Proteus
Oceanic Member
- Feb 6, 2024
- 300
TL;DR: I was regularly hit, insulted, neglected, abused, gaslighted, manipulated and secluded from the outer world by my parents.
Finally, after almost a month, I gathered courage to open myself to you all.
Years ago, I lived with a very oppressive family. I was actually suicidal back then and my family was 100% responsible for that. Nothing I write can come close to how I felt. I was emotionally neglected from the start. My mother was normally nice, until things went some way she didn't like. I was lazy and didn't like to obey, which caused me to get hit a lot by them. I barely remember this stage, so it may be exaggeration, and my parents deny this it was this extreme, but most of my childhood memories near her were getting hit, crying or wishing their death. This isn't too important and I still think I would be fine if it ended there.
Teen years is when things got shitty. I wasn't good at all making friends and I felt very alone. I was nowhere near as strong as now and back then it actually affected me. I had no bullying, but I felt very empty, I don't remember how it felt back then, but I'm sure many of you understand. My mother was very controlling and liked to spy me on the school's playground. She would note how I did, which wasn't too good, and she would call me names and punish me if I didn't do well. She liked to watch all my conversations as well and got extremely manipulative about other's attitude when talking. Because her upbringing, conversations had to be totally formal with others. You couldn't joke or do anything funny because it was "unsavory". They used to try getting everyone against me, make me think the other kids hated me and make me feel I only had them. I couldn't have a good time talking, do fun things with others when I could, or anything like that. Nothing.
I eventually realized, my mother was trying to isolate me from the rest of the world. They didn't allow me to go outside either. You can't have a teen secluded, in home all day, doing nothing (and I mean truly nothing) the whole day. The only thing I did was to do assignments, because I couldn't get out or have any hobby. If I had any game, book, or anything "not productive enough", there was punishment for it. I could rarely hang out or do anything. All I did was staring at a wall all the time, because after the fifth or so hour, I couldn't focus anymore studying. This years are key to your development. You can't be holed in your room all the fucking day with little contact to anyone. But to my mother, every minute I wasn't studying was lost forever. I didn't even have learning disabilities or anything, I was doing decently back then.
All this doesn't matter, though. This wasn't important on itself. The true problem comes now. I want to apologize before hand how angry I get, there is a lot of swearing and I understand not everyone may want to read this things.
I thought it was normal because dumb teen. I had no problem with their methods because I wasn't who ruled. Years later, I started feeling suicidal because I literally couldn't cope. I mean what do you really expect? There was no coping mechanism because I was secluded in my little cave and I couldn't even entertain myself. I had no close people and felt super bad overall. So I told my mother. Horrible mistake!!! I don't know what crossed her head, but her reaction was to yell once again!!! What kind of mother are you? Your fucking kid is going through a bad moment and if I was you, I would give them all my support, specially if it was my fucking fault!!! Apparently, feeling bad is a symptom or being ungrateful. Mother, it doesn't matter what your cultist concept of the world is, suicidality is always a sign something is not right. If I feel like this, something serious is going on. The fact you were allowed to have children puts the whole system to shame. Instead, it was my fault, I couldn't see how good mother she was and all the did for me??? What the hell??? You still are the most harmful person in my life to this day and it's been ten years!!! You are a horrible mother and person overall!!! My father always agreed with her, BTW. He was just more absent, but not better.
Having both parents failed me, I decided to disclose my suicidal thoughts to somewhat close people. I mean, I had no real friends, but I liked to vent and be open to other people. Horrible mistake again!!! And I can't remark enough how much I regret doing this every time I tried. How fucking naive to expect support from close people in hard times. Nah. All I got was the same. I was told to "grow up", because when I would grow I'll have no one and people would separate from each other. That things only get worse. That everything in adulthood would be ten times harder. That if I wanted to kms, I'd already done it. Some fucking idiot threatened me and said, if I ever attempted it, they would beat me up. I don't have to explain anything about this one. They deserve to have a fucking sepsis as much at it looks!!!
Every time I tried to get better I was attacked for it. My parents would pay all their frustrations with me. Every time someone wasn't "nice enough" with them, I paid it. Every time I wasn't the son they wanted, they insulted me. Multiple times I tried to talk them about what happened, and it always got blame-shifted for not being enough. They had zero expectations of me and my only role in the house was to be a physical and emotional scapegoat. They would try to make it look like none of this ever happened and I was literally crazy every fucking time.
When I joined, I told mods I just believed in the right to die and got accepted, but I've been thinking there could be a deeper reason, and I think the real reason I joined this forum in particular is, I never could talk about this with anyone. Despite not being suicidal anymore, I feel very safe. People think similar to me and I have a level of understanding I never felt in my whole life. I developed an stupid fear of parents, not in the "I hate breeders" sense many people shares here, I mean feeling very scared when I see someone with kids near me. I still have it to this day lol. I have frequent nightmares with them every week. I also extremely defensive when talking about them and, frankly, I still don't think I'm ready, even a decade later. I can't have a conversation about them without great stress or verbally attacking someone. I got a panic disorder that caused me to fucking faint of stress frequently and be paralyzed of the external world, but I overcome it and no longer affects me. My therapist also suspects of anti-social disorder because how conflictive and sadistic I've become (and I wasn't even minimally any of those before).
I need help. I have a therapist who actually helps, but there too many things cover on them all, so progress is slow. I've been thinking for a long time I'll just be this crazy forever lol. I had no suicidal thoughts in years and I still aren't, but many things are still there.
God, I wasn't sure I could do it but I DID IT!!! Fuck you mother, you can't control me ever again!!! You have no idea of raising a kid and now I can say without the shadow of a doubt I was right all the time and literally everyone else was a complete moron with no understanding of psychology. Fuck you and your whole bloodline. I've become extremely strong because of you, and that will be your downfall. One day, you will be incapable of taking care of yourself, and you won't be able to do shit. I am worse than the fucking Salamancas. I have the thickest skin of this place and probably the whole planet, and I'm not afraid of stepping whoever skull I have to. I'm not afraid of being judged or coerced anymore!!! I was so scared of what could others think but I don't give a shit anymore, I'm free and I know I am right!!!!!!!!!!
I want to thank the only user who I've been talking with, they know who they are. Sadly, they aren't feeling well and we kinda stopped, I hope they feel better soon. You were super important to me, even if our time was so brief, and I hope we can talk again. Getting this out is sooo liberating, baby.
Finally, after almost a month, I gathered courage to open myself to you all.
Years ago, I lived with a very oppressive family. I was actually suicidal back then and my family was 100% responsible for that. Nothing I write can come close to how I felt. I was emotionally neglected from the start. My mother was normally nice, until things went some way she didn't like. I was lazy and didn't like to obey, which caused me to get hit a lot by them. I barely remember this stage, so it may be exaggeration, and my parents deny this it was this extreme, but most of my childhood memories near her were getting hit, crying or wishing their death. This isn't too important and I still think I would be fine if it ended there.
Teen years is when things got shitty. I wasn't good at all making friends and I felt very alone. I was nowhere near as strong as now and back then it actually affected me. I had no bullying, but I felt very empty, I don't remember how it felt back then, but I'm sure many of you understand. My mother was very controlling and liked to spy me on the school's playground. She would note how I did, which wasn't too good, and she would call me names and punish me if I didn't do well. She liked to watch all my conversations as well and got extremely manipulative about other's attitude when talking. Because her upbringing, conversations had to be totally formal with others. You couldn't joke or do anything funny because it was "unsavory". They used to try getting everyone against me, make me think the other kids hated me and make me feel I only had them. I couldn't have a good time talking, do fun things with others when I could, or anything like that. Nothing.
I eventually realized, my mother was trying to isolate me from the rest of the world. They didn't allow me to go outside either. You can't have a teen secluded, in home all day, doing nothing (and I mean truly nothing) the whole day. The only thing I did was to do assignments, because I couldn't get out or have any hobby. If I had any game, book, or anything "not productive enough", there was punishment for it. I could rarely hang out or do anything. All I did was staring at a wall all the time, because after the fifth or so hour, I couldn't focus anymore studying. This years are key to your development. You can't be holed in your room all the fucking day with little contact to anyone. But to my mother, every minute I wasn't studying was lost forever. I didn't even have learning disabilities or anything, I was doing decently back then.
All this doesn't matter, though. This wasn't important on itself. The true problem comes now. I want to apologize before hand how angry I get, there is a lot of swearing and I understand not everyone may want to read this things.
I thought it was normal because dumb teen. I had no problem with their methods because I wasn't who ruled. Years later, I started feeling suicidal because I literally couldn't cope. I mean what do you really expect? There was no coping mechanism because I was secluded in my little cave and I couldn't even entertain myself. I had no close people and felt super bad overall. So I told my mother. Horrible mistake!!! I don't know what crossed her head, but her reaction was to yell once again!!! What kind of mother are you? Your fucking kid is going through a bad moment and if I was you, I would give them all my support, specially if it was my fucking fault!!! Apparently, feeling bad is a symptom or being ungrateful. Mother, it doesn't matter what your cultist concept of the world is, suicidality is always a sign something is not right. If I feel like this, something serious is going on. The fact you were allowed to have children puts the whole system to shame. Instead, it was my fault, I couldn't see how good mother she was and all the did for me??? What the hell??? You still are the most harmful person in my life to this day and it's been ten years!!! You are a horrible mother and person overall!!! My father always agreed with her, BTW. He was just more absent, but not better.
Having both parents failed me, I decided to disclose my suicidal thoughts to somewhat close people. I mean, I had no real friends, but I liked to vent and be open to other people. Horrible mistake again!!! And I can't remark enough how much I regret doing this every time I tried. How fucking naive to expect support from close people in hard times. Nah. All I got was the same. I was told to "grow up", because when I would grow I'll have no one and people would separate from each other. That things only get worse. That everything in adulthood would be ten times harder. That if I wanted to kms, I'd already done it. Some fucking idiot threatened me and said, if I ever attempted it, they would beat me up. I don't have to explain anything about this one. They deserve to have a fucking sepsis as much at it looks!!!
Every time I tried to get better I was attacked for it. My parents would pay all their frustrations with me. Every time someone wasn't "nice enough" with them, I paid it. Every time I wasn't the son they wanted, they insulted me. Multiple times I tried to talk them about what happened, and it always got blame-shifted for not being enough. They had zero expectations of me and my only role in the house was to be a physical and emotional scapegoat. They would try to make it look like none of this ever happened and I was literally crazy every fucking time.
When I joined, I told mods I just believed in the right to die and got accepted, but I've been thinking there could be a deeper reason, and I think the real reason I joined this forum in particular is, I never could talk about this with anyone. Despite not being suicidal anymore, I feel very safe. People think similar to me and I have a level of understanding I never felt in my whole life. I developed an stupid fear of parents, not in the "I hate breeders" sense many people shares here, I mean feeling very scared when I see someone with kids near me. I still have it to this day lol. I have frequent nightmares with them every week. I also extremely defensive when talking about them and, frankly, I still don't think I'm ready, even a decade later. I can't have a conversation about them without great stress or verbally attacking someone. I got a panic disorder that caused me to fucking faint of stress frequently and be paralyzed of the external world, but I overcome it and no longer affects me. My therapist also suspects of anti-social disorder because how conflictive and sadistic I've become (and I wasn't even minimally any of those before).
I need help. I have a therapist who actually helps, but there too many things cover on them all, so progress is slow. I've been thinking for a long time I'll just be this crazy forever lol. I had no suicidal thoughts in years and I still aren't, but many things are still there.
God, I wasn't sure I could do it but I DID IT!!! Fuck you mother, you can't control me ever again!!! You have no idea of raising a kid and now I can say without the shadow of a doubt I was right all the time and literally everyone else was a complete moron with no understanding of psychology. Fuck you and your whole bloodline. I've become extremely strong because of you, and that will be your downfall. One day, you will be incapable of taking care of yourself, and you won't be able to do shit. I am worse than the fucking Salamancas. I have the thickest skin of this place and probably the whole planet, and I'm not afraid of stepping whoever skull I have to. I'm not afraid of being judged or coerced anymore!!! I was so scared of what could others think but I don't give a shit anymore, I'm free and I know I am right!!!!!!!!!!
I want to thank the only user who I've been talking with, they know who they are. Sadly, they aren't feeling well and we kinda stopped, I hope they feel better soon. You were super important to me, even if our time was so brief, and I hope we can talk again. Getting this out is sooo liberating, baby.
best wishes
