woofwag
Bad dog
- Sep 17, 2025
- 463
Posting it here because I don't want recovery bs shoved down my throat right now
I have been very set on killing myself for a while now. Since last September. I ordered my SN and everything, wrote notes, been organizing my writing and documents, the whole nine yards. Only thing that's been keeping me is my promise to sew a plushie for my bestie and a petticoat for my close friend. But when you're really depressed, it's hard to make those steps.
I wanted more time, so I got a job to sustain myself. And I actually… like it? I am an in-home support professional for a disabled adult. I thought it would be way harder, but genuinely most of the day we chill. She watches TV, is very silly and playful, likes to help with chores, and is generally a homebody. Unfortunately, there are MAJOR problems with the company itself, and at some point I will absolutely be subjected to an aggressive behavior and may end up seriously injured. But I like her, and I like my coworkers, and I like that it (unexpectedly) is a very accommodating job for me physically.
It's weird, feeling a bit better mentally. I've been on a downward spiral for over a year and a half now since my system (DID) abandoned me and stuck me to perma front.
I know nobody can tell me how to feel about my life and its value. But now I can't decide whether it's better to put effort into this life or call it before I spiral again and get stuck like I always do. I still haven't technically finished college. I am still very under-read despite my major being creative writing. I am autistic, awkward, lazy, stupid, and constantly anxious/paranoid. I don't think I will ever be able to process my trauma or even accept that it actually happened.
In order to actually live, I would need to get a new therapist (my old one left me because I was too suicidal) or go into IOP again, finish college, fix my fucking car because I'm so bad at driving I fucked it up twice, get over my laziness somehow despite having it my entire life, get surgeries for my dysphoria, try to reconnect with my system despite failing at that for over a year and a half, and accept that in many ways, I will never be the person I wish I could be. Is it really worth it to try to pursue that when I could have a clean, permanent ending? I'm 23 and already fucked up my whole life. Idk if I can pick up the pieces. If anyone has input plz lmk
I have been very set on killing myself for a while now. Since last September. I ordered my SN and everything, wrote notes, been organizing my writing and documents, the whole nine yards. Only thing that's been keeping me is my promise to sew a plushie for my bestie and a petticoat for my close friend. But when you're really depressed, it's hard to make those steps.
I wanted more time, so I got a job to sustain myself. And I actually… like it? I am an in-home support professional for a disabled adult. I thought it would be way harder, but genuinely most of the day we chill. She watches TV, is very silly and playful, likes to help with chores, and is generally a homebody. Unfortunately, there are MAJOR problems with the company itself, and at some point I will absolutely be subjected to an aggressive behavior and may end up seriously injured. But I like her, and I like my coworkers, and I like that it (unexpectedly) is a very accommodating job for me physically.
It's weird, feeling a bit better mentally. I've been on a downward spiral for over a year and a half now since my system (DID) abandoned me and stuck me to perma front.
I know nobody can tell me how to feel about my life and its value. But now I can't decide whether it's better to put effort into this life or call it before I spiral again and get stuck like I always do. I still haven't technically finished college. I am still very under-read despite my major being creative writing. I am autistic, awkward, lazy, stupid, and constantly anxious/paranoid. I don't think I will ever be able to process my trauma or even accept that it actually happened.
In order to actually live, I would need to get a new therapist (my old one left me because I was too suicidal) or go into IOP again, finish college, fix my fucking car because I'm so bad at driving I fucked it up twice, get over my laziness somehow despite having it my entire life, get surgeries for my dysphoria, try to reconnect with my system despite failing at that for over a year and a half, and accept that in many ways, I will never be the person I wish I could be. Is it really worth it to try to pursue that when I could have a clean, permanent ending? I'm 23 and already fucked up my whole life. Idk if I can pick up the pieces. If anyone has input plz lmk
