Story Why why why why why

[HopingOnaMiracle]

(small vent) I might try to stay in the recovery section of this site. In the suicide section there are people more desperate than me. People that actually ctb. I don't want to ctb, i just desperately want to recover.

I have a phone conversation for half an hour with a new therapist I found. Maybe she can help me. i feel like my last psychologist wasn't able to help me even after 10 months I still feel like this. Before that I was in a burnout for 2 fucking years. That time was peanuts compared to the major depression i have right now.

Also still getting rTMS treatment. I have like 10% confidence in that it will work. Based on all the things I tried that didn't help.

When this all started I felt bad in the morning and around dinner time. Most days i felt better in the afternoon. But that changed. Now I feel bad all day and it is a little better after dinner (around 7). The Anxiety lies down a bit. Maybe in total this depression had been going on for over a year...

WHY????? Nothing particularly shocking happened that wouldve triggered it. just started to feel this way. Maybe the burnout triggered this. That's just cruel.

I dont want to ctb. I just desperately want this to END, goddamnit Its so unfair. Why do we get sick like this like its a punishment. Feels like a prison sentence without a crime.

Every morning is like this. My mom visits every morning to go cycling and talk. But that barely makes me feel any better. The only other thing that works is weed (no solution) and lorazepam (which I am forced to quit since im probably addicted.

 

[Rockman]

Why not? Smoke weed everyday.

 

[Zanmato]

I dont want to ctb. I just desperately want this to END, goddamnit Its so unfair. Why do we get sick like this like its a punishment. Feels like a prison sentence without a crime.

I wish you the best, I hope you can recover, feel way better soon and leave all of this behind!

 

[hot]

I wish you the best, I hope you can recover, feel way better soon and leave all of this behind!

Same, i hope things will get better for you. @arnxxx

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

Why not? Smoke weed everyday.

Weed doesn't solve the problem. It only numbs me down for a small time. I only do it in weekends. I know lots of people that got addicted and they isolate themselves. Im not going that road

I wish you the best, I hope you can recover, feel way better soon and leave all of this behind!

Thanks. I would love to never go back here but as of now I feel understood in this forum. Other people struggling makes me feel less isolated with my own feelings.

Same, i hope things will get better for you. @arnxxx

Thanks, I will keep trying my best

 

[i dont feel real.]

(small vent) I might try to stay in the recovery section of this site. In the suicide section there are people more desperate than me. People that actually ctb. I don't want to ctb, i just desperately want to recover.

I have a phone conversation for half an hour with a new therapist I found. Maybe she can help me. i feel like my last psychologist wasn't able to help me even after 10 months I still feel like this. Before that I was in a burnout for 2 fucking years. That time was peanuts compared to the major depression i have right now.

Also still getting rTMS treatment. I have like 10% confidence in that it will work. Based on all the things I tried that didn't help.

When this all started I felt bad in the morning and around dinner time. Most days i felt better in the afternoon. But that changed. Now I feel bad all day and it is a little better after dinner (around 7). The Anxiety lies down a bit. Maybe in total this depression had been going on for over a year...

WHY????? Nothing particularly shocking happened that wouldve triggered it. just started to feel this way. Maybe the burnout triggered this. That's just cruel.

I dont want to ctb. I just desperately want this to END, goddamnit Its so unfair. Why do we get sick like this like its a punishment. Feels like a prison sentence without a crime.

Every morning is like this. My mom visits every morning to go cycling and talk. But that barely makes me feel any better. The only other thing that works is weed (no solution) and lorazepam (which I am forced to quit since im probably addicted.

Damn, I feel that. There are moments in one's life that you just feel bad. No reason for it, you just feel like shit, all the time. Maybe you could search a reason for it, give a solution and damn, it stills there. You take the pills. Nothing changes. You have a "good time" in family, everything stills the same usual thing you hate. That's probably, like you said, the burnout, you feel unmotivated to do anything. Take a week or even more if you need at everything and try to do something that you used to like. Don't put responsibilities, damn, stop the therapy for sometime if you need, relax. That is what I would do. Remember, here is a forum of people that hopes for you the best. You don't want to CTB, that's a huge step, great for you. I really hope that you get better.

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

Damn, I feel that. There are moments in one's life that you just feel bad. No reason for it, you just feel like shit, all the time. Maybe you could search a reason for it, give a solution and damn, it stills there. You take the pills. Nothing changes. You have a "good time" in family, everything stills the same usual thing you hate. That's probably, like you said, the burnout, you feel unmotivated to do anything. Take a week or even more if you need at everything and try to do something that you used to like. Don't put responsibilities, damn, stop the therapy for sometime if you need, relax. That is what I would do. Remember, here is a forum of people that hopes for you the best. You don't want to CTB, that's a huge step, great for you. I really hope that you get better.

My burnout is gone, i think. Im not that physically tired anymore. I do more work than I used to do.

Like you say I feel like shit, all day, no reason. My body keeps itself in a fight or flight anxiety situation.
I just had a phone call from my psychologist. They still think it will be good for me if I stay with him. But after 10+ months I don't feel like I learned much. I actually feel worse.

I have already contacted another psychologist and scheduled a phone call conversation 30 minutes. Maybe she can help me out better.