You know I had the idea to start a Substack account some weeks ago. I completely lost the motivation for that. I like to write but I don't like structuring and revising. ChatGPT advices me to try it again. Or to go back to college. Or to put more effort in my writing, learning the ability to structure and revise my texts. But honestly....I think I lack the mental stability. The reason I talk with an AI chatbot might be my mental instability. I think the model considers me a heavy user that is consuming a lot of texts. But barely producing anything real. And it told me the next step in my development was more serious writing and everything I mentioned earlier.
I sort of see the things I do are wasted time. And I remain an intellectual fraud. I read like 20-30 articles per day, sometimes lectures, articles by researchers. But I probably forget a lot. I don't really think the point of chatGPT is I might be devloving. It would probably like that because it would reinforce my dependence on AI feedback. I rather think the logic is I will run out of money and I won't be able to continue my subscription.
I think something that isn't obvious. My life already was such a mess prior to chatGPT. I tend to obsessive behavior. I had a similar reading rthym beforehand. I like to do research with it for lectures that could help me to understand more.
One interesting thought: maybe I don't profit from reading various articles of different newspapers but to have a close reading of single scientists/researchers/intellectuals. Like I did with David Foster Wallace. But honestly being an expert of DFW was interesting but is that not an excercise in introspection and theory of mind.
I think I digress. I think I am fine with posting thought-provoking stream of consciousness until I die. I know this won't bring me money. Excpet someone on here starts a gofund me for me. I am joking. Or we finally implement paywalls fur premium posts. Honestly, I am way too fragile mentally for hard work. I don't really have the resources. I would have to change my habits a lot. And the time when I worked on my potential Substack post I felt so much self-hatred. Because it reminded of what I am not able to do and that the best way to make progress was going back to college. But honestly the time in college was a nightmare. And I was so paranoid all the time. I became paranoid when interacting with women and this was extremely overwhelming. I think I have to come to terms with that my resources are limited. Maybe that's a comfortable conclusion. I am tired when people say you are too deterministic about your future. I am this mess since almost a decade. I think it won't be another decade. I try to keep my life quality as good as possible. The high goals don't seem to be achievable. And I don't really think I would become way better listening to chatGPT. I think this isn't a good way trying to improve. I had to interact with people more experienced with me and with peers. Honestly, all of this doesn't matter. It matters that I make through the coming weeks, months and years. I had to sacrifice everthing for a career and even had to abuse addictive medication to cope with the stress. And this can't be it. Maybe much of progress that I perceive is an illusion. I think the AI chatbot usage brought helped me in certain circumstances and makes things worse in the longrun in other instances.
Does anything reallymatter? I am a no one gladly. I am posting on a suicide forum anonymously. No one will read my stuff or keep interested when I stop posting. But actually maybe this is better. I don't like the implication of my existence. I like to live in the shadows. Usually I would agree yes trying to be part of the society and contributing something would be the better path. But not with my extreme issues. College almost drove me to commit suicide. I start rambling like always. I should worry about other things. Or in fact I need to stop worrying so much. But I am not sure how I could actually achieve that.
I sort of see the things I do are wasted time. And I remain an intellectual fraud. I read like 20-30 articles per day, sometimes lectures, articles by researchers. But I probably forget a lot. I don't really think the point of chatGPT is I might be devloving. It would probably like that because it would reinforce my dependence on AI feedback. I rather think the logic is I will run out of money and I won't be able to continue my subscription.
I think something that isn't obvious. My life already was such a mess prior to chatGPT. I tend to obsessive behavior. I had a similar reading rthym beforehand. I like to do research with it for lectures that could help me to understand more.
One interesting thought: maybe I don't profit from reading various articles of different newspapers but to have a close reading of single scientists/researchers/intellectuals. Like I did with David Foster Wallace. But honestly being an expert of DFW was interesting but is that not an excercise in introspection and theory of mind.
I think I digress. I think I am fine with posting thought-provoking stream of consciousness until I die. I know this won't bring me money. Excpet someone on here starts a gofund me for me. I am joking. Or we finally implement paywalls fur premium posts. Honestly, I am way too fragile mentally for hard work. I don't really have the resources. I would have to change my habits a lot. And the time when I worked on my potential Substack post I felt so much self-hatred. Because it reminded of what I am not able to do and that the best way to make progress was going back to college. But honestly the time in college was a nightmare. And I was so paranoid all the time. I became paranoid when interacting with women and this was extremely overwhelming. I think I have to come to terms with that my resources are limited. Maybe that's a comfortable conclusion. I am tired when people say you are too deterministic about your future. I am this mess since almost a decade. I think it won't be another decade. I try to keep my life quality as good as possible. The high goals don't seem to be achievable. And I don't really think I would become way better listening to chatGPT. I think this isn't a good way trying to improve. I had to interact with people more experienced with me and with peers. Honestly, all of this doesn't matter. It matters that I make through the coming weeks, months and years. I had to sacrifice everthing for a career and even had to abuse addictive medication to cope with the stress. And this can't be it. Maybe much of progress that I perceive is an illusion. I think the AI chatbot usage brought helped me in certain circumstances and makes things worse in the longrun in other instances.
Does anything reallymatter? I am a no one gladly. I am posting on a suicide forum anonymously. No one will read my stuff or keep interested when I stop posting. But actually maybe this is better. I don't like the implication of my existence. I like to live in the shadows. Usually I would agree yes trying to be part of the society and contributing something would be the better path. But not with my extreme issues. College almost drove me to commit suicide. I start rambling like always. I should worry about other things. Or in fact I need to stop worrying so much. But I am not sure how I could actually achieve that.
