pax420
In the psycho shadow of the white right hand
- Jan 19, 2026
- 164
I'm back from the abyss with another confused rant. I've been on SASU for almost a year and once again I'm puzzled. Basically I lost my wife of 25 years, my house, my dogs, my vehicles, and everything I owned in about 18 months. My mental health was always off and went through addiction to most drugs. After she died about two years ago my health went very bad. Rather than end up with n a hospital or nursing home waiting to die and having to depend on other people to feed me, wipe my ass move me around, and bath me while on life support I would just go a head and ctb while I was still able. I had the place to do it, the method to do it, the supplies to do it, and the exact time and day figured out. I ended up having to postpone it for about a month and half but no problem right? Wrong!! My health got way worse again. Now I'm in afib all the time my heart rate stays above 120, I'm in stage four heart failure, and my hearts ef fraction is 10 percent. They gave me less than 6 months to live so now I'm laying around waiting and hoping I don't go on life support. I have a dnr signed and nobody is my power of attorney. Hopefully that works out good and one day I just peacefully die. One problem I'm going thru now is i'm fucking scared to death. When it was under my control I was good with it now I'm not. Now I'm looking for little signs of improvement and hoping I'm going to get a little better and not die. I found this site and you people and it was a godsend to me. I could say whatever I wanted to say and nobody looked down on me or judged me or made fun of i could actually be the real me, warts and all. For the first time in my life 56 years I belonged somewhere. I made a real good friend and got a lot of insight into my messed up brain. Thanks marquis rain and sadness and all the moderators who started and keep this place running and keeping it what it's supposed to be. My main problem is I don't feel right on here anymore because my views have changed and I'm not sure about ctb now. I feel like some kind of imposter or liar posting on here. If I'm not on here anymore that is what happened. I just wanted to say thanks to everybody on here. Thanks for being real, thanks for talking to me, thanks for reading my gibberish, thanks for the advice and insight. And most important thanks for the little likes and hugs sometimes that what got me thru a messed up day. I hope everybody gets whatever they want to make them happy and at peace.
