Obviously, I have no idea if you're attractive or not, but I'd bet real money that you are not nearly as unattractive as you think you are. Few people are. I don't usually like throwing around terms like this, but it's a real cognitive distortion that many people suffer from. I definitely do.
But think about it. How many people do you see when you go out in public that really repulse you, based on looks? Do you think everyone around you is ugly and unlovable? I know I don't. At best, most people are just average to me, but that just means they don't have any qualities that immediately catch my eye. But I bet a majority of them think very poorly of themselves, too.
I totally get not wanting to have pictures taken and things like that. My family has almost no pictures of of me because I've always dodged them. But what about this? If you are so ugly, why would anyone want a picture or video or something to remember you by? Do you see ugly people and want their pictures to look back on?
You even said people don't see what you see. What if that means you don't look as bad as you feel? Maybe you're attractive to them? Compliments are hard to take if you don't believe them, but it's not really common to tell someone they're pretty if you don't think so. Maybe if they felt they had to, but if they volunteer it, it's probably at least somewhat true.
I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings, because it is a fact that you feel awful. But that's how these distortions work. Just because you think it doesn't make it true. The hardest part is figuring out what to do with that.
Some of the most beautiful girls I've ever met thought they were ugly. But when I met them, I was so jealous I didn't look like them. It's so funny how that works. (By the way, I think blue eyes and blonde hair is pretty boring. Be unique! You can do that now.)
Based on my own experience, though, I don't think you'd feel much better if you looked a different way or whatever. It's easy to be jealous and think things like, 'if I were prettier, life wouldn't suck... if I had sex, things would be awesome... a relationship would fix everything!" But the truth is, none of that probably will. Even when I have those things, I'm just as sad and empty and depressed, and I still want to die. Maybe they even make me feel worse, because I get horrible guilt at having things other people want but not enjoying them. I often wish I could gift other people parts of my life, because it's wasted on me.
I can get things I lust after, and I feel just as bad or worse despite them. I'm not just saying stuff. When there's a hole inside you, you tell yourself all these other things will fill it, but nothing ever does. And a lot of things people think will fix them can create more problems. It's the same for material things. When I feel the worst, I tend to buy tons of stuff, hoping it'll make me feel better. I get things I've wanted for years, and then it's just... pointless. I feel bad again after getting them, and it's so disappointing. I'm always chasing the next thing, hoping that'll be the thing to make me happy. It's hard to find the resources to maintain anything for long if you're struggling with yourself too.
