Venting I crave physical touch yet I'm absolutely disgusted by it

[anonymouswebuser]

I always craved affection and physical touch as a love language, more specifically from a lover
things like a hug or a kiss
but when I receive that affection from a friend, classmate or a family member I find myself automatically flinching and backing away in disgust
I don't even want to hold hands when crossing the street with someone
it's gotten to the point when a friend innocently kissed me on the cheek before leaving as a way to say goodbye I went back home and felt so disgusted I started crying and I don't even know why. I don't want them to touch me
I wasn't sexually harrased in childhood or anything so I don't understand, and after all this I still crave the affection of a lover
my guess is probably because I was exposed to suggestive content in an age that I shouldn't have at all and the fact I always associated affection with romantic love
it's horrible feeling this way because it just makes my relationship with everyone around me even worse, I can't hide the disgusted look on my face and I visibly scoot away from them or just leave the place
Even when my own mother used to hug me when I was young, I never for once felt safe or comforted
I'm so tired of this

 

[FoxSauce]

I understand how you feel not all but somewhat.
I mean we're social creatures we crave love. Although you have your reasons for why you think this way (sorry if that was rude)

You dont need a reason to be uncomfortable by it. You do you boo.

And I get its hard to make a connection nowadays lets face it some people just wanna get into a nightstand and adios (goodbye in spanish)

Again some people im not saying everyone is like this or just at home love wasn't communicated as much or you been betrayed in the past which is something you don't heal immediately its gonna take much more effort to get someone in again.

Plus I haven't experienced a relationship yet but is a vulnerable moment with someone which might probably for some people can be quite frightening.

Dont feel guilty if you crave love is a normal thing your not a bad person cuz of that

I hope you don't feel as bad when you do so you go at your own pace!

I hope you have an amaizing day or night ♡

 

[Phhi49]

I'd say it might have to do with a natural reaction of affection, which is conflicting with a indoctrinated reaction. Then again, i hardly even understand myself, hope you do well^^

 

[EvisceratedJester]

You know, you can just not like physical contact while also desiring it, right? There isn't necessarily some deeper aspect to it. You might just find the feeling of actual physical touch to be uncomfortable because of something as mundane as you just find that it feels weird. Liking and wanting are two different things that stem from different neurobiological processes. Wanting is more driven by dopamine while liking tends to be more driven by endogenous opioids and endocannabinoids. Basically, you can want something while also not liking it and vice versa since those two feelings are independent of one another. Wanting physical touch but not liking it is a pretty normal thing.

It might just be that you are desiring the comfort and social bonding that comes from physical touch while also not having much of an actual preference for the feeling of being touched. I personally don't like being touched and find it repulsive but I do desire it sometimes (particularly when thinking about my bf). My dislike for it has nothing to do with past trauma and I was never a big fan of touched even prior to finding shit like porn. It was something I put up with for the sake of others. Even during instances in early childhood where I did seek it out, there was always this feeling of revulsion that I felt in the back of my mind and that became more prominent as I aged.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I have sort of similar feelings. It's specifically more romantic love I fantasize about but, I feel so ugly and so ashamed of how I look, I also struggle on the rare occassions I receive a hug or contact. So, the fantasy version is appealing but the real life version would likely feel repulsive because I'm replused by myself.

Thankfully, I'm pretty ok with satiating myself with the fantasy version. I just have to make sure it doesn't become focussed on a real life person and turn into limerence.