Feel ya. Been crying almost every day for more than two years now. Sometimes just a few minutes but sometimes 1-4 hours. Sometimes the emotional pain is so just intense I starting screaming or sobbing loudly, like fighting against existence itself but just unable to escape.
I agree. In the most intense depths it is like crystal clear that is just NEEDS to happen, like it is a necessity there is no other way. It's almost the only thought that can help. And been having chronic pain too, though in the most intense crying it does not register and intense physical sensations are not as emboldening. There's like a sense of sealed fate in the tears. Or, not a sense more like a knowledge.
Strangely there are times where the physical and emotional pain is not particularly the intense thing. This may sound ridiculous but there is not really another way to describe it: it's like my soul hurts. No shit.
However in the depths of the sobbing trying to plan and take action to CTB would require some kind of energy that is totally absent in that state for me at least, even though the will is there. And after an intense cry is not so much relief, but like numbness and pure physical exhaustion.
If you find a way other ways to help with SI let me know. If I could set everything up sober such that it's incredibly easy in these storms of tears the SI is greatly reduced. Problem is the SI and procrastination when not in that state.
Definitely relate about the family too. But, at some point trying to continue living will be so impractical that I would suddenly appear in their life and be a huge burden if I were to try to continue (aside from just being homeless on drugs, which is another realistic option and might help them disregard me enough to let me go easily).
One thing I'm trying to do to help is get all my affairs in order, going to buy something called a pre-need which will pre-pay all my costs for cremation and so on, and have my body just burned and gone with no effort required for them and no funeral etc. That way I'm just sort of gone and there's no stress. Also getting rid of all my stuff and having any money set to just transfer over ASAP.
Wishing you the most peaceful course.
