I am such a fucking loser

[Strawberry Moon]

I am 31. I have not achieved a single thing in my life. I've struggled with my mental health from the age of 7.

I still live at home with my parents, I have barely any income and I'm unable to hold a job for more than a few weeks because of my mental health issues/suspected autism. I'm useless.

My parents have emotionally abused me my entire life, however the sun shines out of my sisters ass. I have never been supported and have never felt loved by my family, just ridiculed and treated bad. I was abused as a child, my parents never took my side. My mother is a gambler, my father is an alcoholic. They aren't bad people but they are bad parents.

I was bullied throughout childhood. I've been in and out of therapy and psych wards from the age of 15. I have been diagnosed with a cocktail of mental illnesses and have been on every medication imaginable. Nothing works. Now my physical health is deteriorating.

I've lost all of my friends through no fault of my own. I was stripped of my social life 3 years ago, I never go out anymore because I have no one to go out with and I do not feel safe alone. I used to dabble in drugs, I was at my happiest then. If I knew how to use the dark web I'd most likely be an addict by now.

I have a boyfriend of 3 years who lies to me, manipulates me, cheats on me and is more interested in his social media presence than anything else. I'm scared to leave because he's all I have, when he's actually there, which is rare.

At the start of the year I found out that I'm pretty much infertile due to PCOS. Because I'm not useless enough as it is, now I will never have a family of my own. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. PCOS has also caused my hair to fall out and I find it impossible to lose weight. My confidence has been ruined and there's nothing I can do about it, it's irreversible and I can't afford weight loss surgery.

I'm obese, my body makes me feel sick. I truly am ugly and unloveable.

I have no friends, no life prospects, I'm struggling to find reasons to live. I isolate in my bedroom 95% of the time. I don't know how to socialise. I don't see a future. I'm such a fucking loser.

I haven't figured out my method yet or a date but Christmas Eve/day is screaming my name, probably because I know there will be another drama just like there is every year. Maybe this years drama will be me.

Just want to be gone.

 

[Some place nice]

I'm so sorry that you are suffering so badly. I wish there was something I could help with.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd just wish to be free from this existence, it really does sound like you've suffered so much. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Strawberry Moon]

I understand why you'd just wish to be free from this existence, it really does sound like you've suffered so much. But anyway I wish you the best.

Thank you

 

[illAF]

I'm truly sorry to read all of that.

I also feel like I'm a fucking looser. I have been in an out psychwards for 12 years now. Everytime I try to rebuilt my life, I relapse again. I also have been diagnosticed with a cocktail of psychhiatric diseases + my body is now completely failing me. I probably have a chronic fatigue syndrome, which is very deeply invalidating in everyday life. And not really recognized, even in the medical field. All my conditions are creating a fucking vicious circle. An explosive cocktail I cannot live with.

Four years ago, I still had the hope of building a future that I may like. But since my last relapse, I completely lost that hope. I think I will be ill all my life long and I will never be able to achieve anything.

To me, not being able to achieve anything is probably the worst thing. I started many things but it has always stopped due to my illnesses.

And now I live in traumas, pain and fear of suffering as I have suffered.

Don't have any kind of hope anymore.

So yeah, not that my message could help you in anyway, and I'm really sorry for that, but even though our life stories are not the same, I really do feel you <3

 

[Strawberry Moon]

I'm truly sorry to read all of that.

I also feel like I'm a fucking looser. I have been in an out psychwards for 12 years now. Everytime I try to rebuilt my life, I relapse again. I also have been diagnosticed with a cocktail of psychhiatric diseases + my body is now completely failing me. I probably have a chronic fatigue syndrome, which is very deeply invalidating in everyday life. And not really recognized, even in the medical field. All my conditions are creating a fucking vicious circle. An explosive cocktail I cannot live with.

Four years ago, I still had the hope of building a future that I may like. But since my last relapse, I completely lost that hope. I think I will be ill all my life long and I will never be able to achieve anything.

To me, not being able to achieve anything is probably the worst thing. I started many things but it has always stopped due to my illnesses.

And now I live in traumas, pain and fear of suffering as I have suffered.

Don't have any kind of hope anymore.

So yeah, not that my message could help you in anyway, and I'm really sorry for that, but even though our life stories are not the same, I really do feel you <3

I also feel like I have chronic fatigue. Doctors won't take me seriously, just immediately blame it on my weight. I feel lifeless almost all of the time. It's debilitating.

Thank you for sharing, it's weirdly comforting that we have similar issues regarding our mental/physical health. Sending love <3

 

[evrchanging]

this breaks my heart :( you seem like such a genuine sweet soul and if i knew you in person i'd definitely be there for you. i'm sorry about your family, remember that family isn't always blood, you have to find that through other people. are you able to get some kind of monthly income due to your mental health? i think that might be something to look into. i completely understand not being able to hold a job due to mental health, but there are remote jobs out there in the comfort of your own home, i can help you look for some if you're interested, that will probably help build up your confidence a bit too.

i am sorry about your boyfriend. he's not worth being with at all and recognizing his abuse is a step towards the right direction. i hope that you can break it off one day and realize that the people who have mistreated you don't deserve to have you in their life.

you've been through it and you're still going, you're such a strong person. i promise that even when you feel like nobody cares, there's still people like us thinking about you and wishing you the best. much love

 

[illAF]

I also feel like I have chronic fatigue. Doctors won't take me seriously, just immediately blame it on my weight. I feel lifeless almost all of the time. It's debilitating.

Thank you for sharing, it's weirdly comforting that we have similar issues regarding our mental/physical health. Sending love <3

It is very complicated to be taken seriously with the chronic fatigue syndrome. In my case, they all say it's because of my depression. But I'm not always in depression ! Even when I mentally feel good, I'm permanently exhausted. I don't have weight issues but I'm not surprised you're being gaslighted because of that, which is a fucking shame !
I'm sorry for you and I do really feal you. Sending you love too <3

 

[Strawberry Moon]

this breaks my heart :( you seem like such a genuine sweet soul and if i knew you in person i'd definitely be there for you. i'm sorry about your family, remember that family isn't always blood, you have to find that through other people. are you able to get some kind of monthly income due to your mental health? i think that might be something to look into. i completely understand not being able to hold a job due to mental health, but there are remote jobs out there in the comfort of your own home, i can help you look for some if you're interested, that will probably help build up your confidence a bit too.

i am sorry about your boyfriend. he's not worth being with at all and recognizing his abuse is a step towards the right direction. i hope that you can break it off one day and realize that the people who have mistreated you don't deserve to have you in their life.

you've been through it and you're still going, you're such a strong person. i promise that even when you feel like nobody cares, there's still people like us thinking about you and wishing you the best. much love

You're right about family not always being blood. If I change my mind and ever manage to get out of here I do not plan on knowing them any more. I do claim benefits for my mental health but it barely covers anything as most of it goes to my parents for "rent". I'm also so ashamed to receive government money because of the constant stigma around it and people playing the system. If you'd be able to help me with remote jobs that would be amazing, I've tried but have had no success.

Thank you for being so kind and thoughtful, you'd think I had just cut onions. Much love back to you <3

It is very complicated to be taken seriously with the chronic fatigue syndrome. In my case, they all say it's because of my depression. But I'm not always in depression ! Even when I mentally feel good, I'm permanently exhausted. I don't have weight issues but I'm not surprised you're being gaslighted because of that, which is a fucking shame !
I'm sorry for you and I do really feal you. Sending you love too <3

Right? My psychiatrist told me today that I'm tired because I don't do anything. I don't do anything because I'm almost always too exhausted to do anything. Invisible illnesses are the worst, I'm sorry you're being dismissed over it too :( <3

 

[mikan79]

reading this broke my heart because i can relate to soo much of it. I wish you all the best and im so sorry you feel this way.

 

[PixelPlant]

i'm so sorry that happened to you. i understand your pain. remember you're beautiful even if you don't think so.

sending virtual hugs

 

[illAF]

You're right about family not always being blood. If I change my mind and ever manage to get out of here I do not plan on knowing them any more. I do claim benefits for my mental health but it barely covers anything as most of it goes to my parents for "rent". I'm also so ashamed to receive government money because of the constant stigma around it and people playing the system. If you'd be able to help me with remote jobs that would be amazing, I've tried but have had no success.

Thank you for being so kind and thoughtful, you'd think I had just cut onions. Much love back to you <3

Right? My psychiatrist told me today that I'm tired because I don't do anything. I don't do anything because I'm almost always too exhausted to do anything. Invisible illnesses are the worst, I'm sorry you're being dismissed over it too :( <3

Yeah, invisible illnesses are the worst. And you add to that some comorbidities, the cocktail is not bearable...

 

[evrchanging]

You're right about family not always being blood. If I change my mind and ever manage to get out of here I do not plan on knowing them any more. I do claim benefits for my mental health but it barely covers anything as most of it goes to my parents for "rent". I'm also so ashamed to receive government money because of the constant stigma around it and people playing the system. If you'd be able to help me with remote jobs that would be amazing, I've tried but have had no success.

Thank you for being so kind and thoughtful, you'd think I had just cut onions. Much love back to you <3

government money is not a shame at all, i'm sorry your parents are taking it for rent. i wish you could get out of there asap.

have you tried indeed? i'd recommended applying for EVERY remote job on indeed regardless of how far it is because the interviews are always over the phone anyway. the way i land a lot of my jobs is by calling the employers and letting them know that i put in an application and would like to set up an interview. some employers don't check indeed so they won't get back to you unless you call and request an interview. also, if you didn't finish school, you can still lie about having a diploma as they don't background check for one and usually don't care anyway. you can also tell them about previous job histories regardless of whether you actually worked them or not, just sound confident and be prepared for questions they may ask. if you need some answers for interview questions/help with creating a realistic job history i'm always happy to help. it's how i've landed some pretty decent jobs.

i see that you live in the uk, so i'm not entirely sure what the laws are regarding fraud, but the way i pocket extra money is by using my credit card to buy something from the store. a couple hours later i pull money out the atm and then i call the bank to say that i lost the card after i made a purchase from the store, and that someone used my card to pull money out the atm. they will refund the money to your card for free while you get to keep the cash you pulled out. as long as the money being pulled is under $500, they won't investigate it, they make too much money and don't have the time. you can usually do this every couple of weeks but once a month is recommended so that it doesn't look suspicious. the worst that can happen is they catch on and lock your account which is unlikely. its a good way to save up some money especially in desperate times. i definitely would recommend some research about doing in the uk though because the money limit before investigation may be different.

sorry if this was long lol just wanted to offer options to you <3 i've been stuck before and it saddens me to see people in these situations. money is such a bullshit concept and i hate that we have to rely on it to get by. i hope this helps

 

[Strawberry Moon]

government money is not a shame at all, i'm sorry your parents are taking it for rent. i wish you could get out of there asap.

have you tried indeed? i'd recommended applying for EVERY remote job on indeed regardless of how far it is because the interviews are always over the phone anyway. the way i land a lot of my jobs is by calling the employers and letting them know that i put in an application and would like to set up an interview. some employers don't check indeed so they won't get back to you unless you call and request an interview. also, if you didn't finish school, you can still lie about having a diploma as they don't background check for one and usually don't care anyway. you can also tell them about previous job histories regardless of whether you actually worked them or not, just sound confident and be prepared for questions they may ask. if you need some answers for interview questions/help with creating a realistic job history i'm always happy to help. it's how i've landed some pretty decent jobs.

i see that you live in the uk, so i'm not entirely sure what the laws are regarding fraud, but the way i pocket extra money is by using my credit card to buy something from the store. a couple hours later i pull money out the atm and then i call the bank to say that i lost the card after i made a purchase from the store, and that someone used my card to pull money out the atm. they will refund the money to your card for free while you get to keep the cash you pulled out. as long as the money being pulled is under $500, they won't investigate it, they make too much money and don't have the time. you can usually do this every couple of weeks but once a month is recommended so that it doesn't look suspicious. the worst that can happen is they catch on and lock your account which is unlikely. its a good way to save up some money especially in desperate times. i definitely would recommend some research about doing in the uk though because the money limit before investigation may be different.

sorry if this was long lol just wanted to offer options to you <3 i've been stuck before and it saddens me to see people in these situations. money is such a bullshit concept and i hate that we have to rely on it to get by. i hope this helps

Thank you for being so wonderful and helpful!! I really appreciate it and you. I'll take a look at indeed tomorrow and see what I come across, it's almost 1am and I'm fading off lol.

Money wise I'm not in any debt or worries but it would be nice to have some extra money to buy myself some things I'm in dire need of. I'd rather have no money and pay my own rent than give it to my parents knowing they are wasting it on their endless addictions but hey ho.

Thanks again, your advice has given me hope for sure <3

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

I really feel for you.
I am a complete loser who cannot take revenge on my enemies. I used to be beautiful, but because of depression, c-ptsd I neglected myself. I had Anorexia, Orthorexia. It didn't harm me. I could return to Anorexia, Orthorexia in august, and start taking care of myself. But I ruined that too, my last chance. ruined because of my foolishness, inattention. I deserved to die.

i am sorry about your boyfriend. he's not worth being with at all and recognizing his abuse is a step towards the right direction. i hope that you can break it off one day and realize that the people who have mistreated you don't deserve to have you in their life.

you've been through it and you're still going, you're such a strong person. i promise that even when you feel like nobody cares, there's still people like us thinking about you and wishing you the best. much love

I agree with this statement.
It's better to be alone than with traitors, or with those who intentionally cause pain.

 

[hellispink]

you must become responsible of your own life. Set boundaries with others and yourself. Stop piying yourself and feeling sorry about what happened to you or how others treated you. You cant change it anymore. You cant leave to your toxic boyfriend the responsibility of improving you or your parents to understand you or to someone to care and love you. If you know something is harmful for you, put yourself first and walk away otherwise you just torturing yourself over and over. Not one gonna come and rescue you but yourself. If you change your surroundings, your mentality could change. Give yourself the chance to see if there is a better life for you out there. Surrounded by toxic people you cant see clearly your options. But for that you must want to change yourself. You are still young, take charge of your life. You must otherwise death is gonna come and take you over

 

[evrchanging]

Thank you for being so wonderful and helpful!! I really appreciate it and you. I'll take a look at indeed tomorrow and see what I come across, it's almost 1am and I'm fading off lol.

Money wise I'm not in any debt or worries but it would be nice to have some extra money to buy myself some things I'm in dire need of. I'd rather have no money and pay my own rent than give it to my parents knowing they are wasting it on their endless addictions but hey ho.

Thanks again, your advice has given me hope for sure <3

let me know how it goes! sleep well i am sending you the best of luck on a job search. we all go through different phases in life and just remember that this is a only temporary one, your entire life can change in a day and your actions can help get you through this phase.

 

[Strawberry Moon]

you must become responsible of your own life. Set boundaries with others and yourself. Stop piying yourself and feeling sorry about what happened to you or how others treated you. You cant change it anymore. You cant leave to your toxic boyfriend the responsibility of improving you or your parents to understand you or to someone to care and love you. If you know something is harmful for you, put yourself first and walk away otherwise you just torturing yourself over and over. Not one gonna come and rescue you but yourself. If you change your surroundings, your mentality could change. Give yourself the chance to see if there is a better life for you out there. Surrounded by toxic people you cant see clearly your options. But for that you must want to change yourself. You are still young, take charge of your life. You must otherwise death is gonna come and take you over

There isn't a better life for me, that was my whole point.