Help I dont know what I am or what to do

[PenguinsAreCool]

Hi, today I got diagnosed with ADD. Im not on medication just yet because my doctor told me to increase my antidepressants dosage to see if that changes anything first. I might also be going to therapy in the next few weeks-
But I'm having trouble.

Im 20 years old, and I haven't been able to work. My first 3 jobs have all ended terribly, with me wanting to kill myself and almost doing it all 3 times. Ever since than, I've been afraid of working. Working a job that might end in my depression getting more severe and suicidal thoughts that might be the end of me.

I want to get better, because my bf is by my side. But its hard.

What should I do?

I have a severe fear of working, but I want to earn. I dont know whats wrong with me. Its been what's causing me trouble the past few weeks. My family is in debt, im in debt. And its all so frustrating. I don't know why my brain keeps telling me that I can't work, that I won't be able to earn.

I just don't know where else to turn to for advice. But its all starting to crush my mental state.

If anyone has any advice, I will gladly listen/read. Thank you. And sorry for the rant.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hey.
First of all sorry to hear that :(
and don't be sorry for the rant, it isn't one, and you are clearly Not goint through a great time so the least you can do is vent some of it, if it helps a bit.
My job experience has also been such a sad crawl, trying miserably to keep up appearances, quite dying inside, I think I was doing more acting work there than what I was actually supposed to be working as. Took a lot more effort at least. So yeah if you are suicidally depressed already a job like that can worsen it and even break you for a while... which sucks specially when money is important. So again, I'm sorry, I feel u there.

I don't know about specific advice, but if you don't know "what's wrong with you" I think that should be the start. Try to identify what out of the work experience and time you spend there triggers you. Is it the stress? the social anxiety? responsabilities you feel overwhelmed by or think you are not good enough for? Maybe try to find and discard the factors that Don't trigger you, so it's easier to single out those that do. Maybe it's a mix of a few. Try to think what thoughts pop up in relation to work, what does your brain say if you press it about why you can't work.
Since I don't know exactly what you go through I'd say that should be the starting point so you could adress it, and I'd be glad if you were to start therapy soon, as that can help with that.

In any case, until you got that figured, try to take it easy. I hope the meds work a bit too. If you wanna get better then that is still very much an option, rely on your boyfriend and those around you, that helps a ton too and if you are already doing it, keep at it, it's one of the best advice out there. Big hugs your way <3