Venting i feel like im too privileged feel like this

[thefrenchmonkey]

Lately I've been feeling pretty depressed, with occasional suicidal thoughts and random thoughts of cutting myself, but I haven't rlly acted on any of them. It's really up and down, one moment the day feels really pleasant, and then I just randomly hit a depressive phase and everything just goes to shit for a long while.
Like I just feel like my head is spinning at times. like im fortunate enough to have people in my life that genuinely care abt me, which almost rules out suicide as an option for me bc i feel like it would be too selfish, but i just keep having these thoughts.

however, as the title says, the main problem for me is that i feel like i just dont deserve to feel like this. i come from a relatively rich family and i got a pretty good high school education at a private school, and im about to go to a college which is one of the best colleges in the country for the major im applying for. people expect the summer before college to be a "happy" time for most, especially because its one of the only times we have no academic responsibilities, yet somehow it turned out to be one of my biggest lows and i just dont fucking know why. For one of the first times in my life i have very little to worry about, and i know im extremely fortunate to be in this position. which is why i jus feel like im having first world problems and idk why i feel so fucking sad all the time, and its just been getting worse and worse over the months.

 

[Canto XIII]

Lately I've been feeling pretty depressed, with occasional suicidal thoughts and random thoughts of cutting myself, but I haven't rlly acted on any of them. It's really up and down, one moment the day feels really pleasant, and then I just randomly hit a depressive phase and everything just goes to shit for a long while.
Like I just feel like my head is spinning at times. like im fortunate enough to have people in my life that genuinely care abt me, which almost rules out suicide as an option for me bc i feel like it would be too selfish, but i just keep having these thoughts.

however, as the title says, the main problem for me is that i feel like i just dont deserve to feel like this. i come from a relatively rich family and i got a pretty good high school education at a private school, and im about to go to a college which is one of the best colleges in the country for the major im applying for. people expect the summer before college to be a "happy" time for most, especially because its one of the only times we have no academic responsibilities, yet somehow it turned out to be one of my biggest lows and i just dont fucking know why. For one of the first times in my life i have very little to worry about, and i know im extremely fortunate to be in this position. which is why i jus feel like im having first world problems and idk why i feel so fucking sad all the time, and its just been getting worse and worse over the months.

We're all privileged if compared to someone else who is more unfortunate than us. Also, money is not the only form of privilege existing in life or society. Suffering is neither deserved nor undeserved, it just happens.

Have you taken in consideration to talk to a psychiatrist?

 

[thefrenchmonkey]

We're all privileged if compared to someone else who is more unfortunate than us. Also, money is not the only form of privilege existing in life or society. Suffering is neither deserved nor undeserved, it just happens.

Have you taken in consideration to talk to a psychiatrist?

I've thought about it and it's something I think I'd wanna explore once I move out and start college in a month, just so that I can have more control over it. I also have rlly bad social anxiety and am kinda scared to make myself vulnerable to a random stranger so I'm still kinda hesitant.

 

[Canto XIII]

I also have rlly bad social anxiety and am kinda scared to make myself vulnerable to a random stranger so I'm still kinda hesitant.

That's common. You have to image they're not a random stranger but a professional. You wouldn't talk about an erectile disfunction to a random stranger but you would talk about it to an urologist, right? But I get it's difficult, it was difficult for me as well once. (Of course there are also bad professionals, but that's another story.) Good for you if you try it.

 

[x9x99988]

I used to feel privileged too. But just because someone has it worse doesn't mean my problems and MH doesn't matter

 

[MAKE IT STOP!]

I feel the same way. I have a family who loves me, a high school diploma, and friends who love me, and a job (it's a shitty dead-end job but still) and yet I still feel this way. Then again, I've gone through shit that made me feel like this, such as sexual abuse, verbal abuse from my ex, etc.

 

[Kirkinator]

No one deserves feeling this way no matter their life circumstances. I hope you eventually feel good enough to fully enjoy these blessings in your life.

 

[dragonofenvy]

It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor. If you're suffering you're suffering. I'd definitely seek out a professional about it. Something is going on in your life to make you feel this way. You've got a lot of potential and it'd be a shame to let it go to waste.

While I'm not well-off I still feel guilty at times for feeling the way I do knowing that I come from the US when I could've been born in Eritrea or North Korea. Mental health doesn't discriminate.

 

[deadanddecomposing]

I think when you have less tangible problems, it makes managing depression feel less actionable. I'm not sure if I'm phrasing it right, but when you feel like shit and have a problem, the solution most brains go to is solving the problem. When you just feel like shit, no problem in sight, you're left with nothing to do other than stew in it. Genuinely, I think the periods of my life where I've had the least going on were the ones where my mental healthy plummeted. I know for me the summer before college was awful, so know you aren't alone with that.

 

[timf]

What might be a problem is that even though the trajectory you are on could be called "privileged" it may not be one that you have selected or control. The ideation of cutting may be a symptom of desiring to have some control over your own life. You might want to experiment with a small portion of your life with some activity or hobby that is just yours and that you control. This might allow you to push back against feelings of anxiety caused by things you do not control.

 

[thefrenchmonkey]

I think when you have less tangible problems, it makes managing depression feel less actionable. I'm not sure if I'm phrasing it right, but when you feel like shit and have a problem, the solution most brains go to is solving the problem. When you just feel like shit, no problem in sight, you're left with nothing to do other than stew in it. Genuinely, I think the periods of my life where I've had the least going on were the ones where my mental healthy plummeted. I know for me the summer before college was awful, so know you aren't alone with that.

Yeah I completely understand what you're saying. I feel like for the past year theres always been some problems in my life, related to college apps or school or extracurricular activities or whatever. Although the problems weren't super huge, I always blamed it on them whenever I felt like shit, and I expected that at a time like this when those problems are virtually gone, I'd be at one of my biggest highs, but it's actually quite the opposite.

What might be a problem is that even though the trajectory you are on could be called "privileged" it may not be one that you have selected or control. The ideation of cutting may be a symptom of desiring to have some control over your own life. You might want to experiment with a small portion of your life with some activity or hobby that is just yours and that you control. This might allow you to push back against feelings of anxiety caused by things you do not control.

That's something I've been trying to do with going to the gym, and i can say that its been helping, but that's basically it right now. hopefully once i move out ill get into more activities, thanks for the suggestion!

 

[death_by_life]

So, I'm homeless and applying for disability right now. I'm not making enough money to live on, even without paying rent. However, I have a place to stay, and a car.

Several days a week, I see a guy with a homeless sign at a highway off ramp. I got to talk to him for a few seconds, and asked him what he needed. Food, and basically a battery powered fan because it's excessively hot right now.

I have food, and the room I'm staying in has air conditioning. I'm going to bet, statistically speaking, that we have the same level of mental health issues. I have a better chance because I have more privilege. It's all relative at every level.

What you're feeling is real, *and* you have a better chance. But that doesn't mean the emotions are any easier, because there are so many other things that could work against you, like genetics and relationships and even neurotype. I don't know enough to know what they are, but I'm sure they're there.

I don't know if you're looking for advice, so you can disregard this if not. I think trying therapy might help, and if you have decent insurance you can meet virtually (I do). I've had to do it in the basement or in my car for privacy, though, but it could be doable. I would also suggest starting now, so that by the time you hit school you and they are somewhat familiar with each other. It might make the transition easier.

You don't have to respond to this either, but I wonder if you might be gifted? I just learned about "existential depression" which feels like it doesn't have a specific cause, and it's more common in gifted people. I don't know if that applies or not, but it's a possibility.

 

[Mr.Ruben]

Lately I've been feeling pretty depressed, with occasional suicidal thoughts and random thoughts of cutting myself, but I haven't rlly acted on any of them. It's really up and down, one moment the day feels really pleasant, and then I just randomly hit a depressive phase and everything just goes to shit for a long while.
Like I just feel like my head is spinning at times. like im fortunate enough to have people in my life that genuinely care abt me, which almost rules out suicide as an option for me bc i feel like it would be too selfish, but i just keep having these thoughts.

What seems to me is somewhat you're confused why you exist, why must you do all this.
There is not much I can say, I feel everything Is fine and the next day I understand why I hate my current life, but I can't stop thinking "if I die, there is this wonderful movie I'll miss." I've also tried to talk to a psychiatrist but each time the option gets in front of me I can't talk to him, my throat starts burning. So the most important thing I would say it, try to experience stories, either if you have to read them, play them, hear them, and continue forward, maybe with the same mind, maybe with a new idea.