_Vasa&Me_
Ritualizing myself to death
- Nov 27, 2025
- 64
I cant do it anymore, I am at my breaking point with this goddamn OCD. It's just far too intense now I cant do it, but I have to do it every, fucking, day. I want it to stop but I cant, I cant, I just cant.
Ever since around September of last year I have completely given in and it has destroyed me as a human being, consuming my life. I am literally slowly killing myself in regard to how detrimental it has become to my health. The rituals are longer, more intense, more complex, and are harder to "verify and complete".
I have become a complete ghoul from what I was in the past and look like a rotting corpse visually that has no energy to do anything. All the energy is consumed doing the rituals, which are done at a very horrible time which in turn does not let me properly recharge or even have the energy to do other rituals that must be done prior to doing actual activities and/or hobbies. I only have enough energy to do my one main ritual, which is done at night, which takes the duration of the entire night to complete (until around 6-7 AM) which I have been doing for almost a year now, everyday, not one day missed.
Due to this "unfortunate" schedule my sleep is extremely horrible, and I have to wake up at around 2-3 (maybe 4 if lucky) PM because if I do any longer it will be problematic with my parents. The 6-8 hours of sleep might seem pretty good on paper, but since the sun is already up when I go to bed it fucks it all up. I have a never ending hunger for sleep, I always wake up and want to sleep more, but I cant, so the rest of my day is spent fighting this desire of sleep until time for my ritual that takes the entire night comes up again and the day repeats. This is how it has been daily for the entire year now.
With this bad sleep, health-wise, everything else is affected as well. I feel trapped. No energy and severe fatigue throughout the day, added with the fact that I only eat 1-2 times a day (this is actually unrelated to OCD and a separate issue) that then just makes me incapable and weak. My immune system and overall system health is very weak, and that would be an understatement. Bruises for example take over a month to heal, my face, which used to be acne free just a few months ago now has at least 3-4 spots at all times, the face looks pale and dead, eyes are red and tired and so on. My system cannot keep up and is hurting itself severely.
Both due to the damaged health, fatigue and OCD that caused it all I cannot pursue my hobbies or interests let alone try to recover or leave the house, heck I cant even watch a movie or play a game, because everything requires a ritual for which I do not have the energy for. What then happens is everything around me feels wrong, disorganized, dirty, unchecked and just removes all the passion and joy from all my surroundings.
I have been trying to get something as simple as a haircut for over 1.5 years now but I can never do it, because I need to check literally every single haircut option for my head and also have my main ritual done and have energy, as otherwise it wont feel "right" when I am checking out the haircuts. Worst of all my dad has given me an ultimatum that I need to pick a haircut before the end of the month…
I hate this disorder so fucking much. I just want to be normal and have a single fucking day when I can do stuff just like everyone else and not have everything feel "wrong" unless I do these goddamn rituals…
Ever since around September of last year I have completely given in and it has destroyed me as a human being, consuming my life. I am literally slowly killing myself in regard to how detrimental it has become to my health. The rituals are longer, more intense, more complex, and are harder to "verify and complete".
I have become a complete ghoul from what I was in the past and look like a rotting corpse visually that has no energy to do anything. All the energy is consumed doing the rituals, which are done at a very horrible time which in turn does not let me properly recharge or even have the energy to do other rituals that must be done prior to doing actual activities and/or hobbies. I only have enough energy to do my one main ritual, which is done at night, which takes the duration of the entire night to complete (until around 6-7 AM) which I have been doing for almost a year now, everyday, not one day missed.
Due to this "unfortunate" schedule my sleep is extremely horrible, and I have to wake up at around 2-3 (maybe 4 if lucky) PM because if I do any longer it will be problematic with my parents. The 6-8 hours of sleep might seem pretty good on paper, but since the sun is already up when I go to bed it fucks it all up. I have a never ending hunger for sleep, I always wake up and want to sleep more, but I cant, so the rest of my day is spent fighting this desire of sleep until time for my ritual that takes the entire night comes up again and the day repeats. This is how it has been daily for the entire year now.
With this bad sleep, health-wise, everything else is affected as well. I feel trapped. No energy and severe fatigue throughout the day, added with the fact that I only eat 1-2 times a day (this is actually unrelated to OCD and a separate issue) that then just makes me incapable and weak. My immune system and overall system health is very weak, and that would be an understatement. Bruises for example take over a month to heal, my face, which used to be acne free just a few months ago now has at least 3-4 spots at all times, the face looks pale and dead, eyes are red and tired and so on. My system cannot keep up and is hurting itself severely.
Both due to the damaged health, fatigue and OCD that caused it all I cannot pursue my hobbies or interests let alone try to recover or leave the house, heck I cant even watch a movie or play a game, because everything requires a ritual for which I do not have the energy for. What then happens is everything around me feels wrong, disorganized, dirty, unchecked and just removes all the passion and joy from all my surroundings.
I have been trying to get something as simple as a haircut for over 1.5 years now but I can never do it, because I need to check literally every single haircut option for my head and also have my main ritual done and have energy, as otherwise it wont feel "right" when I am checking out the haircuts. Worst of all my dad has given me an ultimatum that I need to pick a haircut before the end of the month…
I hate this disorder so fucking much. I just want to be normal and have a single fucking day when I can do stuff just like everyone else and not have everything feel "wrong" unless I do these goddamn rituals…
