Venting I can't stop crying

[w1ngedpearl]

Mom went for a walk. I'm completely alone rn for the first time after these shitty days. Caught a cold, it somehow works like distraction from my terrible thoughts, lol. Anyway, still feel extremely ashamed of myself, especially when I told my mom "Do you think I was joking when I called grandma crying and saying I wanna end my life?". I feel like I'm crazy, hate that feeling. I preferred wearing a mask of a normie in front of everyone, at least it didn't felt like I'm "strange" or insane. I need to distract more and watch youtube. I love to talk to myself when I'm alone - It helps me to process different feelings and events. Now I wanna stay silent - I'm so disgusted by myself, don't want to hear my own voice. I'm a bit anxious about flying to my birth city, because I have no idea how things will go. I know for sure that I'll feel like a stranger and an outcast - not only because I'm not used to being there but because I did so much shit and am ashamed of my body, voice, personality, presence, existence, everything. My brother will 100% make some toxic comments about me. Grandma told that she gifted him 12000$ for graduating with honors. Believe it or not, I'm not envious. I didn't feel anything at all. He deserved. I would waste these money anyway - I would spend them left and right on the stupidiest shit like a new phone, computer, clothes, my favorite food - something useless for entertainment.

I've talked to my boyfriend an hour ago. He makes me feel like I'm in heaven, lol. My mood is always a bit better when i'm with him. Life is still shit but I must distract as much as I can. What else do I have except the ability to dream? Right, nothing.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

upd. If anyone remembers, I cut and threw away almost all of my documents except the international passport (it's a part of my life's best period when I traveled a lot thanks to my mom). Now my grandma called my mom, I heard how she asked about my citizen passport - what did I do to it, if I cut it or smth. Mom refused to talk about it, changed the topic. I felt ashamed. I don't want to talk about this shit and that terrible day. I know my grandma will ask more but I feel it's so shameful to deal with it. They will discuss it with my mom more (already discussed 100%, lol) but I refuse to participate in the conversation. For them, it was an idiotic and stupic act - for me, it was an attempt to cut all ties to prepare for suicide. I want to forget it. I would never want to show myself that way. I want to have a normie mask again, I want to appear a normal human to them, to feel that I worth something (the feeling would be fake but Idgaf). I don't want to be treated as a sick person. I don't want to be myself.

upd. I don't give a shit about therapy. I care only about being able to not worry about money, sit in my room and do nothing. Guess I will never mention my wish to commit suicide in future. I don't trust psychiatrists. They will easily tell my darkest thoughts to relatives - the law allows it. Fuck them all and everything else.

upd. We will drive to the airport in 30 minutes. SN stayed here, I put the package in one of my bags. :) Very glad my mom didn't see it. It's very cheap and easy to get in my country but I like it to be here just in case. Hope I can easy return when I need it because CTB is obviously impossible when I'm at my mom's house. If anyone reads this shit, wish me luck because I'm very nervous.

 

[themindian]

upd. If anyone remembers, I cut and threw away almost all of my documents except the international passport (it's a part of my life's best period when I traveled a lot thanks to my mom). Now my grandma called my mom, I heard how she asked about my citizen passport - what did I do to it, if I cut it or smth. Mom refused to talk about it, changed the topic. I felt ashamed. I don't want to talk about this shit and that terrible day. I know my grandma will ask more but I feel it's so shameful to deal with it. They will discuss it with my mom more (already discussed 100%, lol) but I refuse to participate in the conversation. For them, it was an idiotic and stupic act - for me, it was an attempt to cut all ties to prepare for suicide. I want to forget it. I would never want to show myself that way. I want to have a normie mask again, I want to appear a normal human to them, to feel that I worth something (the feeling would be fake but Idgaf). I don't want to be treated as a sick person. I don't want to be myself.

upd. I don't give a shit about therapy. I care only about being able to not worry about money, sit in my room and do nothing. Guess I will never mention my wish to commit suicide in future. I don't trust psychiatrists. They will easily tell my darkest thoughts to relatives - the law allows it. Fuck them all and everything else.

Hey I just wanted to validate the fact that just because you're human, you deserve happiness, because being human and being alive is just reason enough alone to have happiness. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I mean I actually struggle a lot with happiness too but I come from a whole different battlefield than you. You clearly don't have a lot of money or resources or friends or anything like that, see I do have those things and I think I know how you feel when you say that you just wanted to either play video games or commit suicide because, I think the problem is that our core, we just don't think we deserve happiness and maybe it would be good to have someone validate that for you, like what I'm trying to do for you here.

You 100% deserve all the happiness in the world just for being human. No weird strings attached, no weird obligations, just you sir or ma'am are good enough to be as joyful as if you were dancing in the forest freely to the most beautiful music in the world haha.