I an tap into other peoples happiness/emotion. Why can I tap into my own happiness?

[NZkiwi]

I work a variety of jobs that have genuine human emotion of hapiness that I feel for other people
Joy, releif, sadness,

While i can celebrate with them, for them
I can't seem to celebrate and feel my own emotions for my own internal experiences
Or as my pschyologist puts it, I am avoidenet/push away the feeling and I supress it

For that, it makes me a little sad and grief
How can I be present in other peoples lives but not my own

Probably why I don't mind killing myself, cause it's a bland life
Even if I objectively live a good life
It feels bland

Anyway, will work on it

anyone else here feel the sam





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Wrote more but it got deleted so that was the abridged version

 

[NZkiwi]

Just an update

tried to feel my own feelings alone and ended up trying to hang myself last night
shitty non method attempt with a belt and door knob too low
some tears but more really thinking my neck hurts and it still kinda does

probably need to plan my days more to body double with a friend to feel their feelings

sigh