Help I dont know what I am or what to do

[PenguinsAreCool]

Hi, today I got diagnosed with ADD. Im not on medication just yet because my doctor told me to increase my antidepressants dosage to see if that changes anything first. I might also be going to therapy in the next few weeks-
But I'm having trouble.

Im 20 years old, and I haven't been able to work. My first 3 jobs have all ended terribly, with me wanting to kill myself and almost doing it all 3 times. Ever since than, I've been afraid of working. Working a job that might end in my depression getting more severe and suicidal thoughts that might be the end of me.

I want to get better, because my bf is by my side. But its hard.

What should I do?

I have a severe fear of working, but I want to earn. I dont know whats wrong with me. Its been what's causing me trouble the past few weeks. My family is in debt, im in debt. And its all so frustrating. I don't know why my brain keeps telling me that I can't work, that I won't be able to earn.

I just don't know where else to turn to for advice. But its all starting to crush my mental state.

If anyone has any advice, I will gladly listen/read. Thank you. And sorry for the rant.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hey.
First of all sorry to hear that :(
and don't be sorry for the rant, it isn't one, and you are clearly Not goint through a great time so the least you can do is vent some of it, if it helps a bit.
My job experience has also been such a sad crawl, trying miserably to keep up appearances, quite dying inside, I think I was doing more acting work there than what I was actually supposed to be working as. Took a lot more effort at least. So yeah if you are suicidally depressed already a job like that can worsen it and even break you for a while... which sucks specially when money is important. So again, I'm sorry, I feel u there.

I don't know about specific advice, but if you don't know "what's wrong with you" I think that should be the start. Try to identify what out of the work experience and time you spend there triggers you. Is it the stress? the social anxiety? responsabilities you feel overwhelmed by or think you are not good enough for? Maybe try to find and discard the factors that Don't trigger you, so it's easier to single out those that do. Maybe it's a mix of a few. Try to think what thoughts pop up in relation to work, what does your brain say if you press it about why you can't work.
Since I don't know exactly what you go through I'd say that should be the starting point so you could adress it, and I'd be glad if you were to start therapy soon, as that can help with that.

In any case, until you got that figured, try to take it easy. I hope the meds work a bit too. If you wanna get better then that is still very much an option, rely on your boyfriend and those around you, that helps a ton too and if you are already doing it, keep at it, it's one of the best advice out there. Big hugs your way <3

 

[Forever Sleep]

I agree with getoutgirl, that it would be good to try and nail down which elements were stressful, so you can focus on tackling them a bit at a time.

To be honest, many new jobs are stressful at the start. You're trying to learn the ropes. Possibly doing something you've never done before. Plus, many jobs cause us to be 'on show' in some way with colleagues watching and assessing us. Some aren't all that supportive either. I've had some very anxious experiences associated with work.

As far as advice goes, it's kind of tricky. The ideal would be to find somewhere with a supportive working environment but, it can be tricky to spot them from a brief interview or, observation.

Have you considered trying to get work experience? They may be more likely to go easy on someone they're not paying! Plus, it can give you a taste of the work and might give you a foot in the door if a job comes up there.

May I ask what kind of work it was? Obviously, not meaning to get too specific but- retail, office, factory, warehouse? What were the people like? That can make a huge difference- if the people aren't very friendly and everyone is under pressure.

Truly though- you're not alone by any means. I've known the most competent and talented of people have to rush to the toilet to cry. One colleague said she cried every morning before work. I used to cry when I got home. Plenty of people struggle. It doesn't feel the most natural of environments for a lot of us.

 

[theboy]

You need a quiet job with little to moderate stress
A part-time job, for example

 

[PenguinsAreCool]

Hey.
First of all sorry to hear that :(
and don't be sorry for the rant, it isn't one, and you are clearly Not goint through a great time so the least you can do is vent some of it, if it helps a bit.
My job experience has also been such a sad crawl, trying miserably to keep up appearances, quite dying inside, I think I was doing more acting work there than what I was actually supposed to be working as. Took a lot more effort at least. So yeah if you are suicidally depressed already a job like that can worsen it and even break you for a while... which sucks specially when money is important. So again, I'm sorry, I feel u there.

I don't know about specific advice, but if you don't know "what's wrong with you" I think that should be the start. Try to identify what out of the work experience and time you spend there triggers you. Is it the stress? the social anxiety? responsabilities you feel overwhelmed by or think you are not good enough for? Maybe try to find and discard the factors that Don't trigger you, so it's easier to single out those that do. Maybe it's a mix of a few. Try to think what thoughts pop up in relation to work, what does your brain say if you press it about why you can't work.
Since I don't know exactly what you go through I'd say that should be the starting point so you could adress it, and I'd be glad if you were to start therapy soon, as that can help with that.

In any case, until you got that figured, try to take it easy. I hope the meds work a bit too. If you wanna get better then that is still very much an option, rely on your boyfriend and those around you, that helps a ton too and if you are already doing it, keep at it, it's one of the best advice out there. Big hugs your way <3

Thank you! Im doing my best to regain my strength and motivation to keep moving forward each day-
And I'll work on trying to figure out my triggers for work conditions-

Thank you so much for the response

I agree with getoutgirl, that it would be good to try and nail down which elements were stressful, so you can focus on tackling them a bit at a time.

To be honest, many new jobs are stressful at the start. You're trying to learn the ropes. Possibly doing something you've never done before. Plus, many jobs cause us to be 'on show' in some way with colleagues watching and assessing us. Some aren't all that supportive either. I've had some very anxious experiences associated with work.

As far as advice goes, it's kind of tricky. The ideal would be to find somewhere with a supportive working environment but, it can be tricky to spot them from a brief interview or, observation.

Have you considered trying to get work experience? They may be more likely to go easy on someone they're not paying! Plus, it can give you a taste of the work and might give you a foot in the door if a job comes up there.

May I ask what kind of work it was? Obviously, not meaning to get too specific but- retail, office, factory, warehouse? What were the people like? That can make a huge difference- if the people aren't very friendly and everyone is under pressure.

Truly though- you're not alone by any means. I've known the most competent and talented of people have to rush to the toilet to cry. One colleague said she cried every morning before work. I used to cry when I got home. Plenty of people struggle. It doesn't feel the most natural of environments for a lot of us.

I used to work at the hospital, as a porter and kitchen staff-
Then, when I quit, two months later I started working in childcare-
I know those fields are very VERY stressful, and I should've started off with something much easier-
But because of those experiences, even looking at jobs that are easier makes me feel uncomfortable and afraid