Venting i can’t get over the fear

[asphyxiangel]

has anyone else been in the position where they have gotten REALLY close to ctb but when the time came you just couldn't do it?

i just got home from my "attempt". i wrote a note, called someone to let them know my plans, and left a key under the doormat. i fed my cats and cried as i said goodbye to them and i walked to my secluded area with my gun. safety off, barrel in mouth, finger to the trigger. i was playing my favorite song and i was ready to go.
but i couldn't. why? it makes me feel pathetic to come home and think that all of that was just some dramatic theatrical "i'm gonna kms" moment

i fear not hitting the right spot needed to die. i've done so much research about where to aim, have the proper caliber and bullets for it to make an impact but the thought of flinching as i pull the trigger and then just being left paralyzed freaks me tf out.
i also fear the moments leading up to actually dying. realistically i know that it'll happen fast and i probably will be dead before i can even realize what's happening but the thought of laying there in agony potentially regretting my decision before death comes terrifies me
and don't even get me started on what comes after either bruh

pls share experiences or thoughts of wisdom :')

 

[InAgony]

Yes I've done this many times. Had tablets ready to take, got drunk trying to gain courage to take them, been to the train station several times willing myself to jump, wanted to hang myself but haven't. I've also part attempted several times, but without enough conviction to make it successful and once I actually tried really hard to complete it but it didn't work ...so I'm still here and now resigned to the fact I probably will never do it, which leaves me in an awful position.

In my mind I'm 100% certain I want to, need to, and will, but when it comes to it, I can't.

 

[Ash]

I think most of us on this forum have been in this position. You're not pathetic. You've actually had the most natural reaction in the world.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Yep. I had also thoroughly prepared everything. And then I was standing there on the ledge, nothing but air between me and the river, and all it would've taken was for me to let go of my grip on the railing, and that would've been it. But I chickened out and returned to the home that I had delicately arranged for those I'd leave in my wake, thinking I'd never step foot in it again, in defeat.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

You're not pathetic! Living is hard dying is even harder! Gun is a very cruel method - though it's fast and painless. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Don't be too hard to yourself now.

Imo there are other methods. With them it's easier to defeat SI.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

You're not pathetic! Living is hard dying is even harder! Gun is a very cruel method - though it's fast and painless. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Don't be too hard to yourself now.

Imo there are other methods. With them it's easier to defeat SI.

In a way it almost seems poetic that dying would be this difficult given how difficult life is lol, God's probably somewhere up there laughing at us

 

[asphyxiangel]

Imo there are other methods. With them it's easier to defeat SI.

which other methods would you recommend to defeat SI? for me it's mostly about ease of access. i know a lot of people talk about SN and such but it doesn't seem to be as attainable as using a gun that i already had beforehand, you know?

 

[Ash]

Take a look at the resource compilation thread

Suicide Resource Compilation

All the links to threads, videos, audio, downloads, and information found here are being made available only for educational purposes, and have been shared by users; we cannot assure the accuracy of the data. This means the way you use this data is fully your responsibility, that you need to...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[Praestat_Mori]

In a way it almost seems poetic that dying would be this difficult given how difficult life is lol, God's probably somewhere up there laughing at us

haha if "god" is like this it's truly a sadist!

which other methods would you recommend to defeat SI? for me it's mostly about ease of access. i know a lot of people talk about SN and such but it doesn't seem to be as attainable as using a gun that i already had beforehand, you know?

Well, my personal method is CO with charcoal - either in a small room or tent - that's literally going to sleep, CO itself won't cause you any Si reactions you might feel dizzy and sleepy and just pass out - depending on the concentration that takes less a few minutes. My other option would be OD as described in the PPeH - I would like to die in my bed while sleeping - peaceful and painless. I personally could never use a gun even if I had access to it.

 

[Forveleth]

I can't add much that hasn't been said above so I'll just put forth that I too have been on the precipice many times and have turned away. I crossed the threshold once but woke up, much to my dismay.

It is an incredibly difficult task to complete and there is no shame in not carrying through. Be gentle with yourself. Take some time to recover. Try again when you're ready.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Nonexistence is intense as fuck. A failed attempt by gun would leave catastrophic damage so it makes sense to be wary of that. It makes sense to be wary of all failure. Guns are quick and effective but sound very scary. Probably most gun suicides are completed when intoxicated or on a strong urge rather than going about it like a Roman stoic.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

has anyone else been in the position where they have gotten REALLY close to ctb but when the time came you just couldn't do it?

i just got home from my "attempt". i wrote a note, called someone to let them know my plans, and left a key under the doormat. i fed my cats and cried as i said goodbye to them and i walked to my secluded area with my gun. safety off, barrel in mouth, finger to the trigger. i was playing my favorite song and i was ready to go.
but i couldn't. why? it makes me feel pathetic to come home and think that all of that was just some dramatic theatrical "i'm gonna kms" moment

i fear not hitting the right spot needed to die. i've done so much research about where to aim, have the proper caliber and bullets for it to make an impact but the thought of flinching as i pull the trigger and then just being left paralyzed freaks me tf out.
i also fear the moments leading up to actually dying. realistically i know that it'll happen fast and i probably will be dead before i can even realize what's happening but the thought of laying there in agony potentially regretting my decision before death comes terrifies me
and don't even get me started on what comes after either bruh

pls share experiences or thoughts of wisdom :')

This is why I plan on combining using a shotgun with CO or SN.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Well, my personal method is CO with charcoal - either in a small room or tent - that's literally going to sleep, CO itself won't cause you any Si reactions you might feel dizzy and sleepy and just pass out - depending on the concentration that takes less a few minutes. My other option would be OD as described in the PPeH - I would like to die in my bed while sleeping - peaceful and painless. I personally could never use a gun even if I had access to it.

I've thought about charcoal too, it seems like a method that's very good if done right, but is hard to actually get right. Things are so safe nowadays that apparently you can't even get a tent that would properly seal you in anymore (and same deal with cars), so I don't even know where I would do it. Smoke from the charcoal also seems to be a frequent problem. Idk I've just seen a lot of failure threads with CO...

 

[cemetorium]

I've stood at cliffs meaning to jump but never was able to get over the fear. Most of my attempts were impulsive overdoses, so they felt less intense in the moment than my attempts that went nowhere, like all the times I've been meaning to jump or drown myself.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I've thought about charcoal too, it seems like a method that's very good if done right, but is hard to actually get right. Things are so safe nowadays that apparently you can't even get a tent that would properly seal you in anymore (and same deal with cars), so I don't even know where I would do it. Smoke from the charcoal also seems to be a frequent problem. Idk I've just seen a lot of failure threads with CO...

A tent setup could be tested, how fast CO builds up inside and for how long enough CO stays inside. A plastic cover over the whole setup could be an idea.

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

has anyone else been in the position where they have gotten REALLY close to ctb but when the time came you just couldn't do it?

i just got home from my "attempt". i wrote a note, called someone to let them know my plans, and left a key under the doormat. i fed my cats and cried as i said goodbye to them and i walked to my secluded area with my gun. safety off, barrel in mouth, finger to the trigger. i was playing my favorite song and i was ready to go.
but i couldn't. why? it makes me feel pathetic to come home and think that all of that was just some dramatic theatrical "i'm gonna kms" moment

i fear not hitting the right spot needed to die. i've done so much research about where to aim, have the proper caliber and bullets for it to make an impact but the thought of flinching as i pull the trigger and then just being left paralyzed freaks me tf out.
i also fear the moments leading up to actually dying. realistically i know that it'll happen fast and i probably will be dead before i can even realize what's happening but the thought of laying there in agony potentially regretting my decision before death comes terrifies me
and don't even get me started on what comes after either bruh

pls share experiences or thoughts of wisdom :')

Teenagers that just hang themselves in their closet are a different breed

 

[AlexYaBoy]

has anyone else been in the position where they have gotten REALLY close to ctb but when the time came you just couldn't do it?

i just got home from my "attempt". i wrote a note, called someone to let them know my plans, and left a key under the doormat. i fed my cats and cried as i said goodbye to them and i walked to my secluded area with my gun. safety off, barrel in mouth, finger to the trigger. i was playing my favorite song and i was ready to go.
but i couldn't. why? it makes me feel pathetic to come home and think that all of that was just some dramatic theatrical "i'm gonna kms" moment

i fear not hitting the right spot needed to die. i've done so much research about where to aim, have the proper caliber and bullets for it to make an impact but the thought of flinching as i pull the trigger and then just being left paralyzed freaks me tf out.
i also fear the moments leading up to actually dying. realistically i know that it'll happen fast and i probably will be dead before i can even realize what's happening but the thought of laying there in agony potentially regretting my decision before death comes terrifies me
and don't even get me started on what comes after either bruh

pls share experiences or thoughts of wisdom :')

Yeah, I can relate. Most can, I'm guessing. Switched between full-suspension and partial-suspension, many times. I can honestly say that full is the only method of hanging that would close my carotids in a relatively-short span of time. Had it all ready to go, including head in slipknot, and a calming atmosphere.

Had a thought along the lines of "What if my carotids don't close? Every second could feel like an hour in real-time." I hesitated for what must've been at least 5 minutes. Calmed down, stepped off, and backed away. I know, deep down, that my carotids would've closed very easily. All it takes is a single moment to prevent you from doing anything drastic.

Not today, boys.

 

[LetMeBeSad]

I have been there. I once called into work for a whole week and spent each day with a loaded shotgun just trying to summon up the balls to pull the trigger. I even smashed the stock on the ground while screaming down the barrel. As if a mechanical failure was somehow better than me just pulling the trigger. You're not alone.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

You're not dramatic or theatrical, like Ash said, your response is the most perfectly natural one. No one is programmed to easily accept morbidity, and it doesn't make your pain or struggles any less valid because you experienced a very normal human instinct of hesitating when one's survival is potentially compromised. Guns are not a surefire way out, and I think it is only natural to be wary of anything which has the potential for failure and unforeseen consequences.

I understand this same feeling far too well. My actual fatal flaw. I fasted for many hours and took all the prep for SN, the drug concoctions made me sick and made me second guess myself. Then I was caught and had to abort the attempt, which left me traumatized and (irrationally at times, I might add) perpetually afraid that someone is going to catch me or read my mind about what I'm planning for myself. I know for a fact that I want to die, but it is so insanely difficult to actually carry out.