My whole life I've felt like a mistake. I'm biracial in a white town and I always felt like the outcast. I started really feeling depressed and thinking about suicide around 10 or 11. Everyone who was my friend would make the occasional racist joke. In highschool and middle school all of the other girls were dating but none of the boys were interested in me beyond sex because nobody wanted to date the black girl. Nobody understood the way I felt. My mom was white and my dad had support in his black friends and family in a different state whom he was in frequent contact with and would see often. He went to school in that other state around a lot of other black people and didn't understand what school was like being one of 5 black kids out of 100s of white kids. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. I would get made fun of for my hair by the white kids and made fun of about how white I sounded or acted whenever i was around other black people, but i still wanted to be accepted by somebody and after the constant rejection and hatred i had faced from the white kids in my school I decided to go try to find my place with the black kids. Around 16 when I started driving I ended up going to a town about 30 minutes away from me that had a black population. I started hanging out with other black people and finally getting attention from guys. I had sex with almost all of them. I just think finally getting that and being attractive to someone I didn't know how to act. All I really wanted though was someone to be with. I was only 16 but I wanted to feel like I could be loved. My whole life I felt unlovable. I was used by a lot of people. Used for sex or my car or money. Everytime I thought I found a real connection I ended up being disappointed and used or turned on. A lot of the boys and men I let use my body had records and pasts and agendas. I thought it was what I wanted but soon came to realize I was just trying to fill the void of connection that I had longed for my whole life. During all this I started buying, selling, and using drugs, mainly ectasy, and partying as many days as i could get out of my house. At 17 a few months from 18, I met a man 10 years my senior. I knew quickly there was something different about him. We went out. He made me feel seen. He made me feel heard. He made me want to get my life together. He understood me in a way nobody ever did. He made me feel like I meant something which is something I never felt. He made me feel like my life was meaningful and I could be loved by someone that wasn't required to love me like my family. He made me feel like I could have a future. He was everything I searched for for so long. I loved him and I still love him. But I lost him. When we met he told me he had a record, but that he was turning his life around and putting it past him. He ended up getting arrested on a DUI warrant he didn't tell me about and going to jail for a year and a half. I forgave him for not telling me. He told me he was getting his life together and he hadn't done anything wrong since the DUI and he just ran because he didn't want to go back to jail. We stayed in touch and together during his sentence. He had trust issues from the start of our relationship but they turned a head when he went to jail. I dealt with them though it was hard going to college and constantly being accused. I tried to understand where he was coming from since he had been cheated on in all of his previous relationships and during the last sentence he had in jail. We talked every day and I missed him so much. Eventually he got out and it was like a fairytale. We went out for nice dinners nice dates after a whole year and a half of being apart. He still has his trust issues but they were better once he was back home. Everything was great for years. And all of a sudden we started fighting all the time. I don't know why. We fought over everything he was so mad all the time. And I was easily irritated too. We fought and made up almost every night. One day we got into the worst fight. He saw my gay college classmates name in my phone and thought I was cheating. He hit me. He screamed at me and was mad like I never saw before. He threatened me. I was scared so I ran away. Every day I wish I didn't. That made him so mad. He thought it meant I was guilty of cheating anf it only got worse from there. He threatened my family. I reported him to the police because I was scared for my family. He didn't mean any of it. He was just mad. He was scared and hurt because he thought I cheated on him. I wish I didn't report him. He's in jail now. And without him I feel lost. I feel hopeless and empty. Nobody understands how I'm feeling because my family just think he's this terrible person and that's not true. We were together for years and he had never acted like this. He loved me so well. Now I feel split in the middle. I feel like I'm betraying my family for not wanting him in jail and like I betrayed him for calling the police. I thought about recanting but I'm afraid I'll be charged. I'm thinking my next step will be to hire a lawyer, but I will likely be disowned by my family. Wouldn't you hate your kid and sister for helping get the guy who threatened you out of jail? Whatever I do feels like it'll cost me something. And that's why at this point more than I ever have in all my life I want to just ctb and escape all of it. My boyfriend and I were planning a future, trying to get pregnant, and all this out of the blue. I don't want a future without him and maybe that sounds melodramatic but like I said he is the only person besides my family who has ever loved me. Who has ever got me. Who has ever truly cared about me. What he said and did wasn't him. He has mental issues. Me and his mom have been trying to get him help. It's not like he's been hurting me the whole relationship. Almost all of it was amazing. Now I lost him and I feel lost and empty. I feel like I can't breathe. I can barely get out of bed. That's how I was before I met him. The only things that got me up were partying and drugs. Now really nothing does. I can't get myself to do anything. I can't feel anything but self hatred and hurt. He was one of the only things holding me together. Don't get me wrong. When I was with him I still sometimes had months where I was depressed and days where I had suicidal thoughts, but I haven't been where I am now, at the point where all day long it's suicidal ideation, since I was in highschool. I haven't felt this hopeless since before we met. I don't know where to go from here. The only option to finally be free of all the pain inside me feels like ctb, but I probably will never be able to really work up the courage. I sit and imagine dying all day. I wish I could do more than just imagine.
hug
Member
- Apr 12, 2024
- 34
I really find it very difficult when the only person who understands you is seen as an aggressor, and you are the only one trying to save him. I only have one person in this world who understands me, my brother, I always fake reactions to make people happy without them realizing how much of a failure I am. I hope you can get him out of there, regardless of what your family says or thinks, look, I would do anything, Absolutely EVERYTHING for my brother, if you are too and just like me, then don't hesitate to try to find someone who really cares for you. see in this destroyed world. I truly believe in soulmates and you found yours.
We have both done things. He has issues and so do I. I've hit him. He didn't mean it. I keep trying to explain It's not like he beats me every night. In all the years we were together, He hit me three times. Once we were fighting and I jerked the car and he thought I was trying to crash it and kill us. He immediately apologized when he figured out I was trying to pull over and then realized I didn't have enough time with the truck being us. The second time on accident with a can he threw (which I have almost done to him before as well I actually had just thrown the keys in that same fight and almost hit him) and the last time when he was so emotional and hurt and suicidal himself because he thought I betrayed him like everybody else in his life. And I messed up. I did actually betray him after that by calling the police. And he'll never forgive me. I called a lawyer today I can't even afford them. I lost the most important person in my life and the only person who understood me and who I could be myself with and now what does any of it matter. I'm alone. I ruined it like I ruined everything.
And you're right he was my soulmate. And i ruined that. I'm the problem and I always have been. From when I was born. I was a mistake. My mom had to settle because of me. All I do is screw up. And now because of that I lost the only person who got me who I could be 100% me with. Now I have nobody. I'm such a screw up.
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hug
Member
- Apr 12, 2024
- 34
and really, I know how you feel more or less, because I left my home in the middle of 2020, and now I haven't seen my brother for a long time, I haven't seen him until today and I don't even have contact, because he simply doesn't have networks social. It's really sad, this feeling, of emptiness, that you don't want to get out of bed... even so, I wish peace for you and for us, because we need it...
Yes. It's so hard for me to get out of bed. If I wasn't trying to get him a lawyer I would've just quit my job and said to hell with all my bills. Even if I do get him a lawyer though I know I still lost him. I know how he feels about jail from the time he's spent there from his DUI and a crime he committed as a kid in a bad area. He wanted to die before going back. He said he'd try to kill himself before he did. And Im the reason he went back. He hates me now I know he does. I sent him to his own personal hell after he already suffered so many years. He was getting his life together and because I didn't trust him I ruined everything. I hate myself. This is always what happens to me. He was the only boyfriend I ever had. Before that everyone I was with just used me for sex. I told him abour it and he didn't judge me. He loved me despite all of it. And I stabbed him in the back. And now I lost him and I feel like I can't breathe. It makes me sick. I'm at the point I was in highschool where it makes me cry to even look in the mirror. I'm the problem I ruin everything. I ruined my family's lives and the love of my life's. I ruin all my friendships. Now I'm alone. And what's the point?
lovedread
hell is other people
- Jan 2, 2020
- 213
You haven't betrayed anyone. At all. You are simply trying cope and process the trauma you've been through, you have neither an allegiance to him nor your family. You have an allegiance to yourself and your health. I can understand why you don't hate him, sometimes when we are victimized by a person, we feel like we have to defend their every action, and like people who are critical of them aren't being fair. Or are against us. Or just don't get them the way we do. I think we feel this way because at that point, maybe we see the person whose behavior is, at the very least, questionable as an extension of ourselves. If the one person who loves us is this horrible person, then does that make the love not real, or superficial? Does that then feed into the insecurity of being unlovable? Anyway, sorry the slight tangent...
I think you need to have more empathy with yourself. You called the police because you were scared. You felt unsafe. You were afraid. Not to harm them. You trying to protect yourself isn't harm. And just because you hit them in the past, doesn't take away from the pain and terror you felt in that moment from them. And if the other party truly loved you, they would understand that and take accountability for that. Ask yourself, if you hit your partner, and they called the cops, would you be angry at them for putting themselves first and asking for help? Or would you feel guilt for hurting them? I think you'd feel guilt, because your care is genuine.
Also I think there might be a power imbalance here with them meeting you as a confused insecure teen while they were a full-fledged adult. From an outside perspective it sounds like he preyed on you. It's okay if you don't agree or see that right now. It just means you're maybe not ready to process that, or maybe I don't understand certain nuances of your relationship. It's OK that you still love him. He very well could be suicidal, depressed, etc, but just remember those are his emotions regardless of you doing xyz or xyz. You can't take blame for everything. You're just one person. You had no other option than to lean on the carceral system in that instance because you felt scared. You aren't the reason why jails make their inmates feel suicidal/hopeless...institutions do that. Systems do that. Judges, prison guards, the corporations that slave inmates out, they do that. That feeling of dependency, of thinking "no one else will ever love me this way" also is how depression and other mental issues we have can sometimes warp our perceptions. Yes you've gone through a lot and probably feel tons of shame for your mistakes but everyone does. And one day you could find someone else who loves you that way, even if that doesn't feel real right now. Pls just be kinder to yourself you're dealing with so much that looks so overwhelming, you'll burnout/crash out if you dont offer yourself any kindness
I think you need to have more empathy with yourself. You called the police because you were scared. You felt unsafe. You were afraid. Not to harm them. You trying to protect yourself isn't harm. And just because you hit them in the past, doesn't take away from the pain and terror you felt in that moment from them. And if the other party truly loved you, they would understand that and take accountability for that. Ask yourself, if you hit your partner, and they called the cops, would you be angry at them for putting themselves first and asking for help? Or would you feel guilt for hurting them? I think you'd feel guilt, because your care is genuine.
Also I think there might be a power imbalance here with them meeting you as a confused insecure teen while they were a full-fledged adult. From an outside perspective it sounds like he preyed on you. It's okay if you don't agree or see that right now. It just means you're maybe not ready to process that, or maybe I don't understand certain nuances of your relationship. It's OK that you still love him. He very well could be suicidal, depressed, etc, but just remember those are his emotions regardless of you doing xyz or xyz. You can't take blame for everything. You're just one person. You had no other option than to lean on the carceral system in that instance because you felt scared. You aren't the reason why jails make their inmates feel suicidal/hopeless...institutions do that. Systems do that. Judges, prison guards, the corporations that slave inmates out, they do that. That feeling of dependency, of thinking "no one else will ever love me this way" also is how depression and other mental issues we have can sometimes warp our perceptions. Yes you've gone through a lot and probably feel tons of shame for your mistakes but everyone does. And one day you could find someone else who loves you that way, even if that doesn't feel real right now. Pls just be kinder to yourself you're dealing with so much that looks so overwhelming, you'll burnout/crash out if you dont offer yourself any kindness
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