I am the worst case scenario

[Live_Life55]

I am the worst case scenario
Im suffering immensely from CPTSD Hyperarousal, near total Insomnia, BIND, Benzodiazepine brain injury and the most severe case of akathisia. My blood feels like it's on fire 20 hours a day and I pace around for 30 miles in my own house and it doesn't satisfy the inner restlessness and terror.

It's torture and pure agony and every day I pray God takes me.
Im looking into assisted suicide but it takes way too long for the pain I'm in and in Canada what I have is considered "mental" yet I feel like my bones and veins are on fire daily.

I sleep less than 2 hours a night of non restorative sleep and I'm genuinely suffering bevond most can comprehend.

PLEASE tell me how I can end this suffering. I've been reading about ways to do it but I genuinely don't know. A bottle of pentobarbital would be like a gift from the heavens above. All I think about all day is how to CTB but I can't make myself do anything gruesome. I'm so jealous of people dying of heart attacks and cancers. Why can't that be me??

I really wish I could get approved in Switzerland for their assisted dying program. ld pay in a heart beat yet my condition prevents me from even being able to leave the house. Let alone getting on a plane.

There are no meds that work and all of them have paradoxical effects on me. l'm stuck with this 24/7 indescribable physical and mental torture.

What can I do please help! DM me if you have answers

 

[wisdom]

I´m sorry for your problems, I dont really have any advice but I wish you the best

 

[lg2903]

How are you now? How long has this been going on? What caused akathisia? How old are you? I am in a similar situation tho due to Abilify not benzos. Nothing works for me either — reactions are paradoxical. Akathisia is tardive in my case. Drs say it will go away with time but it is excruciating, windows extremely rare.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Suicide Resource Compilation

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sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

it's the worst crime they made nembutal and assisting suicide a crime . people suffering extremely like u need a way to escape that continuous torture. those that made Nembutal a crime are everyone's torturers

 

[Live_Life55]

How are you now? How long has this been going on? What caused akathisia? How old are you? I am in a similar situation tho due to Abilify not benzos. Nothing works for me either — reactions are paradoxical. Akathisia is tardive in my case. Drs say it will go away with time but it is excruciating, windows extremely rare.

Started taking Ativan in March after trauma from narcissist abuse. I was stuck in a hyper arousal state, developed cptsd and severe insomnia from it so started taking Ativan for rest. Big mistake. I already had a severly disregulated nervous system and the Ativan completely fried me. I took 25 mg from March to June and after the last dose everything changed. Severe paradoxical effect and akathisia developed. It comes and goes but it's the burning of the limbs that's horrible but even worse is the mental state. I state of perpetual terror and SI 24/7 like the worst kind of suffering any human could ever experience. Zero pleasure or joy in anything. The only thing that brings me relief is thinking of ways to CTB

it's the worst crime they made nembutal and assisting suicide a crime . people suffering extremely like u need a way to escape that continuous torture. those that made Nembutal a crime are everyone's torturers

Id do anything for a bottle. I've looked into Switzerlands assisted suicide program but it's way to complex and my doctors won't even acknowledge that I'm in this much pain.

 

[lg2903]

Hi,
Thanks for describing. Akathisia is hell. Benzos are awful. I have been living in the same hell. Except I got mine from Abilify and will have a tough time getting off the stack of Benzos, gabapentin and more etc the drs gave me that don't work but I'm now adapted to. There is no horror like akathisia. I call 988 when I can't stand it at 3 am and tell them not to ask if I have a plan. Anyone with akathisia will get a plan. Because it's not possible to live with it. It's a cns injury.( also make sure to tell them I'm not acting on it now, it's a brain injury, blah blah blah. I accidentally ended up with cops at my door once. You do not want to go to the ER or psych floor with this. The drs will not recognize it.) anyway I have lost everything - job, friends, purpose, boyfriend, everything. I had a whole life. My life was not supposed to be this way.

Pardon if this next bit is inappropriate to say. There is a group of doctors and coaches and therapists who say that akathisia will go away. Maybe excruciatingly slowly. Brains heal. Even my akathisia is getting slightly better and I am a pretty bad case (older, got tardive from abilify, stabilizing only so so slowly) There are no good studies showing that it is permanent; although you probably feel like it is. Everyone with it feels it is permanent.

If you are in the US and have the means to talk to someone like Nicole Lamberson or Chris Paige they may be able to help you or point you in the right direction. Nicole pointed me to a psychiatrist who could help, for example. There is a group of these people out there — drs, therapists, coaches — who deprescribe and deal with harm caused by benzos and psychiatric drugs. It may be possible that you are not as stuck as it feels now. It might be worth reaching out (just google Nicole for example) before you make a final decision. Not telling you what to do, just I guess saying I understand the torture that is akathisia. There is nothing like it. There are people who survived it. There are people who do help. So far I'm still here tho no guarantees. It does have to start to get better or I will CTB.
Take care.
PS I find the akathisia alliance site extremely triggering. As well as the akathisia FB group. I just can't look at those
Yeah and the difficulty in CTBing — ridiculous. I can't think and follow a lot of complicated instructions for canisters of gasses and hoses or complex ways to hang yourself. I'm jumping if it comes to it off a 900 ft bridge. Or taking a whole lot of nortryptaline plus beta blockers and some other stuff - painful but will hope for the best.

 

[Live_Life55]

Hi,
Thanks for describing. Akathisia is hell. Benzos are awful. I have been living in the same hell. Except I got mine from Abilify and will have a tough time getting off the stack of Benzos, gabapentin and more etc the drs gave me that don't work but I'm now adapted to. There is no horror like akathisia. I call 988 when I can't stand it at 3 am and tell them not to ask if I have a plan. Anyone with akathisia will get a plan. Because it's not possible to live with it. It's a cns injury.( also make sure to tell them I'm not acting on it now, it's a brain injury, blah blah blah. I accidentally ended up with cops at my door once. You do not want to go to the ER or psych floor with this. The drs will not recognize it.) anyway I have lost everything - job, friends, purpose, boyfriend, everything. I had a whole life. My life was not supposed to be this way.

Pardon if this next bit is inappropriate to say. There is a group of doctors and coaches and therapists who say that akathisia will go away. Maybe excruciatingly slowly. Brains heal. Even my akathisia is getting slightly better and I am a pretty bad case (older, got tardive from abilify, stabilizing only so so slowly) There are no good studies showing that it is permanent; although you probably feel like it is. Everyone with it feels it is permanent.

If you are in the US and have the means to talk to someone like Nicole Lamberson or Chris Paige they may be able to help you or point you in the right direction. Nicole pointed me to a psychiatrist who could help, for example. There is a group of these people out there — drs, therapists, coaches — who deprescribe and deal with harm caused by benzos and psychiatric drugs. It may be possible that you are not as stuck as it feels now. It might be worth reaching out (just google Nicole for example) before you make a final decision. Not telling you what to do, just I guess saying I understand the torture that is akathisia. There is nothing like it. There are people who survived it. There are people who do help. So far I'm still here tho no guarantees. It does have to start to get better or I will CTB.
Take care.
PS I find the akathisia alliance site extremely triggering. As well as the akathisia FB group. I just can't look at those

Thanks. I got mine from benzos which apparently is the worst thing you can get it from. At least with anti psychotics or SSRIs they can treat it to some extent with benzos. But with benzo induced akathisia you're screwed. Since I have a CNS injury from protracted and kindling I have paradoxical reactions to all meds. Going to a ward would mean they'll force meds on me that make my situation a thousand times worse. I'm currently going through unimaginable hell. Its indescribable. Acute and protracted withdrawal, on top of severe kindling and CPTSD hyperarousal and near total insomnia for narcissist abuse that damaged my nervous system BEFORE any meds were taken. I am praying I get a heart attack soon or stage 4 cancer. Knowing that I can end it is the only time I get even a sliver of hope. The only problem is surviving the attempt which means psych ward which is a thousand times worse than death itself.