Venting I can't stop crying

[w1ngedpearl]

First of all, I'm sorry for the possible mistakes - english isn't my native language.

So, I'll have to CTB next night. There is no other way and no more time left. My mind is huge mess - I feel so sad, terrified and guilty. I was born in a pretty rich family, parents always gave everything to me and I had many opportunities to become something. But I didn't. I'm a loser, absolutely lazy and pathetic. I can't do shit without my parents, I've always had zero motivation and no interest in anything other than food and entertainment. I'm more than 20 years old and still ask my parents for money. I don't want to work and am jealous of people who either work hard and get what they want or are lucky enough to get it from someone or by chance.

I feel like something's really wrong with me. I have 2 brothers - both of them are programmers, are successful in their careers (one of them is younger than me, btw) and smart. They achieve their goals and work hard. What about me... Well. Last 5 years I've been just sleeping and playing games. I guess many families have that one person who had so much potential but ended up a failure. I'm tired of myself. I fucked up everything - got kicked out of university and hid it from everyone; got into huge debt; sold almost all items from the apartment my parents gifted me. I hate myself. I'm terrible inside and outside. I'm obese, my face is ugly, my body is hideous, I don't have beautiful clothes, I never felt pretty; I'm not smart, I don't have charisma, I'm boring and stupid. All in all, I'm a failure who destroyed all chances that were right in my hands. I feel guilty every second of my life. My parents should have gave me to an orphanage - I didn't deserve their money, attention or time.

I don't know why I'm crying so much. Guess I never wanted it to end like that. I want to live tbh but it's impossible. I want to be beautiful and rich but I will never be. I want to be a normal human but I can't. Part of me wants to be saved as there are some beautiful things in the world I saw and had. However, I understand that I have no future and it will get only worse. Some things can't be fixed. I'm so fucking sad right now. I became a person I've never expected or wanted to be. I'm crying because I'll miss my mom. I'm crying because I hate myself so so fucking much. I'm crying because I'm scared. My heart never felt heavier than today. It feels so awful to isolate myself at home and hear how kids play, people laugh and talk - they just live, and life will continue for them.

Thanks for reading my post. It's a small part of my vent. My mind feels like fog.

 

[popbob]

i could never imagine a world without my parents, good luck

 

[Infinitespace_]

bro you are not a machine you are a human being you don't have to achieve anything in this life to accept and love yourself ,,, machines have purpose, man has no purpose

 

[unluckysadness]

I send you hugs

 

[w1ngedpearl]

bro you are not a machine you are a human being you don't have to achieve anything in this life to accept and love yourself ,,, machines have purpose, man has no purpose

I fully agree with you. For me it's not about achieving - it's the understanding that I will never be happy, never will become a person who I wanted to be, never will live the way I dreamt of. I fucked up too much and I told less than I could 'cuz I'm tired of it.

i could never imagine a world without my parents, good luck

I send you hugs

Thanks friends, I send you both (and everyone who reads it) hugs

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi.
First of all I'm really sorry you are going through this. It sounds very overwhelming, it's only normal you are considering suicide and just feeling all these things.
I relate to a lot of bits. I'm a mess myself, dependant, rather useless, so many chances and opportunities gone to waste due to my shitty mental health and cowardice over the years, I look back and I can only see them as wasted, specially when I compare myself to others that are rather thriving, even if they are also going through their own shit, but with motivation to do so, which hurts a bit more some times. Guilt, expectations and failure are terms my brain likes a lot too, and comparison is a killer. No matter how much actual truth there is in it we will always turn it to worse for ourselves. And depression just eats you up like a beast.
If this helps anything, know you are not alone in this. You are not an exceptional universal black sheep, a lot of people find themselves in that spot and feeling this way. It is still awful. Not to minimize it or deny it, on the contrary, just so you know, you are not alone.

From your last paragraph I get that you do want to live, and experience things, and aspire to things, and spend time with your family and loved ones, and "just be normal and okay", even if it's not as successful as other people, just be okay, which I admit yeah sounds pretty good. And hell to be saved too. But if you want these things, yet there seems to be something that's been making it imposible, that's where the thought of suicide is born, out of the desperation of what you believe imposible based on your experience so far.

So based on that, I just have to ask. Have you ever gotten professional help, or reached out for it?
Therapy, meds, techniques, you name it.
You might have, if so surely all of this is hard to overcome regardless, it is for me, but I didn't see you mentioning it, so I have to ask. Because it can make a world a difference. And if you haven't tried it, you simply must before giving in to ctb

Most of what seems unfixable, intrinsically broken, inferior, and hopeless often isn't, but it feels that way. That's how the brain operates when it has sunk so deep. But if you still want to live and do the things you mention, then there is a very high chance you can overcome these things you now see as imposible if you get actual professional help for how to do that. I just have to tell it how I see it. You are still objectively young af. Sure comparison tells you that other people younger are doing better, you are 20+, bla bla. Simply put, the brain is mostly fucking with you, by reviewing your experience so far and seeing it has only gone down it deduces it can only go down further, which is not true, but feels so. It both excells and sucks at logic like that.
So again, if you haven't tried anything (and if you have forgive my rant), and just sunk in that depression and perceived failure, you still have plenty of time to learn how to actually make it work and live as you want. It is posible. Hard, but very posible. Fact.
So please, if you allow my annoyance, consider giving that a try instead of trying for death tomorrow, and remember the things you'd like to live for if the help were to work.

Again I'm so sorry you are feeling this awful at the moment, I feel you there, really. It gets truly awful and desperate and hopeless, but you don't lose anything by giving it a try, and you can gain it all. In any case, please take it as easy as you can today, there are breathing exercises here if you need, or talk to people or do what works best for you to make it easier in any way. Any easier is welcomed. I hope you feel a bit better as soon as posible. Again I'm sorry. Wish I could give you a hug to soothe you, but sending you a virtual one now <3

 

[w1ngedpearl]

Again I'm so sorry you are feeling this awful at the moment, I feel you there, really. It gets truly awful and desperate and hopeless, but you don't lose anything by giving it a try, and you can gain it all. In any case, please take it as easy as you can today, there are breathing exercises here if you need, or talk to people or do what works best for you to make it easier in any way. Any easier is welcomed. I hope you feel a bit better as soon as posible. Again I'm sorry. Wish I could give you a hug to soothe you, but sending you a virtual one now <3

Thank you so much for such a detailed answer. I appreciate your support. I didn't write everything I have because my mind is so messed up, so am I. It's hard to formulate ideas clearly. I don't understand myself because I feel I want to be saved but at the same time I know it's not worth it. I didn't try help, I don't have money for it (in my country free medical help is awful, especially when it comes to mental health). The only people who may help me are my parents but I'm tired of being a problem. It's always something with me. Trust me, I fucked up a lot and, as I mentioned, some things can't be fixed already. Also, I don't have emotional connection with parents - I've never talked about my feelings with them and I feel ashamed of my emotions. Moreover, I can't imagine opening my heart and talking about my suicidal thoughts. Maybe I'm afraid of the answer. What if they will think i'm just weird or pretending for god knows what reason? It will be better when I'm gone. No more problems, no more wasted money or time on me. At least it's what I'm trying to believe.

 

[getoutgirl]

Thank you so much for such a detailed answer. I appreciate your support. I didn't write everything I have because my mind is so messed up, so am I. It's hard to formulate ideas clearly. I don't understand myself because I feel I want to be saved but at the same time I know it's not worth it. I didn't try help, I don't have money for it (in my country free medical help is awful, especially when it comes to mental health). The only people who may help me are my parents but I'm tired of being a problem. It's always something with me. Trust me, I fucked up a lot and, as I mentioned, some things can't be fixed already. Also, I don't have emotional connection with parents - I've never talked about my feelings with them and I feel ashamed of my emotions. Moreover, I can't imagine opening my heart and talking about my suicidal thoughts. Maybe I'm afraid of the answer. What if they will think i'm just weird or pretending for god knows what reason? It will be better when I'm gone. No more problems, no more wasted money or time on me. At least it's what I'm trying to believe.

Those are all completely understandable concerns and fears about this. And a lot more introspection than you might give yourself credit for, I think you'd like to explore more of these things and about yourself, even if it is scary. All these would be brought up and adressed in therapy, believe me there.

Still, I know reaching out for help is one of the hardest things you can do, precisely for these reasons and similar ones. I know, I was there too. But it is so worth it in the end.

If you can get access through your parents, I suggest you take it. Hard to do so, I get it. You already feel like a burden enough, seems paradoxical. You don't have to discuss your suicidality in detail with them or at all if you don't want to, as long as you still start the therapy. That's the one goal now. You can simply tell them you've been extremely depressed, and that you'd want to start therapy to better your life and start feeling good at last. And I assure you your parents would want that, and would only feel happier once that starts being the case. I know the shame and the guilt over it, you just have to remember that truth as louder. It is a pushback against the brain, one that gets easier once you start.

Similarly, I don't think you can convince yourself at the moment that all this you think is imposible really isn't. Or suddenly feel it's worth it. When the brain has been stuck in the depression spiral for so long those are just not things that can be changed in an instant or with just a quick convo. Aware of that myself. I think it is okay, and rather necessary to accept that.
It is a process, a hard one, but one so rewarding and worth it, through therapy, you understand yourself and the why's, and you put them into practice, and you feel better, and at some point you realise stuff feels less imposible and more worth it. It's just how it is, you really don't have to think much about it, it's okay to accept rn you see it as imposible.

So besides all the current despair out of the uncertainty you feel and how overwhelmed you are by it all, I'd say you only need to remind yourself of 2 certainties to start this.

1. is that Everyone that gets through this saw it as imposible too. That this isn't some exclusive mental condition of yours, it is very much the common, and the normal supposed starting point.
and
2. is that Deep down, deeper than the suicidality you are trying to convince yourself of and believe, you Want to live and do this. Deeper down you know this is what you'd want to be able to try, and then to live and do all you mentioned.

So knowing you want to live and that yours is the normal starting point for this, with all the fears included, before it actually works for those in the same situation, you just have to do it.
Which is still hard, but I will be annoying again, it is worth it, and you need it, and you'll be grateful for it.
Its a hard conversation with your parents (for you, for them I can bet they'll feel happier, and would hurt a lot more if you were to die instead, regardless of the no more wasted money or problems you are trying to convince yourself of, which I get the why, I do so myself some times) and after that hard part the rest is there for you, and a path to what you actually want to do, which I repeat, is posible, you'd just gotta take this thing first and the rest will come in time.

I won't annoy more if it's not asked of me. But I do believe in all this I've said, from experience too, and so I have to say it to you. As morbid as it is, you can always kill yourself in the future, it doesn't have to be tomorrow. This I talked about you can start now.
The biggest hugs your way, I hope you feel good from today to tomorrow and that you make the right decision, hard, but you can. Take care <3

 

[w1ngedpearl]

The biggest hugs your way, I hope you feel good from today to tomorrow and that you make the right decision, hard, but you can. Take care <3

Thank you again. I've read your answer several times. So, 40 minutes ago I ended a call with my grandmom. I know I'm terrible for telling her about my terrifying thoughts but I was so desperate and couldn't stop crying, I was afraid of staying alone with my thoughts. I felt I could call only her, not parents, no idea why. I feel like shit now, I mean shittier than before. She told me that I'm young and beautiful, that she loves me and will do everything for me. I made her cry. I'm the worst human being ever. I don't deserve such lovely relatives. I said I don't deserve her help, also I was crying so much that I couldn't tell anything reasonable, I was telling again and again that it will only get worse and I want to end my life.

I'm so lost and don't know what to do. I still think that killing myself is the right decision. I'm a burden, I can't make anything right. Tomorrow (for me it's already today — 3:44 a.m now) my mom will come (we live in different cities) and see what I've done (I sold almost every possible item from the apartment she bought to me because I didn't want to work but wanted to live a bit more). This is my problem - I don't think. I live every day like it's the last one, don't care about consequences, don't think about future. I'm a stupid child in an adult's body. I don't deserve anything at all. There's plenty wrong with me. I still think that I must try to CTB. Nothing will ever be good or better. These people (my loved ones) are wasting their nerves on a wrong person. I've been crying non-stop for 3 days — not because I feel bad for myself but because I feel bad for my relatives. I'm a burden to them. Idk why they love me and help me. I feel like shit because other people have much, much worse situations — some of them lost their parents/friends/etc and are completely alone, some have awful diseases... I took everything for granted. I had opportunities but broke them. I dreamt almost every day about living my life from the start but not making all these stupid mistakes. My heart feels sooooo heavy.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hey.
First of all hey, I'm glad you made it tonight. Really.
Second, I don't think you are terrible for telling your grandmom, at all, but I know how terrible it feels when it seems you've never reached out to anyone and already feel like a burden, it just feels like adding more burden. It is not. but I get how it feels like that, and how the compliments just feel weird and in part reinforce the guilt. I'm glad you called though.

Again I can only tell you that all that desperation, hopelessness and feeling that it will never get better and will only get worse are only cognitive distorsions engrained by years of spiraling down in your depression, so objectively not true. That is of little comfort, I know, just knowing that, or half believing it which is the ideal for now, doesn't suddenly make all those awful feelings and thoughts go away. I'd really wish that for you rn. But they will still be there until you learn how to manage them, which, surprisingly, you can and will.

But I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this crisis. 3 day crying sounds awful. I've had similar lenght and longer breakdowns and the constant hurricane of these thoughts and the physical manifestation of just feeling awful... you can sort of escape it by sleeping, but if there is a closing window like your mom coming, that gets harder, and you start considering death a lot more to escape all that guilt and feelings. And in the end neither that or escaping is the solution.

If it's of any comfort, I do think you are a kind and caring person. I know the immediate brain reaction to that is the opposite lol, after all you feel like a burden that has wasted so much money and energy by them. But truth is, as you say, you feel bad for your relatives and not for yourself, you care for them above all and would like them to be okay and without a burden, which in this case you think is yourself. Guilt is also the flipside to love, it's a good meter for that.

You care, you just don't know or don't have the tools for how to actually do that, and feel overwhelmed by all these feelings, which only makes that harder with time, and seem imposible.

All you are saying can be adressed in therapy, or just with professional help. Right now it's eating you up cos you are defenseless against it. It's understandable you see your only out in death. It took me years and a few close calls to actually reach out, after spending so much of their money in studies I was too depressed to pass, food I'd rather not have eaten, all the sadness I had selfishly spread on them...
The one reason I am alive today is, also, guilt. I just simply can't delude myself out of the fact that my death would only bring further suffering to my family. Grief is a piercing knife that never really leaves, and I can't bring myself to part with that gift for them. It is a trapping realization, asphyxiating for me at least. Because you are either stuck here being a burden, or die and escape the feeling but cause them a bigger, biggest, pain. Guilt seems inescapable, and in that state you can gravitate to either of the two easily. But in short being stuck here while dealing with all this is awful, specially when you have nothing, and I mean Nothing, to deal with it.

So all this rant to say I feel you there. And in the guilt, the burden, the regret, the helplessness, the comparison against others going through harder times yet enduring. All that's there, and seems to only push you downwards. But it can fade, and you can learn new things, and you can actually in not long time care for your family and make you both feel the opposite of what you've so far been feeling. The horrible thoughts are a lot, but you only have to remember a few distinct good things to start that.

Again I'm sorry you are going through this. I can only hope this heaviness of the heart and current breakdown is what moves you to finally try that and take those hardest first steps.
You can't do so convinced of it. You will still believe it imposible for a while. That's just something you'd have to accept.
It is good to do it scared.

So again, and all the times that's necessary, I will be annoyingly ranty about it :P

Once your mom comes. You two could have a hug. And then see from there.
that's all I can say really.
also sending big hugs your way, take it easy if you can <3

 

[w1ngedpearl]

So again, and all the times that's necessary, I will be annoyingly ranty about it :P

Once your mom comes. You two could have a hug. And then see from there.
that's all I can say really.
also sending big hugs your way, take it easy if you can <3

Thanks again. Idk how to thank you for your detailed answers and caring about me. Also, you and your texts are not annoying. I made it tonight because I still have some time - about 6-7 hours. I slept for 3 h and now I feel worse. You see, I would want to live but there are some things that I will never have and I didn't mentioned them as it's too painful. I will really have to CTB - if not now, then later. I guess I sound dramatic and childish but believe me. Some things are just fine for now but they will become worse later and I will lose them for a fact and it will be an unbearable pain. Idk what's worse - trying to die knowing that there are still people who care about you or doing it completely alone. Both options suck in their own ways and it's never easy. I haven't talked to my mom for almost a week and I didn't check what she writes me - I just deleted the messenger where we used to text. Yes, it's childish as fuck but I wanted to be alone with my own thoughts because seeing her talking to me about normal everyday stuff while I feel terrible is heartbreaking. Last thing she wrote me was about ordering some clothes for me. She suggested to buy smth and I cried seeing that message ngl - because I don't need anything, don't deserve anything, don't feel okay. Also, maybe it will sound stupid but my mom didn't call me after my conversation with grandma (she 100% knows about that). Again, it's childish but I think maybe she didn't take it seriously. All in all, I don't know what I want now. Idk why I'm scared of death knowing that my future will be dark, that I will never have some things I dream of (not everything is about money). As I mentioned before, I never wanted it to end that way.

 

[getoutgirl]

Well, again it sounds really heartbreaking and lonely what you are going through. We tend to isolation when depression hits that bad, just get away from everything/anyone. I've ghosted so many people on messenger's for months too lol. In fact, actively doing so still with quite a few. I also had a rought time whenever I was gifted something or someone cared about me, because of all the self hate and guilt of feeling you can never reciprocate that. I'll insist it is very much posible now, you just don't have the tools.

Things can get worse, things can get better, the latter seems uncertain and rather imposible cos your brain can't process otherwise, and if you don't do anything sure, it would get worse. You can do something tho.

If CTB is truly inevitable in the future, then it can wait, you can at least give this a try to confirm that. If honest I still sometimes think I'll eventually commit suicide too, like it's just this unavoidable reality one day I'll do, and it's rather comforting in that way, but that hasn't stopped me from getting some help and better managing all this. And believe me I do so a lot better than when I had absolutely nothing. Your words are a hard reminder and memory of that time.

Again, I can only encourage you to wait these 6-7 hours. In the great scheme, the pain you'll suffer in them is uncomparable with the one you've already experienced. You can get through them. And once she is there, you can talk. And I think you need and want to talk so bad.
So if you can, and forgive me but, please, try to relax for these next hours, don't think if you don't need to, pass them as best you can. If you wanna talk i'm around, in any case do whatever you think can help you get through them any easier. You'll be fine. Big hugs <3

 

[w1ngedpearl]

So if you can, and forgive me but, please, try to relax for these next hours, don't think if you don't need to, pass them as best you can. If you wanna talk i'm around, in any case do whatever you think can help you get through them any easier. You'll be fine. Big hugs <3

Thank you for being around. I really need it right now because it's scary to deal with it by myself. What a strange feeling tbh — I don't want to talk to or see anyone and at the same time I want someone to come and tell me, "It will be fine, I'll fix it for you". But I don't see any point to fix it for me — I'll break it again.

Also, I can relate. I ghosted so many people. They cared about me and wanted to be my friends but I failed to keep them. I've always dreamt of having a big group of friends with our own vibe and jokes. I'm jealous of people who have true friends.

CTB is inevitable. I have many problems, I don't talk about all of them now because it's so exhausting — they already live rent free in my head, lol. I think one of them is worth mentioning.

I have a boyfriend. We are together for 1.5 years and long-distance. I shouldn't have started dating him. The problem is I'm a selfish pathetic liar. I used photos and videos of another girl. I was "lucky" to have almost the same body and face as hers (she's more pretty tho). I use programms to change my face on pics and videos. I know it sounds completely crazy and deranged. Absolutely stupid, disgusting and selfish. But he would never be with me if I showed my true self. We would never be able to meet anyway. I'm not beautiful at all. Maybe you'll say all people are beautiful their own way and so on... the hard truth is not everyone is beautiful. My face is ugly, my body is hideous, my hair and skin look unkempt, I don't have money to buy some beautiful clothes or products for skin/hair/etc. care (and to get therapy lol, I really can't afford anything, now I have 0 on my bank account). At the same time, my bf is beautiful, handsome and sexy. He has friends and actual life besides the internet, he doesn't have any mental health issues. He could easily find someone. Now you will probably say or think that I'm still young, I will meet someone else... I don't care about this possible meeting because I know how hard it is to find someone who will feel like "your person" — comforting, matching your vibe. I adore how lovely, caring and cute he is. He doesn't care about sex, his love feels so pure, it's a rare thing. That's all I ever wanted to meet. So, yeah... I know I should end it and it's selfish to continue this nonsense but I so desperately want to feel loved. There is no other way besides the internet to feel love for me and I'm not even talking about meeting a decent person. I love him and try to show it every day. Idk why he loved me, he says I'm the best and nicest person he has ever met. He's serious about meeting and being with me. It breaks my heart to realise that some day he will get over me, find someone else, love and kiss someone else. It's so sad. This thing is one of the reasons that make me wanna CTB anyway. And now I feel terrible leaving him like that, if I decide to CTB he will never understand what happened, maybe will think I just left for no reason, it's also so heartbreaking. I know we will never be together and it will end but I wish to experience it a bit more because this is one of the best things ever happened to me. I don't have anything else in my pathetic life.

I have a dream to live in another country. It's a europian country, my family owns an apartment there in a small town on the seaside. We used to visit this place every summer before 2020 (covid and other shit). I miss it so much. However, I will never live there because I don't have money. Also, I understand that without my parents I would never be able to travel. It's all about money. Without money people are nothing. Sure it won't give you 100% happiness but it gives everything else — opportunities, good health care and stability.

I want to wish you all the best, btw. You're a nice person. I wish the world had more people like you.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

I wanted to talk to my bf before he goes to work. He texted me that he was busy and maybe we can talk next time. What if there won't be next time? I told him that I'm scared and can't stop crying but named another reason. Also, I found out that my mom called me at night after that conversation with grandma but on different number. Grandma called today in the morning. I didn't see the calls. I'm crying so much. I'm scared. I can't stand how heartbreaking it is. I don't want to call anyone anymore. I'm so fucking scared

 

[w1ngedpearl]

Idk if anyone's still here. Guess what? I fucking chickened. I can't. It's like my brain completely turned off this "I'm ready to die" mood. I feel bad but not like before. I just feel that I will have to face consequences. I fucking can't die. I also read about post-suicide rehabilitation. My mom will come soon, she has the keys, if she calls emergency and they manage to save me - I'll have to spend 2-4 weeks in a psych ward. It's worse than death. It's so pathetic tbh, I know. I can't and that's it. But Idk how to explain why I sold almost EVERYTHING (tv, refridgerator, washing machine, etc, etc) because I was living every day like it's the last and didn't want to work. It's easier to dream about dying than to actually do it. I'm not brave. Also, I felt so bad about my bf. I'm not ready to leave him when he still loves me. Omg. Life fucking sucks.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I adore how lovely, caring and cute he is. He doesn't care about sex, his love feels so pure, it's a rare thing. That's all I ever wanted to meet. So, yeah... I know I should end it and it's selfish to continue this nonsense but I so desperately want to feel loved. There is no other way besides the internet to feel love for me and I'm not even talking about meeting a decent person. I love him and try to show it every day. Idk why he loved me, he says I'm the best and nicest person he has ever met. He's serious about meeting and being with me.

Maybe he is also feeling lonely, and in need of someone he can trust. Hopefully the relationship goes well.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

Maybe he is also feeling lonely, and in need of someone he can trust. Hopefully the relationship goes well.

Ohh, thank you. I hope too. Wish you all the best.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

Guess I should use my thread as a diary. I keep a paper one but it's not the safest and most comfortable one, at least after what happened.

So, what about the last 3 days... my mom came and she was shocked seeing what I've done (sold almost everything from the apartment). :^) Ofc I made up a believable story and reason. Still stupid but better than "I didn't want to work but wanted to live more". She didn't scream, didn't insult me. At night she woke me up to talk about my plan. If I stay here — I'll have 2 months to try fixing the situation and she will give me money (but I actually have to try). If I go with her — then I don't have to find work, can rest and fix my health. I hesitated going with her at first but then agreed. I still don't want tbh because who doesn't like freedom? But I understand that I failed at living alone and being an adult overall. It sucks to be dependent. Idk what will wait for me in another city. I lived in a big house there, so I have my own room on the 2nd floor. I will have personal space and hope no one will bother me too much. I agreed only because I won't have to work and worry about money. Idc about my mental health. I want to force myself feel so bad that I will CTB without a problem. Not every issue can be fixed. Rn my bf keeps me alive. He was almost the only reason why I felt bad ending my life. I will stay alive in this idiotic world as long as he loves and needs me. I hope it's easier to CTB when you don't have such a strong emotional bond with someone. I hate myself but I love and miss him. It was scary talking to him for the "last time". I was love bombing him, lmao. The way he told me he loves me back and we can talk next time broke me (I mean my desire to commit suicide). Can't let him down. I love him more than myself.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I'm curious, if I may ask, what story did u tell?

(Dad found out I wasn't enrolled in the other course, I said I never enrolled vs enrolled and dropped out)

 

[w1ngedpearl]

I'm curious, if I may ask, what story did u tell?

(Dad found out I wasn't enrolled in the other course, I said I never enrolled vs enrolled and dropped out)

Sure you may, I can answer any question. Never felt more comfortable anywhere before. This is the only place. You guys are the sweetest. :^)
Well, I mentioned being in huge debt. So, I made up a story that some guy was threatening me and telling he'd kill all relatives, me and I was scared (in my country some companies actually have these "black" debt collectors who don't care about laws and can threaten, spread personal info, etc - nothing can be done with them, they write from fake numbers). So, that was my fake story about needing money. My mom told that I should've just told her (it's not the first time I hide problems and guess not the last one).
She still doesn't know that I haven't finished university (I lied for 4 years about studying and bought a fake but real looking diploma to show her). Yeah yeah, I'm a terrible human being. But I honestly didn't give a shit about my "safety" with that diploma situation. I just wanted my mom to be happy. Hope she will NEVER find out. I felt terrible thinking how it may hurt her. May she forever think this way.

 

[EmptyBottle]

ooo, one can buy diplomas.
Unlike here... but here... one can probably become a missing person tho...

 

[w1ngedpearl]

ooo, one can buy diplomas.
Unlike here... but here... one can probably become a missing person tho...

Can buy but can't use, or go to jail for making/using fake documents. I think many countries have the same law. At first I tried making it in photoshop to print later and I did kinda great, lol. But I realised it must've been more convincing and ordered it. Omg, I can't believe one person can lie so much and do all this shit but here we are.

upd.
I also don't want to go there because I feel ashamed of myself. I have a younger brother (he's a year younger than me but much more successful) there at home. My grandma lives in her own apartment. Soo, my brother is the type of a person who likes to fuck people's brains sometimes, he can be sarcastic and not nice. He will 100% make some toxic comments about me and all the shit I've done. We aren't close with him obviously. Guess I will isolate myself in my room and tell that I don't wanna talk to him. I hope he won't make me cry and won't fuck up my mood. I'm very emotional and fragile.

upd.
I spend so much time on my phone and computer. Now that my mom finally saw and understood I have mental health problems, hope I have kinda "immunity" in front of her eyes. I mean I'm sick, so I "can't" work or do anything "useful".

 

[w1ngedpearl]

Feel like shit every morning tbh. Going through every day seems torturous. As I said, I have my bf as the only light in this shithole. Hope when I'll be in another city, nothing happens with us. I can always fake that my condition became better, return to my current city and try CTB again in case everything goes wrong. :^) My mood swings like crazy. It's complicated to convince myself that I should feel well at the moment as everything's fine now — I know it won't last forever. At night I was texting with bf and smiled. He makes me forget everything. I hate that love is so addicting.
I should've killed myself the day I planned. Now I'm a burden who will be treated as "that strange sick person". I hate being sick. It's much better to live alone with this feeling and wear a mask of a "normal person" in front of everyone. I got used to wearing masks because I hate being myself. I want to be able to exist as long as bf is by my side. Idgaf about living, trying to be better or else. I didn't want to reveal how sick I am to my mom and other relatives but I had to. Just let me exist and experience this small dream and die when it ends. Reality is shit and will be shit always.

upd.
I'm a selfish pos, I know. I understand that I hurt my mom and am a burden, so I "must try" fixing my life. But I didn't ask to be born. My mom has a stable life, money, a good big house, 2 smart sons. She doesn't have depression. She will be fine. It will be better without me. I'll never tell it to her and never write in my suicide note (not sure if I even leave any note when I'll CTB). I blame only myself but can't live with it. I'm tired of myself.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

I can't stop comparing myself to other people. I have mixed feelings about it — I don't give a fuck about them but at the same time I wish my life went differently. I have examples from my own family — my 2 brothers. Idk why they are normal while I'm not. Why do I have to suffer so much? Why am I not smart, why am I not interested in anything? Why do I have 0 motivation to do anything? We all were raised by the same parents. I don't get it — why?! My younger brother is a very ambitious person, he isn't afraid to set hard goals and achieve them. What the fuck went wrong with me. I'm so tired. I hate myself, I feel ashamed of every single part of me.

upd. Existence is the synonym of pain. All people suffer for their own reasons. Even rich, famous and loved ones. Life is a fucking suffering joke. Idk why people are supposed to "overcome" it and "stay strong". In my case there's fucking nothing — it's only the possibility to work on some low-paid job until the end of my pathetic life. It won't happen. I won't live for long just to work and barely afford anything. Fuck it.

 

[StoneBridge]

Not all lives are created equal, and no one is perfect. Appreciate your strength, do not focus too much on your weakness/failures.
By the way, I cried about five times today, really want to jump, unfortunately the building is only four-storey, that's life.
Wish you find your way out - out of your troubles or out of this world - whichever is the best to you.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

Not all lives are created equal, and no one is perfect. Appreciate your strength, do not focus too much on your weakness/failures.
By the way, I cried about five times today, really want to jump, unfortunately the building is only four-storey, that's life.
Wish you find your way out - out of your troubles or out of this world - whichever is the best to you.

Thank you. I understand that no one is perfect, all people are different and have their own weak/strong sides. Guess my most strong side is the ability to lie very well, lol. I failed at everything, so Idc about changing. Too much shit was done. I'll exist while my bf is with me, don't need anything else. Thanks again, best wishes from me.

 

[themindian]

I'm crying for you right now man.

It isn't you. It's this establishment that raised us and no I won't hear any arguments as to how you should "toughen up buttercup" the establishment is real and it's showing you a real world of beauty like you saw In your childhood that THEY/the establishment tried to take away.

There is no easy answer as to attain that beauty once again but I can tell you now that it's going to take a lot of protest, delcaration and objections toward this establishment from people like you and me that want to live in that beautiful world that we always knew in our youth so that we might be able to rebuild it with what we can preserve from it and if we make a foundation for being able to just live solely to have friends, love, and laughter.

If you read anything else of my post, read this:

DONT LET GO OF THE THINGS THAT MADE YOUR WORLD BEAUTIFUL. IF ITS YOUR XBOX, OR YOUR ACTIONS FIGURES, OR ANYTHING THAT YOU SAW AS BEAUTIFUL AND MADE YOU HAPPY, PRESERVE IT AS BEAT AS YOU CAN!!!

-Bradley C.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

It isn't you. It's this establishment that raised us and no I won't hear any arguments as to how you should "toughen up buttercup" the establishment is real and it's showing you a real world of beauty like you saw In your childhood that THEY/the establishment tried to take away.

Of course I read and appreciate every post. I'm touched by your answer.

I agree with you. Parents/grandparents are usually oppressive with this "being productive" shit. I heard how my mom told that people gotta work (setting and achieving goals) hard when they're young because "they can't get tired". She told it to my brother, not me, but I felt guilty for being lazy. It didn't motivate me to work hard tho (I barely made any efforts).

Today we went for a walk with my mom, discussed everything that came to mind. She was talking about the next door neighbor and his daughter. His daughter is interested in opera singing, studies it seriously and sings in a choir. My mom was judgemental about this, told "But what about actually achieving something? Will she be singing in a choir all her life? It's hard to become a good and famous opera singer!" Besides that, she mentioned my older brother. He's 37 y.o. and a successful programmmer who makes a lot of money. Recently he was promoted to small director and now his income is higher. Mom called him childish because sometimes he lacks enough responsibility. I thought "Seriously?" ... Here she has me - a failure who has 0 on her bank account, who isn't successful at anything, who always does stupidiest shit ever, lies, barely affords food and is still dependent, who can't work and exist without her help, who ruins everything, who is stupid and unattractive, isn't responsible at all. After that she calls him childish?! Lol. She never called me a failure/loser/burden or else but it's kinda funny. Guess she says worse things about me behind my back. I don't blame her at all, I blame only myself.

 

[themindian]

Yeah like when I was living with my parents, me and my brother when he would come home would just get high and talk about whatever the fuck we wanted for hours on end. Hours. And we made a REALLY firm bond that got me to know and love my brother in ways that I didn't even know was possible. And it was always like "there's this thing about neuroscience and theory how humans evolved by eating psychedelic mushrooms as apes and basically started forming thought patterns and their entire nervous system took on a new state of being and here we are, years and years later, eating psychedelic mushrooms just like our ape ancestors, I mean who knows where we could go from here???" XD

Holy shit man the talks we had like "here us kids are as the next rocket scientists figuring out the depths and patterns of the universe by taking psychadelics on this giant hill in the middle of our neighborhood that teenagers have had sex on for practically decades now."

Like it was like getting hit by the biggest mental freight train in the world when I got to these stupid ass mental rehabs like you'd ask someone what their favorite song or music is and they just look at you like "what?" Cuz they all were so fucking drugged out of their mind and there really was no escape from those fucking places

But dude listen I'm telling you, the worst part about those mental health rehabs, BY FAR, was not the fact that I couldn't escape it was the fact that everyone there has given up on their childhood and their childish values like exploring philosophy and neuroscience and video games, THERES WAS NO ONE THERE LIKE US(as in kids that just want to talk about cool stuff freely and bond by doing that and playing video games)
And I would consider you in a similar boat as me cuz I fought tooth and nail to preserve my childhood as best as I fucking could, I live in a real house, by myself, retired at 29(today's my birthday actually)

AND I STILL HAVE NO ONE LIKE MY BROTHER OR ANYONE THATS HELD ONTO THEIR CHILDHOOD LIKE US IN LIKE 5 YEARS.

So all im saying is i think you can make a choice, you can maybe go into those mental rehabs when you get kicked out and just be a guy that's stares into space drooling all the time,

OR HOLD ONTO YOUR CHILDHOOD AS BEST AS YOU FUCKING CAN AND DEFEND IT WITH YOUR LIFE LIKE I HAVE, and maybe you'll get more meaning out of life than 99% of people cuz those 99% of people have submitted to the establishment.

WE DONT HAVE TO. you don't have to and I didn't have to either cuz I still play video games with my time in retirement as much as I can(but it's not easy cuz I have demons, that's a story for later)

You've got my support. There's not many of us left man. Hold onto the beautiful things of your childhood if you can. I'm tellin' ya.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

@themindian Wow, happy birthday mate. It's cool you had such a unique vibe with your brother and made it this way. Hope you still have him around. Thanks for your support, you've got mine too.