Help Really wanna do it tonight, I need advice

[lastsunset]

I will keep this short.

I know I seem fairly new on here, but I actually had an account like a year ago. But then decided to delete it because I thought I wanted to give live another chance. Since then things got worse. I am the only one to blame for all of it. I really don't want to be here any longer than today tbh.

Was thinking about partner suicide but reading about people being scammed I'd rather just go alone.

So this is the situation;

I am now at home with my mom, about to eat dinner. After that I want to go to the terrace above my house and hang myself with a rope that hangs there. The rope hangs in a loop with a carabiner on it that I can glide, so not in a knot. I've already tried it yesterday and felt myself starting slip out if conscience very quick. Then SI kicked in and I backed off.

It looks like this;
(I drew it because it's suspicious if I go up there now to take a picture, come back and then after dinner go up again)

I can sit on the side of the green chair and just lean forward with my neck into loop.

I have no idea if it would actually work, but I have a feeling it might. I will be left alone for at least more then 30 minutes to fully die, which I have seen other post suggest.

I know that this is probably not the most ethical method since my mom is going to find me, but I don't have acces to SN or any other complicated methods. I think I can't get myself to jump or throw myself under a train etc, so this seems the most pleasant to me right now.

Is there clear evidence that this will not work? Or is there hope that it will? Maybe this is just stupid to even ask but I thought why not just share it!

All suggestions are welcome, thank you in advance.

If anyone wants to know why, some background or talk to me or whatever you can PM me.

 

[Apathy79]

Does it close behind your head? The way I'm picturing it in my head you'll just slip out?

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

Is this partial hanging or full suspension? I can't tell from the picture but from your description it sounds like, partial?.. partial seems totally ineffective given everything I've ever seen on this board.

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

I've tried partial last saturday. I began to loose unconcious within two seconds, then SI kicked in and I stood up again, but I kept loosing further conciousness, I could barely stand on my legs. After ten seconds or so my head became more clear. I was almost dead. If you place te rope just above the adams apple and then hang and relax you should pass out within seconds and be dead before you know it.

 

[Worndown]

If it will hold your weight and tighten, you are ready to go.
Please make sure nobody is there to save you.
Best wishes!!!

 

[lastsunset]

I'm going to do it right now. Wish you all the best

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

I'm going to do it right now. Wish you all the best

OP?

 

[lastsunset]

I fucking can't anymore. I dozed off for god knows how many seconds and SI kicked in again and I got up. Came back down in my house crying.

My mom came to me acting nice at first and then as usual starting to be cynical and making comments about my lack of hygiene. As if I didn't know yet. She doesn't know what happened.

Why is it so fucking hard to die. This thing we call existence is torture.

It's unbelievably selfish to quilt people in to staying because "People will be hurt if you die". So I'm just supposed to suffer to keep other people happy? Fucking great.

I'm going to try to sleep and will hopefully find another method soon.

Goodnight, thank you for anybody who replied.

 

[iloverachel]

I am so sorry to hear you are suffering so much
Sounds truly awful
I hope you find the peace you deserve

 

[lastsunset]

I think nobody really cares, but I'm going to try again tonight. I am practicing the knot I need to tie. Last time I didn't really tie a knot that would tighten by itself, I made it manually more tight with the carabiner. Because I was afraid.
I'm more determined now. I really hope I got the strength and willpower to pull it off. If it doesn't I will keep trying. I think my plan B is jumping, but I really can't think of a good place in my area.

Wednesday I have an intake for another fucking therapy project, I don't want to start a new thing again. It's not going to work. I don't want it to work. Because I don't want to be "fixed up" so I can just go back to trying to fit into this breathing machine we call a society.

20 years is enough for me. I hope my parents got some fun out of me, watching me grow up. I hope everyone will move on. I'm sure they will.

I will update when I'm actually going to do it.

 

[Sakura.]

I care. How are you, OP?

 

[FuneralCry]

It's truly so horrible and unacceptable how it's so unnecessarily difficult to be free from this torturous existence, I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering.

 

[lastsunset]

I care. How are you, OP?

I'm more relaxed now, kind of nervous but not as emotional as the last few weeks. Thanks for asking.

Wasn't able to do it the last few days. Also realized that I needed to do some more research. I'm going to attempt again tonight.

Two things left that I need/want to do today;
- Learning how to securely tie two ropes together (I'm using two fabric waistbands, because I have no access to a rope. But I tested it and they are strong enough)
- Watching some stuff about what people think happens after death, to calm my nerves a bit.

I have my suicide note ready, I know how to tie a noose knot (and the difference with a slip knot), I'm using the snuggle hitch knot to secure it to the post that's going to hold my weight as shown in the drawing. I think I'm also going to tie my hands behind my back when I do it.

I'm using this guide;
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/best-way-to-succeed-partial-hanging-and-overwin-si.130841/

The only thing I'm a bit worried about is that I have no substances to calm my nerves. But I think I'll be fine because I'll just pass out like before. Wish I had sleeping pills but oh well.

I need to do it today, because tomorrow there's that stupid appointment for that therapy project.

Anyone got some last tips? Things I need to take care of before I die?

Hopefully I will remember to post when I actually do it. But maybe in the heat of the moment I'll forget. If I don't post for at least like 3 days you can assume I'm not here anymore.

 

[Worndown]

Tie your hands is a good idea. That is a great hedge against SI ruining your day.
Post if you can, but focus on you. If the time is right, just do it.
Best wishes on your journey.

 

[lastsunset]

I've got everything ready. Still watching some near death experiences. They all seem to have a positive tone. I'm still nervous. I'm just typing to get the nerves down.

I'm about to eat dinner. Then after I will go upstairs and attempt.

I feel strangely pretty at peace. Will try to check in later.

 

[ironically living]

i tried partial recently, and all i can really say is the hardest part will be fighting SI. if you have not already started (judging by your latest message, you may have), be ready to put your all into trying to fight it again. you know how difficult it can be from previous attempts, so i wish you the best of luck! hope you find the peace you desire.

 

[lastsunset]

i tried partial recently, and all i can really say is the hardest part will be fighting SI. if you have not already started (judging by your latest message, you may have), be ready to put your all into trying to fight it again. you know how difficult it can be from previous attempts, so i wish you the best of luck! hope you find the peace you desire.

Thank you. I'm going to try my best. I'm just hoping that I'll be unconscious for long enough that when I do wake up and SI kicks in, I won't have enough strength in my body to get up. Plus now I'm tying my hands so that will help too.

 

[rozeske]

I wish you good luck. I hope you find the peace you search for

 

[lastsunset]

I'm getting really scared all of the sudden. I haven't gone up to the terrace yet. I don't know what's holding me back.

I have this urge to push it to tomorrow night and just not show up to the appointment. But when I'm scared what happens when they figure I haven't shown up, without telling them and then they'll call my mom or my psychiatrist. And I can't say I forgot it, because I literally got an automatic text to remind me. So I kind of have to do it today. Fuck. Why am I freaking out now, I have been relaxed the whole day and past few days and now all of the sudden I'm not.

Sorry if I'm posting too much but I just need somewhere to share these feelings with.

 

[Sakura.]

Sorry if I'm posting too much but I just need somewhere to share these feelings with.

It's okay.

I hope everything will be fine for you...

 

[EternalShore]

I'm getting really scared all of the sudden. I haven't gone up to the terrace yet. I don't know what's holding me back.

I have this urge to push it to tomorrow night and just not show up to the appointment. But when I'm scared what happens when they figure I haven't shown up, without telling them and then they'll call my mom or my psychiatrist. And I can't say I forgot it, because I literally got an automatic text to remind me. So I kind of have to do it today. Fuck. Why am I freaking out now, I have been relaxed the whole day and past few days and now all of the sudden I'm not.

Sorry if I'm posting too much but I just need somewhere to share these feelings with.

if you really do need an excuse, say your phone's battery died and likewise, go out and kill your phone's battery rn (run battery-heavy stuff on it)~
And don't worry about your posts, this is your place to post all you feel after all~ :)
Regardless, I wish you peace and the best through whatever decision you end up taking~ praying for you~ :)

 

[corazon]

I'm getting really scared all of the sudden. I haven't gone up to the terrace yet. I don't know what's holding me back.

I have this urge to push it to tomorrow night and just not show up to the appointment. But when I'm scared what happens when they figure I haven't shown up, without telling them and then they'll call my mom or my psychiatrist. And I can't say I forgot it, because I literally got an automatic text to remind me. So I kind of have to do it today. Fuck. Why am I freaking out now, I have been relaxed the whole day and past few days and now all of the sudden I'm not.

Sorry if I'm posting too much but I just need somewhere to share these feelings with.

Hey there,
I empathise with your situation here. Almost a year ago I attempted suicide for the first time (partial suspension) and it was the early morning before a forced therapy session. I tried almost feverishly to get it right and kill myself, but ultimately I failed and had no choice but to attend the therapy session. I wasn't researched or practiced enough at my method. I felt cornered and pressured into attempting when I did just to avoid meeting with my therapist at the time (she was a real piece of work), and it only caused me distress.

My point is I urge you not to let anyone or anything dictate something as important as this. I try to remind myself that, at the end of the day, I have the rest of my life to commit suicide and to go when I feel the most ready. I dont know what you can do about avoiding your appointment but do keep us posted as much as you would like to. I'm really sorry you are going through this. Best wishes to you, lastsunset

 

[lastsunset]

Well so I'm still here unfortunately. I have another chance tonight. I promised myself that I'll at least go up there.

Didn't have any drama yet, nobody figured out I missed the appointment yet. They forgot it was today. I only got a voicemail of the people I was supposed to see but I just ignored it.

Hey there,
I empathise with your situation here. Almost a year ago I attempted suicide for the first time (partial suspension) and it was the early morning before a forced therapy session. I tried almost feverishly to get it right and kill myself, but ultimately I failed and had no choice but to attend the therapy session. I wasn't researched or practiced enough at my method. I felt cornered and pressured into attempting when I did just to avoid meeting with my therapist at the time (she was a real piece of work), and it only caused me distress.

My point is I urge you not to let anyone or anything dictate something as important as this. I try to remind myself that, at the end of the day, I have the rest of my life to commit suicide and to go when I feel the most ready. I dont know what you can do about avoiding your appointment but do keep us posted as much as you would like to. I'm really sorry you are going through this. Best wishes to you, lastsunset

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. (All the other replies too). That sounds awful, I'm sorry. For me the therapy session was fortunately not forced. I think I was just using it as a deadline to push myself to do it. Because I really want to be gone, I'm just afraid of the pain that comes with it. It's sad that there really isn't a "best" way out.

Partial hanging is kind of the only option there is for me right now. I just hope I get the courage to actually do it.

 

[iloverachel]

I'm so sorry you have suffered so much and have failed attempts, fear etc
Please keep us updated on how you are feeling
I gone you find the peace you deserve my friend