutual friends interact with one another when I'm not there so I can learn from that.
Like, maybe I don't joke around the right way or I don't show my interests well enough, I don't know, I just know I'm putting a barrier between myself and people somehow, I really don't know how exactly.
But I'm also the same, I put too much weight on new friendships and I'm sure that's scared off people in the past.
I think I really just need a best friend whom I can always hang out with and someone to whom I'm the first choice if that makes sense. But that's not something that just up and happens. I did have best friends before this but I had to cut them off because they were treating me very poorly.

I act pretty similarly. I recently had a new friendship fail and I think it was partly because I didn't reach out and ask them to call or spend time, I'd always just wait for them to do it because I was scared to come off as clingy or something. The same person also commented that they felt like I was "just being a yes man" at one point which kinda made me feel weird lol. I probably was being overly agreeable because I admired the person, but I felt weird cus I wasn't being actually being dishonest about anything I said.

The thing is I do reach out and I call
Just, I don't know, I still can't cross into those really comfortable friendships where you hang out at their place all day long and see each other every day and it never feels forced or anything and happens super spontaneously. I'm aware it's also because people are busy but I'm really just craving that kinda dynamic, it's just I really don't know how to get from point A to point B.
About the "yes man" thing, some people are just weird I guess? Or maybe they just assumed because they didn't know you that well, I'm unsure

 

[To_bareTo_tear]

Does anyone else just feel like they're never themselves fully?

Like I'm literally aware that I'm forcing my personality a lot of times just to fit in but I can't stop doing it, especially if it's around someone that I really want to talk with but it usually has the opposite effect, obviously. Because people can usually tell when you're not being genuine.

I just genuinely don't know how to stop, I've tried a lot with limited success, I want to be liked and not alone so badly that I end up just shooting myself in the foot.

I think it's probably masking but like... even when I medicate I just can't stop.

And what's more I never know how to exactly fully connect with people, like I don't know how to explain it, I have friends, I'm great at first talks and small talk and surface level things but some kind of magic has to happen to actually secure the friendship, start hanging out, fully reveal myself and do literally normal people things like asking them to hang out. I think I don't get when it's okay to start doing that or what? I just don't feel comfortable in my skin around friends for some reason.

Somehow the thing that makes me really comfortable with people is s*x. I feel just like myself after I do it with someone. Well that works with partners, but not so much friends... Help?

I really relate to your experience although I haven't had any overtly romantic involvement with someone I've always felt like all my friendship are more exchanges than anything I can rely on it's not even a matter of being myself I just couldn't connect compared to people I'm actually in love with. Maybe looking into the aplatonic identity can help you? There's a Reddit for it and people talk about their experiences there maybe you'll find out more about yourself.

 

[Gloomic]

Does anyone else just feel like they're never themselves fully?

Like I'm literally aware that I'm forcing my personality a lot of times just to fit in but I can't stop doing it, especially if it's around someone that I really want to talk with but it usually has the opposite effect, obviously. Because people can usually tell when you're not being genuine.

I just genuinely don't know how to stop, I've tried a lot with limited success, I want to be liked and not alone so badly that I end up just shooting myself in the foot.

I think it's probably masking but like... even when I medicate I just can't stop.

And what's more I never know how to exactly fully connect with people, like I don't know how to explain it, I have friends, I'm great at first talks and small talk and surface level things but some kind of magic has to happen to actually secure the friendship, start hanging out, fully reveal myself and do literally normal people things like asking them to hang out. I think I don't get when it's okay to start doing that or what? I just don't feel comfortable in my skin around friends for some reason.

Somehow the thing that makes me really comfortable with people is s*x. I feel just like myself after I do it with someone. Well that works with partners, but not so much friends... Help?

As someone who has been socially isolated and communication doesn't come naturally to me, I also have to mimic others' actions and monitor my language to appear more appealing. Take my advice with a grain of salt, though I believe there has to be balance in the way you come across. Do not be too desperate, because that will make people uncomfortable. Do not be too emotionally guarded, because that drives people away. Have an expectation set in your mind that friendships occur naturally, not by force, and don't be hard on yourself when the friendship attempt doesn't succeed. Hanging out and fully opening yourself has to be done when comfortable with the person and will happen within time. Those types of things do not have to be rushed or spilled out immediately to make some personal connection. Let people catch glimpses of your true self, and see how they react, then decide from there. When people notice you have personality that isn't dependent on others' opinions, there are people who will be drawn in to become your friends. As for the intercourse part of things, it may come from the predictability of having that transactional relationship that makes you more comfortable in comparison to friendships that are not as predictable.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Sorry, but, how can you force a personality? I'm lost. You either are something or you are not.

 

[LonelyIsTheMuse]

wow I didn't expect this many replies, sorry if I take awhile to respond!

Sorry, but, how can you force a personality? I'm lost. You either are something or you are not.

Mmm, I'm not sure if I can explain effectively, but it's not that I don't have a personality for example. It's kinda like "oh I should be more cheery in this context" orrr "oh I should do these same jokes here" or "ohh I should do more of x trait to be more accepted in x group"
Like, I tend to do this the most around people I want to be friends with really badly but as I said it usually achieves the opposite effect, I don't always do it consciously too, it's like my mind goes in overdrive and I just default to "yup I should just mimic them somehow to make this feel comfortable, why risk showing your actual behaviour"
and then I leave that anxiety mode and I'm like "why in the world did I do that when I said I wouldn't anymore"

I really relate to your experience although I haven't had any overtly romantic involvement with someone I've always felt like all my friendship are more exchanges than anything I can rely on it's not even a matter of being myself I just couldn't connect compared to people I'm actually in love with. Maybe looking into the aplatonic identity can help you? There's a Reddit for it and people talk about their experiences there maybe you'll find out more about yourself.

yeahhh it always kinda feels like platonic people are at a bit of an arms length away from me. I don't know, I don't even feel comfortable being hugged by friends all that much? Not completely uncomfortable, but I don't know why I've come to associate most touches with romance or sexual tension, it really sucks.
I don't know if I want to limit myself with labels because I want to fix this, I don't want to only feel satisfied from romantic and sexual relationships because that leaves me in a really vulnerable position and has already made me suffer quite a bit.
I'm just hoping I can rewire my brain a bit and figure out why I am the way that I am.
I have already improved in a ton of stuff related to interpersonal relationships but there's a whole lot more that I don't understand yet and that I need to work on.

 

[MisterOGBongWater]

never related to a post more in my life here. like everything you said word for word is how i feel. sometimes it makes me feel like im not a real person almost a background npc for everyone. the only exception is my girlfriend, but like you said, i wasnt able to drop my barrier till we first had sex. i think i became more real after that so to speak.

Does nobody ever ask you to hang out? You say you have friends, as do i, (more like my brothers friends/ our cousins) but they NEVER ask me to socialize with them.

im just in a groupchat and sometimes we game online together. but they never ask me to go out with them when they do.


Does that happen to you too? makes me wonder why id be even included in the way i am. Almost like i am used as a social filler. i think thats what it is for me anyway. im not in anybodys circle. How am i even supposed to enter one? i dont think anybody really likes me for me, just the mask i put on. but people can probably tell its disingenuous. Even my girlfriend told me she felt like i put on a personality front to appear more stable, kind of implying i tricked her.
When the closest person you have is only around because you tricked them into thinking your worth loving, that stings a lot.

Maybe everyone is just fronting and some of us do it better and get in those social circles because of it, and some of us are just bound to lose.
I really love life for what it is at its raw core. it makes me really really sad that its so cruel and that i have to die one day. but at the same time when you are reminded consistently that you dont matter, it makes letting go a little easier everyday for me.
Sorry for ranting. ive been drinking.