Venting I don't care that my suicide will wreck lives any more, and it feels weird

[snallygaster]

When I was a lot younger, the one reason to stick around (aka my excuse for always chickening out of attempts lol) was because I knew that suicide would destroy my family. Not just because of the guilt of being the cause of that destruction, but because it was highly upsetting to think about as a kid. Cut to now — older, few failed attempts under my belt. Completely and utterly stuck with living and being a servant to my folks due to the way they treated me during my upbringing. Vague statement, but I don't feel like unpacking it.

I've been putting together an exit plan that will be hard to fuck up, and knowing I will most likely succeed, I don't feel a shred of those feelings of guilt and sadness about the aftermath any more. I genuinely cannot make myself, either. It's to the point I can almost feel jovial that it will hurt them, because a lot of my problems, both currently and long-term, stem from them. I wouldn't say I feel guilty about feeling this way, just weird, sad and very disappointed that I've grown so apathetic. I know that I'm feeling this way is because my patience for being alive is running thin. I just really thought that I'd never get to this stage, or at least, be able to live a crumb of an actual life outside of my family before so.

Sorry if this is hard to understand or written weirdly, it's very late where I am.

 

[lunar02102009]

When I was a lot younger, the one reason to stick around (aka my excuse for always chickening out of attempts lol) was because I knew that suicide would destroy my family. Not just because of the guilt of being the cause of that destruction, but because it was highly upsetting to think about as a kid. Cut to now — older, few failed attempts under my belt. Completely and utterly stuck with living and being a servant to my folks due to the way they treated me during my upbringing. Vague statement, but I don't feel like unpacking it.

I've been putting together an exit plan that will be hard to fuck up, and knowing I will most likely succeed, I don't feel a shred of those feelings of guilt and sadness about the aftermath any more. I genuinely cannot make myself, either. It's to the point I can almost feel jovial that it will hurt them, because a lot of my problems, both currently and long-term, stem from them. I wouldn't say I feel guilty about feeling this way, just weird, sad and very disappointed that I've grown so apathetic. I know that I'm feeling this way is because my patience for being alive is running thin. I just really thought that I'd never get to this stage, or at least, be able to live a crumb of an actual life outside of my family before so.

Sorry if this is hard to understand or written weirdly, it's very late where I am.

I understand you ig im selfish because im definitely killing myself even though i know it might hurt my family

 

[ringo99]

I'm exactly where you are right now. Part of the reason I've been plugging along is because of my parents. I now realize that me going on living is just a slower and more painful death for all of us. Best to rip off the band aid as soon as I can