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SEVEN
- Dec 8, 2023
- 166
okay so… I have no idea how to label myself right now. I went through some very traumatic events during the beginning of 2025 and I know for a fact I have not been able to heal them let alone cry about them. I no longer have the privacy I used to have, so my theory is that my damaged, subconscious mind has made me numb once again to avoid showing negative emotions around people. but i still feel and think extremely strained, concerned, I know i've struggled mentally since my early teens and have been in a deep depression since November 2023. 2025 was sort of like a gap year for me, lots of things went down and I believe i'm getting a chance at fixing my life up, but my mind has done little to no progress in healing, so while I may not be as physically limited as i was for these years I'm more of like in a battle with my own mind and emotions right now… I tried different methods for coping, I started drinking alcohol when stressed, but never went as far as to get drunk such as again, I have no privacy, plus, I'm more scared of substances becoming addictive due to my likely depressed brain. I tried nicotine too but it gave me a very bad panic attack, so that's a no for me.
still, I wanted to see if i could force myself to cry instead. I cut my arm with an eyebrow razor just a couple of days ago, it was scary at first, but i feel like something changed in my mind chemistry now that i was actually willing and actioning upon harming myself. it feels like i've beat my instincts. I know this is no good, but I have to admit the control i felt was gratifying, so i did it again. I still don't know how to feel about this. I didn't cry, unfortunately, I just panicked a little and was amazed and laughed at the irony of my lack of reaction in terms of pain, i know this sounds super edgy, but it's just what happened. I'm just a little scared of family or friends seeing them and trying to stop me because I want to keep doing it, as much as i don't know where this is going.
still, I wanted to see if i could force myself to cry instead. I cut my arm with an eyebrow razor just a couple of days ago, it was scary at first, but i feel like something changed in my mind chemistry now that i was actually willing and actioning upon harming myself. it feels like i've beat my instincts. I know this is no good, but I have to admit the control i felt was gratifying, so i did it again. I still don't know how to feel about this. I didn't cry, unfortunately, I just panicked a little and was amazed and laughed at the irony of my lack of reaction in terms of pain, i know this sounds super edgy, but it's just what happened. I'm just a little scared of family or friends seeing them and trying to stop me because I want to keep doing it, as much as i don't know where this is going.
