ConfusedHurting2632
Student
- Dec 22, 2021
- 132
So I usually rarely post in the Recovery section of this site. I usually post in either Suicide Discussion or Offtopic. Suicide Discussion for especially heavy stuff, Offtopic for stuff that's slightly less heavy. But I usually don't post in Recovery because normally I don't believe things can get better, and I'm also really bad at taking any sort of advice. Even if it's my own advice. Taking any sort of advice feels like a chore. And when I'm feeling extremely down and hopeless, any sort of advice feels like basically just an insult to me. Like since even getting out of my bed in the first place (even if it's just to go to the bathroom or just to eat dinner and immediately lay back down) is already a massive challenge I can barely overcome, doing anything else just seems impossible, so any sort of advice feels like it's just mocking me.
But...the title kind of speaks for itself. Kindergarten through 12th grade were absolutely horrible for me. Literally all 13 years of K-12 education. Throughout these years I went from age 6 to age 18...I started Kindergarten at age 6, ended 12th grade at age 18. More specifically by the end of the year in 12th grade, by the time of the high school graduation I was almost 19 (only like a month or two off), but still 18. And today I'm 22 years old. So it's been about 4 or 3 years since my graduation. I'm not sure the specific details I'm mentioning even matter that much, but the main point, I was miserable throughout all of those years. I hated every single day. There were truly no good days. Only extremely shitty days and some slightly less shitty days.
What made those 13 school years so horrible? Well...a combination of things. The main thing was how the other students treated me. Because of how terribly the children and teenagers treated me throughout those years, even though I myself may be 22 years old today I've come to dislike children and teenagers in general every time I see them because I start to remember how bad the children and teenagers treated me when I was their age. Yes, I'm aware that some children and teenagers may be nice and kind, but they're certainly not the majority...not by a long shot. Children and teenagers "cute and innocent?" Yeah right...if anything they're the furthest thing from. I've read some stuff online about children and teenagers not having proper empathy formed till adulthood, and how they're basically psychopaths before hitting adulthood, and I'm inclined to believe that information based on my experiences.
Speaking of which, for my experiences with how the other students treated me...on a surface level it may not seem that bad, but for me, as someone who's always been extremely emotionally sensitive and most likely suffers from bipolar and borderline personality disorder, it certainly WAS that bad. Especially since it began from literally day 1 of kindergarten when I was 6, and carried on till my last day of 12th grade when I was 18. But basically the other kids would tease and mock me a lot, and just make fun of me in general. There MIGHT have been a FEW times where it was meant to be just playful banter, but for the vast majority of the time it certainly wasn't because they continued to make fun of me even after I made it clear to them I was upset. There were a few times where some of the other kids would physically attack me as well...this was much less frequent than the verbal bullying, but it happened a couple of times. Not anything super serious, but just general pushing, shoving, punching me really hard on the shoulder till bruises formed on my shoulder, punching me in the stomach, kicking me on the leg, trying to trip me, etc. So while nothing that resulted in serious injuries, I was still being physically assaulted. But even beyond that, even when I wasn't being made fun of or being physically attacked the other kids still didn't generally respect me or try to include me in things, and they would just kind of ignore me. Of course this was less bad in comparison to being made fun of or attacked, but it also wasn't too fun either.
Beyond how the other students treated me though...I just found school boring as fuck, and didn't like doing any of the assignments. While my grades were never horrible or anything (probably about average give or take) I struggled with the assignments because I had trouble concentrating on them and found them boring. The assignments weren't all necessarily THAT hard (though some were) but it was more just how never-ending it was: assignment after assignment, homework after homework, quiz after quiz, test after test, book after book, etc. Even if they were easy to moderate assignments it still stressed me out because of the sheer quantity of assignments. Studying and taking notes in class were also a pain in the ass for me. Add onto that how badly the other students treated me, and my extreme social anxiety and just general anxiety, it definitely made completing the assignments even harder. I didn't really find any class interesting either except for MAYBE drawing/art class, English/writing class, psychology class, and choir/singing class. And even with those classes I still didn't like the general school environment. The absolute worst classes for me were the AP classes...I did horrible in those, oh boy...I only took 4 total throughout all of high school, thank god, but they were painful...I tried taking 3 more extra AP classes, which would've made 7 total, but I dropped out of all 3 of them almost right away, and good call for me right there.
So we now know about my terrible experience with the other students, as well as about how I just didn't like the general school environment and the assignments...one last thing that probably needs to be mentioned...the teachers, admins, school staff in general, etc. Surprisingly they were okay for the most part! They were definitely the least horrible part about school. I hated the other students and the assignments, but the teachers were actually usually okay. Some were better than others, but yeah. They were generally pretty nice, respectful people. And in terms of teaching and explaining stuff, most of them did a decent job from what I could tell. I definitely did have a few horrible teachers...they were either rude/mean or just really bad at explaining stuff clearly, but luckily they were not the majority.
So there's that...luckily I'm 22 now and have been done with K-12 education for a few years now, so as far as that goes it's a relief.
However...does it get any better going forward? That's the real question I have here. I've read in many places online that as you get older and more mature things gradually become less and less stressful, and you're generally happier because you know how to cope with things in a better and more mature manner...however, is that actually true? I know that stuff that people spread around everywhere isn't always necessarily true. Even if the vast majority of people believe in that thing, it isn't always necessarily true.
Based on what I read, the brain doesn't fully develop until a certain age, and before that age life will be a lot harder, but after that age life will be a lot easier...different sources seem to have different numbers, but it seems that the general range is age 25 to age 30. So if that were the case I'd have have 3 to 8 years till life "gets easier"...which still seems way too fucking long, and I'm not sure I'm gonna survive until then, or if I'd even wanna survive until then.
As for what I'm doing currently at age 22, or what I've been doing since 12th grade ended when I was age 18...well nothing really. I haven't been working or studying or anything. Ever since I stopped doing anything I haven't gotten better, but I also haven't gotten worse for what it's worth. Throughout K-12 education I was basically getting even more and more depressed and suicidal each year that passed, while ever since school ended it's basically just kind of plateaued, not getting any better or worse. Which for me is actually a pretty good thing, for things to at least not get any worse.
As for any future plans...well I don't really have any. That's a huge reason why I'm on this suicide forum website. I still live with my parents, if it matters, and I have zero desire to ever be independent...it's just not something I care about in the slightest. And with all my mental illnesses living alone with no help can be extremely dangerous and risky for both me and everyone and anyone near me. I also don't care about working or going to college. I definitely didn't wanna go to college right away after completing K-12 education either, since I didn't want that painful slob of 13 years straight to become a painful slob of 17 or 18 years straight...and that's assuming we're talking normal 4 or 5 year colleges, it could certainly still be more. I have no plans of ever working or going to college, but IF I were to ever go to college, I'm glad I didn't go right away after the hell that was K-12 education, because without at least a break of a couple of years I would only break down even further being put in a stressful environment where I would be required to be super responsible and work very hard. As for work...IF I were to ever work, it would have to be a job where I work from home. I have way too much social anxiety, and just can't handle people. I'd literally just break down and panic. A remote job would at least be slightly less shitty.
But yeah...that's about it...K-12 education was horrible for me, but does it get any better going forward? That's about all I have to say, really...I should end this here...
But...the title kind of speaks for itself. Kindergarten through 12th grade were absolutely horrible for me. Literally all 13 years of K-12 education. Throughout these years I went from age 6 to age 18...I started Kindergarten at age 6, ended 12th grade at age 18. More specifically by the end of the year in 12th grade, by the time of the high school graduation I was almost 19 (only like a month or two off), but still 18. And today I'm 22 years old. So it's been about 4 or 3 years since my graduation. I'm not sure the specific details I'm mentioning even matter that much, but the main point, I was miserable throughout all of those years. I hated every single day. There were truly no good days. Only extremely shitty days and some slightly less shitty days.
What made those 13 school years so horrible? Well...a combination of things. The main thing was how the other students treated me. Because of how terribly the children and teenagers treated me throughout those years, even though I myself may be 22 years old today I've come to dislike children and teenagers in general every time I see them because I start to remember how bad the children and teenagers treated me when I was their age. Yes, I'm aware that some children and teenagers may be nice and kind, but they're certainly not the majority...not by a long shot. Children and teenagers "cute and innocent?" Yeah right...if anything they're the furthest thing from. I've read some stuff online about children and teenagers not having proper empathy formed till adulthood, and how they're basically psychopaths before hitting adulthood, and I'm inclined to believe that information based on my experiences.
Speaking of which, for my experiences with how the other students treated me...on a surface level it may not seem that bad, but for me, as someone who's always been extremely emotionally sensitive and most likely suffers from bipolar and borderline personality disorder, it certainly WAS that bad. Especially since it began from literally day 1 of kindergarten when I was 6, and carried on till my last day of 12th grade when I was 18. But basically the other kids would tease and mock me a lot, and just make fun of me in general. There MIGHT have been a FEW times where it was meant to be just playful banter, but for the vast majority of the time it certainly wasn't because they continued to make fun of me even after I made it clear to them I was upset. There were a few times where some of the other kids would physically attack me as well...this was much less frequent than the verbal bullying, but it happened a couple of times. Not anything super serious, but just general pushing, shoving, punching me really hard on the shoulder till bruises formed on my shoulder, punching me in the stomach, kicking me on the leg, trying to trip me, etc. So while nothing that resulted in serious injuries, I was still being physically assaulted. But even beyond that, even when I wasn't being made fun of or being physically attacked the other kids still didn't generally respect me or try to include me in things, and they would just kind of ignore me. Of course this was less bad in comparison to being made fun of or attacked, but it also wasn't too fun either.
Beyond how the other students treated me though...I just found school boring as fuck, and didn't like doing any of the assignments. While my grades were never horrible or anything (probably about average give or take) I struggled with the assignments because I had trouble concentrating on them and found them boring. The assignments weren't all necessarily THAT hard (though some were) but it was more just how never-ending it was: assignment after assignment, homework after homework, quiz after quiz, test after test, book after book, etc. Even if they were easy to moderate assignments it still stressed me out because of the sheer quantity of assignments. Studying and taking notes in class were also a pain in the ass for me. Add onto that how badly the other students treated me, and my extreme social anxiety and just general anxiety, it definitely made completing the assignments even harder. I didn't really find any class interesting either except for MAYBE drawing/art class, English/writing class, psychology class, and choir/singing class. And even with those classes I still didn't like the general school environment. The absolute worst classes for me were the AP classes...I did horrible in those, oh boy...I only took 4 total throughout all of high school, thank god, but they were painful...I tried taking 3 more extra AP classes, which would've made 7 total, but I dropped out of all 3 of them almost right away, and good call for me right there.
So we now know about my terrible experience with the other students, as well as about how I just didn't like the general school environment and the assignments...one last thing that probably needs to be mentioned...the teachers, admins, school staff in general, etc. Surprisingly they were okay for the most part! They were definitely the least horrible part about school. I hated the other students and the assignments, but the teachers were actually usually okay. Some were better than others, but yeah. They were generally pretty nice, respectful people. And in terms of teaching and explaining stuff, most of them did a decent job from what I could tell. I definitely did have a few horrible teachers...they were either rude/mean or just really bad at explaining stuff clearly, but luckily they were not the majority.
So there's that...luckily I'm 22 now and have been done with K-12 education for a few years now, so as far as that goes it's a relief.
However...does it get any better going forward? That's the real question I have here. I've read in many places online that as you get older and more mature things gradually become less and less stressful, and you're generally happier because you know how to cope with things in a better and more mature manner...however, is that actually true? I know that stuff that people spread around everywhere isn't always necessarily true. Even if the vast majority of people believe in that thing, it isn't always necessarily true.
Based on what I read, the brain doesn't fully develop until a certain age, and before that age life will be a lot harder, but after that age life will be a lot easier...different sources seem to have different numbers, but it seems that the general range is age 25 to age 30. So if that were the case I'd have have 3 to 8 years till life "gets easier"...which still seems way too fucking long, and I'm not sure I'm gonna survive until then, or if I'd even wanna survive until then.
As for what I'm doing currently at age 22, or what I've been doing since 12th grade ended when I was age 18...well nothing really. I haven't been working or studying or anything. Ever since I stopped doing anything I haven't gotten better, but I also haven't gotten worse for what it's worth. Throughout K-12 education I was basically getting even more and more depressed and suicidal each year that passed, while ever since school ended it's basically just kind of plateaued, not getting any better or worse. Which for me is actually a pretty good thing, for things to at least not get any worse.
As for any future plans...well I don't really have any. That's a huge reason why I'm on this suicide forum website. I still live with my parents, if it matters, and I have zero desire to ever be independent...it's just not something I care about in the slightest. And with all my mental illnesses living alone with no help can be extremely dangerous and risky for both me and everyone and anyone near me. I also don't care about working or going to college. I definitely didn't wanna go to college right away after completing K-12 education either, since I didn't want that painful slob of 13 years straight to become a painful slob of 17 or 18 years straight...and that's assuming we're talking normal 4 or 5 year colleges, it could certainly still be more. I have no plans of ever working or going to college, but IF I were to ever go to college, I'm glad I didn't go right away after the hell that was K-12 education, because without at least a break of a couple of years I would only break down even further being put in a stressful environment where I would be required to be super responsible and work very hard. As for work...IF I were to ever work, it would have to be a job where I work from home. I have way too much social anxiety, and just can't handle people. I'd literally just break down and panic. A remote job would at least be slightly less shitty.
But yeah...that's about it...K-12 education was horrible for me, but does it get any better going forward? That's about all I have to say, really...I should end this here...
