I have various reasons for wanting to CTB but one of them is that I just can't imagine being happy with a 9-5 job which you require to function in the modern western society unless you're very lucky. During school the only thing that got me through the years (barely) was looking forward to summer time off and various holidays. It all felt like it was a Sisyphean cycle even as a kid. I would always dread Monday so much that my weekends were ruined by anticipatory stress. I just hated the idea of starting that cycle all over again. Freedom and free time is what makes me content and happy. Not having enough makes me miserable.
Work feels like school taken to an insane degree. I thought I would just have to grow up and I could get used to it. I thought getting paid would make it endurable. I was very wrong. I am able to live (albeit in poverty) due to disability support for my severe anxiety and depression. I tried to do something on my own to make money that I find to be my passion, but it doesn't seem like it will work out.
Depending on luck, you have to put an insane amount of time into just *getting* a job based on how someone else evaluates you in an interview. You could do all that work just to find out the work environment is horrible or that there is some other problem. After that you work 8 hours a day, but that doesn't include commute. Say it's 30 minutes both ways (if you're lucky), that's 9 hours a day. You have to spend time getting ready for work in the morning, so you are dedicating that time to work even when you aren't there. That's another 15-45 minutes depending on how quick you are.
Your first 9-10 hours in a day are given to work depending on your commute and morning routine, then you get home afterwards and are tired. You know it starts again the next day or on Monday. Not to mention you still have to take time to do chores and errands like getting groceries. If the people at work are dreadful to be around this constant drain on your mental health is exponentially higher. On top of that, your job probably won't have much meaning or enjoyment to it. Most people would quit their jobs and do something else with that time if they had financial security. Sure, you have weekends, but the knowledge that you start all over again on Monday feels horrid and can ruin that time off. Because of my anxiety, I was always worried about something going wrong at work which made the days feel even more torturous. I am very introverted and take a long time to feel comfortable around others. I dislike office politics and how people treat each other and myself.
It feels that you barely have any time for yourself and a lot of it is time where you're past your most energized state in the day and are more fatigued. To do this year round with barely any time off compared to school just feels like another Sisyphean cycle of misery and anxiety for 30+ years and I just can't do it. It takes away your most youthful and healthy years and only at the end when your body starts to grow old can you think about retiring.
How is a life like that worth living? I think there isn't much point to life, but if you can be content and avoid enough suffering, that's a good reason to stay alive and enjoy yourself while it lasts. I may as well end it all and save myself the struggle because I'll die in the end anyway. I dont see any path I can take to enjoy life enough to want to stick around.
On the other hand, I feel ashamed.
It looks so easy for other people. It makes me feel broken and inferior. I cant afford the things they can, I don't have the social life they do. "What do you do for a living" is such a common question in basic social interactions and I just feel humiliated when it's asked because I'm not like people who can manage that lifestyle. I don't see a point in trying to get a partner, why would anyone want to spend their life with someone who can't work / provide? I shy away from my friends because it seems that they are all thriving and doing so much better than I am and I feel too ashamed to face them. I feel pathetic when they talk about the things they do and have in life even though I like them as people.
I also feel ashamed because there are people who live in abject poverty without secure food or water and are suffering far more than me. There are other disabled people who manage to work as well. I've read comments here from people who have extremely painful living conditions due to their health issues. It feels like I'm ungrateful, spoiled, or demanding too much, but I can't choose to just feel okay about it all. Some people work 70+ hour work weeks and still manage to function. People in the past lived in even worse conditions, working brutal hours with low life expectancy, yet they somehow managed to do it.
Why can't I be as good? Why can't I be normal? Am I just too weak for modern life?
How do you feel about western work culture?
