Venting I am afraid of dying but in so much pain living

[HaibaneRakka]

I have so much emotional pain and find it so hard to talk with those close to me about it. This week I have been breaking down crying alot and having issues breathing over panic/anxiety attacks. A person close to me saw this happening and I tried to confide in them and they broke down crying in a anxiety attack hearing it making me feel even worse. I dont feel anyone really understand me in life I feel so alone and like I dont belong in the world as it is, I hate getting older as I dont feel older. There is so much I could say on this but ive said it before in a recovery post recently. I worry I romantisize ctbing to much but I also understand why I want to do it and it makes sence. I am extremely afraid of not being able to breathe and it feels like most methods involve this happening which scares me even more. I dont think I have the courage to go through with a process that isnt near instant like the sheer anxiety and dread and panic and sadness I would feel waiting 20 min on SN would be unbearable and I dont even want to die. Its hard to explain for me I just wish I could transition between this life and what I percieve comes next or at the very least be happy and find peace. But I am not sure thats possible and any friends I do have keep getting upset at me for talking about this stuff. I just felt I had to get this out of my chest as I feel as if my time is coming but idk I wish I had people who loved me irl I wish I had someone who understands I could talk to with out judgement.

 

[RawRX3]

I get that lots. I spent so long hiding my mental health issues that it's hard to even know how to open up to people about them, particularly people irl. And the getting older but only in body sucks so much ;_;

I think about ctb lots but I really don't want to die, I like life but just not my life as much. But even still, I'd be nice to not suffer so much all the time, ya know?

Idk if I have any helpful words but I really get where you're coming from and wanted to at least let you know that
For what it's worth, we can suffer together at least <3

<3 Support <3

 

[HaibaneRakka]

You get it I dont feel like this is my life nor is this my world and idk if I wanna be here much longer but for now ima just keep exploring options on both sides

 

[RawRX3]

I feel that def

I've always felt like I belonged in liminal spaces or maybe in some different kind of world. Even still, I really do like a lot of this one even if I don't feel like I belong here.

And same. Trying my best to be here but it's not easy at all and hasn't gone supr well ^^"

 

[HaibaneRakka]

I have this feeling that when I die ill go to where I belong and because of that it pushes me to want to find out like there may not be a rush but its also like everything feels so wrong and living the way I need to feels impossible this isnt my world and leaving it feels really hard and painful