dragonofenvy
Mage
- Oct 8, 2023
- 562
I've felt subhuman for a long time. People have generally only interacted with me because they want something from me, not because of the person I am. I've had a couple of fleeting relationships with people that were genuine friendships, but they were short. Every other time it's purely a transactional relationship, they want a service from me and I allow them to have it thinking I'll be seen as a person if I appease them. I'm just being used.
A bit of context before I continue: I work a metal casting job. It's another shitty job in a string of shitty jobs I've worked but it's the best one so far. It's just me and my supervisor on my shift so I don't have to deal with tons of coworkers. I keep my head down, fill my quota, and go home all without having to speak a single word. Lonely, but it beats being berated like I was at my old jobs. My supervisor hates his job too so there's that. It's the same task each day making the same motions. It becomes a sweatshop throughout most of the year, getting up to 130+ degrees (54C) which is pretty brutal but in the autumn and winter it's fine. It's an easy job, and for what I do the pay is alright. Sure it isn't enough for total financial security but it's okay for now. It's just so boring, so pointless and meaningless. I've been making fucking cupholder frames for rich people's Teslas. Hundreds each day. Only cupholders for months. Does this sound like a meaningful and fulfilling career? I don't think it does.
Our plant manager had a big plant-wide meeting today since it's worldwide mental health day, and what better way to celebrate than to kick the meeting off than to tell us that we're still on a 32-hour schedule with possible future cuts. He then bragged that the company was still raking in millions and profits. Next up was the mental health stuff and how it was important to maintain because, and I'm not making this up "We want you here. You keep us going. We need you to take care of yourselves so you can keep coming in and keep up production because you're the reason we're still here." Then proceeded to tell us about a free app we can download that can help us with burnout. Workplace burnout is caused by… well, the workplace but I'm already closing in on essay length again so I won't go into it. He's just checking the boxes corporate tells him to. I guess I don't blame him.
My supervisor then asked at the end "What incentive do employees have to stay? We've already lost a lot of people. They're going to different jobs to get the 40 hours since they can't afford to work 32 and now we're looking at more cuts." To which my manager replied, "We're working on that, but we think that we're a good company and that people like it here enough and are loyal." He then went on to say "I want to work for you, I don't want you to work for me." and "I want everyone to have a voice and I will make sure you do." I wish the guy wouldn't spew stuff about how we're valued and actually do something to show that we are. Leaving a box of donuts every month in the cafeteria doesn't make me feel valuable, nor do your stupid meetings where you tell us how valuable we are because we made profits and NOT because our jobs add value to the world (they don't). Like what the hell kind of speech is this? Is my attitude just shit? Should I feel loyal and valued for doing a menial task for low pay?
I talked to a friend on discord about this, trying to phrase it in a light-hearted "haha my manager is out of touch lol" kind of way and the immediate response was "Either you need to learn to deal with your job and not complain about it or find another one." Gee, thanks. Strange how when he and the other people in my group talk about stuff way worse than that they're almost always supported within the hour, but if I do it this happens. A couple of hours later he sends me stuff about how he's progressing in his career and it's like fuck off dude I'm living in a satire skit this isn't possibly real no way you just did that.
I wasn't even mad at my manager, I'm mad at my friend for his dismissal It confirmed my suspicions that I'm not a person because nobody's treated me like one. I'm the guy who shows up and meets the quota, then I'm the guy who's the weirdo loner who makes weird but funny jokes and is amusing to push around. My discord group are the only people I have, and this is the way I'm treated. I can't even be seen as a normal person outside my soulless job. Despite this, I can't stay angry. I don't even know how I'm feeling about it a couple of hours later. I want to be pissed but I just feel nothing. It's probably the alexithymia.
I wished that on my way home that I got hit by a drunk driver or managed to have molten metal land on me while working. That's how shitty it feels. Ranting about it helped though. I'll probably just stay clear of my discord group until my bitterness towards them fades in a couple of days.
I wish I didn't rely on others for my self-worth, but I've felt worthless forever. It's the baseline for me, and I want to say that I'm a good person despite how others view me but I'm unable to see myself as such. What are you supposed to do? Does anyone else here feel similar?
Your whole life you're told you can be great, but what happens when you become a tool for everyone? What do you do when you're expected to just shut up and do your crappy job and not complain to anyone? What do you do when you're screaming in silence where letting out the smallest whimper makes others think you're a meek puppy without ever considering the amount of strength it takes to project the strength and dependability of a wolf day by day? I'm tired of putting on the facade. I'm tired of earning a pittance in soulless jobs for other's profits knowing that I won't ever earn enough to go back to college to have the opportunity to not be viewed as someone with such little value that they "deserve" a shit job and thereby the shit value society places on you. I wanted to work in computer science, but unfortunately, bad luck happened. I feel so much bitterness over it every damn day. Every time I wake up, and every night I try to sleep I torture myself with the thoughts that I could've been working a respected career that I enjoyed and paid decently. I think I'll have to learn to be content with I have. If only I knew how.
Sorry for the long post again, I'll try to keep them shorter in the future if I can. I spent two hours condensing it since it used to be 2,500 words and now it's half. I tried to focus purely on my job but ended up getting into other aspects. I've got a lot of stuff on my mind I guess. Maybe some of you like long posts idk. If you actually read through the whole thing thank you. I hope my experience was able to help you in some way or was relatable to you.
A bit of context before I continue: I work a metal casting job. It's another shitty job in a string of shitty jobs I've worked but it's the best one so far. It's just me and my supervisor on my shift so I don't have to deal with tons of coworkers. I keep my head down, fill my quota, and go home all without having to speak a single word. Lonely, but it beats being berated like I was at my old jobs. My supervisor hates his job too so there's that. It's the same task each day making the same motions. It becomes a sweatshop throughout most of the year, getting up to 130+ degrees (54C) which is pretty brutal but in the autumn and winter it's fine. It's an easy job, and for what I do the pay is alright. Sure it isn't enough for total financial security but it's okay for now. It's just so boring, so pointless and meaningless. I've been making fucking cupholder frames for rich people's Teslas. Hundreds each day. Only cupholders for months. Does this sound like a meaningful and fulfilling career? I don't think it does.
Our plant manager had a big plant-wide meeting today since it's worldwide mental health day, and what better way to celebrate than to kick the meeting off than to tell us that we're still on a 32-hour schedule with possible future cuts. He then bragged that the company was still raking in millions and profits. Next up was the mental health stuff and how it was important to maintain because, and I'm not making this up "We want you here. You keep us going. We need you to take care of yourselves so you can keep coming in and keep up production because you're the reason we're still here." Then proceeded to tell us about a free app we can download that can help us with burnout. Workplace burnout is caused by… well, the workplace but I'm already closing in on essay length again so I won't go into it. He's just checking the boxes corporate tells him to. I guess I don't blame him.
My supervisor then asked at the end "What incentive do employees have to stay? We've already lost a lot of people. They're going to different jobs to get the 40 hours since they can't afford to work 32 and now we're looking at more cuts." To which my manager replied, "We're working on that, but we think that we're a good company and that people like it here enough and are loyal." He then went on to say "I want to work for you, I don't want you to work for me." and "I want everyone to have a voice and I will make sure you do." I wish the guy wouldn't spew stuff about how we're valued and actually do something to show that we are. Leaving a box of donuts every month in the cafeteria doesn't make me feel valuable, nor do your stupid meetings where you tell us how valuable we are because we made profits and NOT because our jobs add value to the world (they don't). Like what the hell kind of speech is this? Is my attitude just shit? Should I feel loyal and valued for doing a menial task for low pay?
I talked to a friend on discord about this, trying to phrase it in a light-hearted "haha my manager is out of touch lol" kind of way and the immediate response was "Either you need to learn to deal with your job and not complain about it or find another one." Gee, thanks. Strange how when he and the other people in my group talk about stuff way worse than that they're almost always supported within the hour, but if I do it this happens. A couple of hours later he sends me stuff about how he's progressing in his career and it's like fuck off dude I'm living in a satire skit this isn't possibly real no way you just did that.
I wasn't even mad at my manager, I'm mad at my friend for his dismissal It confirmed my suspicions that I'm not a person because nobody's treated me like one. I'm the guy who shows up and meets the quota, then I'm the guy who's the weirdo loner who makes weird but funny jokes and is amusing to push around. My discord group are the only people I have, and this is the way I'm treated. I can't even be seen as a normal person outside my soulless job. Despite this, I can't stay angry. I don't even know how I'm feeling about it a couple of hours later. I want to be pissed but I just feel nothing. It's probably the alexithymia.
I wished that on my way home that I got hit by a drunk driver or managed to have molten metal land on me while working. That's how shitty it feels. Ranting about it helped though. I'll probably just stay clear of my discord group until my bitterness towards them fades in a couple of days.
I wish I didn't rely on others for my self-worth, but I've felt worthless forever. It's the baseline for me, and I want to say that I'm a good person despite how others view me but I'm unable to see myself as such. What are you supposed to do? Does anyone else here feel similar?
Your whole life you're told you can be great, but what happens when you become a tool for everyone? What do you do when you're expected to just shut up and do your crappy job and not complain to anyone? What do you do when you're screaming in silence where letting out the smallest whimper makes others think you're a meek puppy without ever considering the amount of strength it takes to project the strength and dependability of a wolf day by day? I'm tired of putting on the facade. I'm tired of earning a pittance in soulless jobs for other's profits knowing that I won't ever earn enough to go back to college to have the opportunity to not be viewed as someone with such little value that they "deserve" a shit job and thereby the shit value society places on you. I wanted to work in computer science, but unfortunately, bad luck happened. I feel so much bitterness over it every damn day. Every time I wake up, and every night I try to sleep I torture myself with the thoughts that I could've been working a respected career that I enjoyed and paid decently. I think I'll have to learn to be content with I have. If only I knew how.
Sorry for the long post again, I'll try to keep them shorter in the future if I can. I spent two hours condensing it since it used to be 2,500 words and now it's half. I tried to focus purely on my job but ended up getting into other aspects. I've got a lot of stuff on my mind I guess. Maybe some of you like long posts idk. If you actually read through the whole thing thank you. I hope my experience was able to help you in some way or was relatable to you.