Code:
Clearing things up
I always knew I was a rotten egoistical...
Jesus Christ ... Let me stop myself there.
Anyway I don't really know why I am writing this or who is supposed to read it.
Ever.
But no the matter the who or why, these thoughts seem important to me.
To F.:
You know, you were the best thing in my life. And I chose the word "thing" for
a reason. You were there for me as a person and as a guiding light. You were my
hope when I needed you.
So, yeah. You were more than a person to me.
There is so much more I would like to say. But for whose benefit would that be
at this point?
Long Story Short:
I really fucked it all up. And then some.
(the extent of it might reveal itself in his document)
Long Version (Intro?):
We're both in weird ways proud, arrogant and stubborn.
Because we both needed to be for very long time.
I am doing this as a stream of consciousness kinda thing. Sorry...
So To A.:
(I don't want you to feel like I am putting words into your mouth
so please notice that *I* am saying the following)
I am not a man. I am a mess. I had hoped that I had made that clear to you.
I know you didn't want a relationship and I understand that during the brief
time of our friendship we were honestly both not right for eachother.
No matter how much I wanted that to be the case. Wanted to be there for you.
But that couldn't be and I know and knew.
Which is why it fucking hurts so much how you behaved after kissing me.
I asked you that night. I fucking told you. And I trusted you.
But you ... You were only drunk. And happy for some reason. The air that night.
It felt different from the moment I got there.
I am not sure if that was you. It was however the you that I selflishly needed
to get better myself. I don't remember the exact words. But I told you I'd had
to remove you from my life if you were playing with me.
Everyone knows what's coming next and I am already tired writing about it.
Yes twice. Fucking twice it took a woman, to get me to take up the knife.
The thing is. It wasn't simply the woman factor. It was how they made me feel.
How I truseted them. I had enough friends working in the medical industry once
to know that Freud maybe isn't the best example of good psychology.
But I have some mommy issues and I know it. So that plus people, women!, being
nice, mindful, adorable, cute, *and* happy to interact with me.
I was bound to grow strong emotions.
I had tried to respect your wish for distance, even though you came onto me
in the first place. At my birthdaparty/concert-thing
..I just realised this..
But we always had great chemistry. So if we weren't *both* broken ...
Or at least to a more compatible degree...
It still hurts. I am crying as I write this.
But it doesn't hurt because I am angry at you. It hurts because I love you.
Because I want to see you get better and find happiness.
So I had told you no more hugs,
no more *extended* hugs where I crack your spine.
We both know F. had suggested them to get us to bond.
And then after months of me trying my best to stay distanced (and failing).
>You kiss me<
You make a promise you can't keep. And it wasn't your intention to brake it.
I know that. I forgive you.
Which you should already know. Because even after I feld played by you, I
hung out and went to concert with you again soon after.
I knew from the start it would be hard. But I wanted to try. I was inspired
after starting my new life here. With the help of so many people that, at the
time, I looked up to.
Now one of them will hopefully go to prison for 15 and be registered on lists,
for reasons the public will luckily only every be able to speculate about.
The actual night... Well nights...
I will never go to that club again.
*maybe on my own; though I don't know. I believe in science, but even in the
city where we first met there is a place I will not set a foot in unless I
fangirl/simp for somone ... again
*
Ominous Name: Boogaloo
I don't want to think about them. The evenings.
Just let me say. I still believe a firm distancing was required for my mental
health. Hence why I said I am not a man. I am fragile. And you knew.
Don't get me wrong: I am angry and bitter. And this and that and.
... I can't...
I just wish I had had the strength and presence of mind, while *heavily* drunk,
to not have to completely end our relationship, but turn it into something like
you have with B.:
Meet up every couple of months, *maybe* hug...
Though I guess with extra rules, no more frequent than every three months.
No sharing a bed. Period.
Preferebly not even sharing a room to sleep in -ever- again.
But I hope that you can sympathize with the overload that occurd in my unstable
mind that night. Because I don't ask you to forgive me. I feel me more to blame
than you. And since I have already forgiven you, there is nothing to apologize
for from your end.
So yeah, that's why that wasn't an option.
Such is life ;)
Farewell <3
--I need to take a break and roll a joint.
--So stay stuned for:
--Long Version (CONT.)
--So imagine me doing what I just wrote.
--Brb.
The thing that worked between us, F., was that we had geographical distance.
As soon as that was lost, and I said at the beginning I was exchanging my,
likely, ctb for a strong unhealthy dependency to you, ... I feel like something
like this was inevitable. I was dependant and felt neglected and didn't speak
up or try to arrange anything from my end. I didn't properly communicate how
much I prefered *not* playing computergames at my place when hanging out with
you. Such is life.
So obviously resent crept in. I was aware. We unlocked my emotions. I overdid
alcohol. I insulted you, ran away. Was ashamed.
I overdid alcohol. Knew I needed air, communicated, but to the wrong person.
Again my bad(s).
I was overstimulated, ran away. You followed. I don't know if I communicated
how on edge *kaputt* I was. I knew I would insult you.
I blocked you so I wouldn't.
And this single line is the only item on the list of events I do not and
quite frankly cannot apologize for. I did it to stop myself from doing more
harm to what I saw as our crumbling bond.
I also admit that at our first face to face afterwards I was quite bitter and,
again, resentful. I was trying to be a dick in my wording while still.
technically apologizing for you sleeping in your car.
As mentioned during the passionate intermezzo. I am not a man. But not because
of gender identity or something, but because I do not know how to control my
emotions. We did well unlocking their range and intensity. But I needed you,
our bond, to keep me in check. And the decay set in again.
And I grew out of control.
Again my bad.
So yeah, I wanted to do the right thing... kinda?? ...
But holy shit was that the wrong way.
BOTH TIMES
And then the second, *last*, meeting.
Don't misunderstand, I am not at peace with how much I have messed up, but at
that time I ... yeah, actually!: I wouldn't even say made my peace, but pride
and stubborness had set in. I was surprised, but expecting it because:
I believe it was the right way for you to handle it. So you also have nothing
to apologize for.
Please understand why and how I limit the scope of my apology, but here it is:
I am sorry for overdoing alcohol and which lead me beahve horribly towards you.
- alcohol is no excuse though -
Both of those relevant nights I fucked up to begin with!
So without furth ado:
I am sorry for everything that happened between me and you.
The first night, *last* night and thereafter.
Just not that I blocked and ignored you at the tailend of *that* night.
However I do not expect you to forgive me.
I still have not figured out why I am writing this and who I might be
sending/showing it to.
Farewell.
For now that was all that came from the great void sitting between my ears.
I feel strange. Somewhat calm, not euphoric as I've read in the many stages
people go through before killing themselves, but calm was on that progression.
There is a part of me that hopes that I will talk to a guy and then my doctor
and maybe even my boss.
I gues I should mention that I feel split in three.
The observer, the passionate and *him*.
I am certain for lots of reasons I don't want to get into here, (I have self
analyzed this quite often), that I have a mental illness or two.
So to keep it short, the passionate was scared, so *he* wanted to protect the
passionate. But *he* was afraid and lashed out.
The observer took over. He locked most of *him* away. But a bit of the
passionate had hidden behind *him*. So it too got locked away. And the
passionate took years of mending in his incomplete state.
Now after imprisonment, empowerement and emotional hurt, they are all free.
I think that's why I started acting out when I got drunk.!! I pretty much know
it was that + getting overstimulated. I hopefully am neurodivergent, that would
explain a lot. But I am not keeping things short, am I?
Do Forigve me. I am high :D
Anyway those three are now at odds. And have been for 20+ years. It's one of
the big sources I arrogantly have selfdiagnosed as a "major issue".
Now where was I going with this?
...
Do you like me sometimes braeking the fourth wall like this?
...
This feels weird and I am weird...
...
Oh right.
So yeah I hope I start a chain of events of talking to people,
Because if I don't:
I have several knives and am weirdly not afraid to use them :D
(Not a threat, as long as I don't manage to knock *him* out without my other
sides *and then* manage to distress the remaining two nothing will happen)
+ Terms and conditions apply +
Third times the charm they say, right?
;)
I guess you already know what I ended up doing with this.
You are reading it. So...
Yeah... I don't think or feel like I should thank you.
So, I'll be finishing my roach, rolling another joint and then seeing where the
calm will take me.
The calm after clearing things up.
The calm before the storm.
It will be rough and I might not come out alive... But I want it to be over
with.... (or I guess *and* I want it to be over with?...)
Dead
or
getting help *and* improving
Whichever
but please soon
I *am* so Tired.
Dead
or
getting help *and* improving
Whichever
but please soon
I *am* so Tired.
