Discussion I can’t decide

[woofwag]

Posting it here because I don't want recovery bs shoved down my throat right now

I have been very set on killing myself for a while now. Since last September. I ordered my SN and everything, wrote notes, been organizing my writing and documents, the whole nine yards. Only thing that's been keeping me is my promise to sew a plushie for my bestie and a petticoat for my close friend. But when you're really depressed, it's hard to make those steps.

I wanted more time, so I got a job to sustain myself. And I actually… like it? I am an in-home support professional for a disabled adult. I thought it would be way harder, but genuinely most of the day we chill. She watches TV, is very silly and playful, likes to help with chores, and is generally a homebody. Unfortunately, there are MAJOR problems with the company itself, and at some point I will absolutely be subjected to an aggressive behavior and may end up seriously injured. But I like her, and I like my coworkers, and I like that it (unexpectedly) is a very accommodating job for me physically.

It's weird, feeling a bit better mentally. I've been on a downward spiral for over a year and a half now since my system (DID) abandoned me and stuck me to perma front.

I know nobody can tell me how to feel about my life and its value. But now I can't decide whether it's better to put effort into this life or call it before I spiral again and get stuck like I always do. I still haven't technically finished college. I am still very under-read despite my major being creative writing. I am autistic, awkward, lazy, stupid, and constantly anxious/paranoid. I don't think I will ever be able to process my trauma or even accept that it actually happened.

In order to actually live, I would need to get a new therapist (my old one left me because I was too suicidal) or go into IOP again, finish college, fix my fucking car because I'm so bad at driving I fucked it up twice, get over my laziness somehow despite having it my entire life, get surgeries for my dysphoria, try to reconnect with my system despite failing at that for over a year and a half, and accept that in many ways, I will never be the person I wish I could be. Is it really worth it to try to pursue that when I could have a clean, permanent ending? I'm 23 and already fucked up my whole life. Idk if I can pick up the pieces. If anyone has input plz lmk

 

[tonicer]

For being that extremely young you already experienced a lot of things i haven't and i am almost twice your age. I think it's pretty impressive that you are still alive with all that mess. I think given how strong you are you have a good chance of picking up the pieces and try a reset. When i was your age i could barely manage my studies and the thought of getting a job was enough to break me completely.

 

[woofwag]

For being that extremely young you already experienced a lot of things i haven't and i am almost twice your age. I think it's pretty impressive that you are still alive with all that mess. I think given how strong you are you have a good chance of picking up the pieces and try a reset. When i was your age i could barely manage my studies and the thought of getting a job was enough to break me completely.

Maybe… I just worry if I even want to at this point either. I don't know how much more I can realistically take. Like what if I get to be 70 and think that I regret all of it? I mean would you say it was worth it for you to keep living? I wonder how feasible it is for my situation to actually get "better"

 

[tonicer]

Maybe… I just worry if I even want to at this point either. I don't know how much more I can realistically take. Like what if I get to be 70 and think that I regret all of it? I mean would you say it was worth it for you to keep living? I wonder how feasible it is for my situation to actually get "better"

You're right, there is a limit to what one can take. I for example get rejected by one company after the other and i am at my breaking point. I might give up after the next rejection. The only reason why i think it could get better for you is because you are still so young. You can still make changes and might have a nice life while my window is quickly closing. I always wanted a girlfriend but now at 40+ most if not all women are in a relationship or even married so finding a lady my age that's still single is very very unlikely. Same with jobs, most companies want younger people. You have a chance at love and a career.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

If there's any uncertainty, choose the non-permanent option. If at some point you are 100% certain that your best option is to CTB, you can always do it then. Calling it at 23 seems pretty premature. No need to be in any rush, death will always be there if that's what you want, it isn't going anywhere.

You're right, there is a limit to what one can take. I for example get rejected by one company after the other and i am at my breaking point. I might give up after the next rejection. The only reason why i think it could get better for you is because you are still so young. You can still make changes and might have a nice life while my window is quickly closing. I always wanted a girlfriend but now at 40+ most if not all women are in a relationship or even married so finding a lady my age that's still single is very very unlikely.

Maybe, but 30's & 40's (and 50's) are when many women get divorced & are back on the market. Even elderly people living in old folks homes find gf's & bf's there, so it is never too late.

I wish I had my message feature already. You will regret living too long, I know this because God told me. Don't think I'm crazy sorry

That is psychosis. Sorry.

 

[woofwag]

You're right, there is a limit to what one can take. I for example get rejected by one company after the other and i am at my breaking point. I might give up after the next rejection. The only reason why i think it could get better for you is because you are still so young. You can still make changes and might have a nice life while my window is quickly closing. I always wanted a girlfriend but now at 40+ most if not all women are in a relationship or even married so finding a lady my age that's still single is very very unlikely. Same with jobs, most companies want younger people. You have a chance at love and a career.

I think the severity of my suicidal tendencies is one of the main problems sadly. I have these glimmers where I don't think about it, but it is far less frequent than my thoughts of ctb'ing. It's mostly through conversation or overstimulating myself with video games/shows at the same time that I get respite from it. And that's really no way to live, at least not to me. I used to have so many passions, but I can't pursue any of them now because of how bad it's gotten. All I feel is grief for my past self, and the overwhelming desire to kill the husk of me that I embody now.

Also, to (potentially) assuage your fears a bit: my mom ended up find a partner after divorcing her husband of 25 years when she is now 58 years old. People get together in nursing homes. There's always time to find someone. But I totally understand, the rejection is brutal. I relate a lot to how much it weighs on you.

If there's any uncertainty, choose the non-permanent option. If at some point you are 100% certain that your best option is to CTB, you can always do it then. Calling it at 23 seems pretty premature. No need to be in any rush, death will always be there if that's what you want, it isn't going anywhere.

I suppose I could wait for a bit. But honestly, it's mostly out of laziness for not finishing my prep. Although I also know that procrastinating it this much must reflect some small part of me that wants to put it off. We'll see.

I feel pretty old now considering my lack of achievements. And how lonely I've been. I never got to experience much of the world due to my sheltered childhood and isolation tendencies because of my AVPD.

It's a bit ironic to me that laziness is keeping me alive. But admittedly I am looking forward to spending this paycheck I just got… maybe there's something worthwhile there? Even temporarily? (also sorry my replies are always so long. I'm a writer lol)

 

[tonicer]

I think the severity of my suicidal tendencies is one of the main problems sadly. I have these glimmers where I don't think about it, but it is far less frequent than my thoughts of ctb'ing. It's mostly through conversation or overstimulating myself with video games/shows at the same time that I get respite from it. And that's really no way to live, at least not to me. I used to have so many passions, but I can't pursue any of them now because of how bad it's gotten. All I feel is grief for my past self, and the overwhelming desire to kill the husk of me that I embody now.

Also, to (potentially) assuage your fears a bit: my mom ended up find a partner after divorcing her husband of 25 years when she is now 58 years old. People get together in nursing homes. There's always time to find someone. But I totally understand, the rejection is brutal. I relate a lot to how much it weighs on you.

I never actually got rejected because i was never brave or clear of mind enough to ask a girl or a woman out after i turned 18. I got hit on by a few women in the last 2 decades but i was so flabbergasted that i froze up and ended up just walking away.

 

[woofwag]

I never actually got rejected because i was never brave or clear of mind enough to ask a girl or a woman out after i turned 18. I got hit on by a few women in the last 2 decades but i was so flabbergasted that i froze up and ended up just walking away.

Ohhh ok I see... I mean, I think I could say the same thing then, that being 18 was pretty early to call it quits on trying? I didn't even have sex until I was 20 and I had actively been in over a year long relationships prior to that. I definitely think you could find someone with enough dedication. I get it though, it's super hard to put yourself out there. I'm struggling with that right now myself tbh. There was a cool event tonight I wanted to go to but... I didn't. Whatever. Anyway, I don't think it's too late for you or anything. Even if I think it's "too late" for me myself lol (although in fairness, not in a relationship way, just a getting better kinda way).

 

[PanaxMan]

Posting it here because I don't want recovery bs shoved down my throat right now

I have been very set on killing myself for a while now. Since last September. I ordered my SN and everything, wrote notes, been organizing my writing and documents, the whole nine yards. Only thing that's been keeping me is my promise to sew a plushie for my bestie and a petticoat for my close friend. But when you're really depressed, it's hard to make those steps.

I wanted more time, so I got a job to sustain myself. And I actually… like it? I am an in-home support professional for a disabled adult. I thought it would be way harder, but genuinely most of the day we chill. She watches TV, is very silly and playful, likes to help with chores, and is generally a homebody. Unfortunately, there are MAJOR problems with the company itself, and at some point I will absolutely be subjected to an aggressive behavior and may end up seriously injured. But I like her, and I like my coworkers, and I like that it (unexpectedly) is a very accommodating job for me physically.

It's weird, feeling a bit better mentally. I've been on a downward spiral for over a year and a half now since my system (DID) abandoned me and stuck me to perma front.

I know nobody can tell me how to feel about my life and its value. But now I can't decide whether it's better to put effort into this life or call it before I spiral again and get stuck like I always do. I still haven't technically finished college. I am still very under-read despite my major being creative writing. I am autistic, awkward, lazy, stupid, and constantly anxious/paranoid. I don't think I will ever be able to process my trauma or even accept that it actually happened.

In order to actually live, I would need to get a new therapist (my old one left me because I was too suicidal) or go into IOP again, finish college, fix my fucking car because I'm so bad at driving I fucked it up twice, get over my laziness somehow despite having it my entire life, get surgeries for my dysphoria, try to reconnect with my system despite failing at that for over a year and a half, and accept that in many ways, I will never be the person I wish I could be. Is it really worth it to try to pursue that when I could have a clean, permanent ending? I'm 23 and already fucked up my whole life. Idk if I can pick up the pieces. If anyone has input plz lmk

Maybe my life circumstances will change cuz if they don't I'm 100 percent going out and getting on that bus