Help Desperate for advice. How do I work in kindergarten if I'm mentally unstable and unqualified?

[consider]

I'm 28y and after three years of cocooning, last month I got myself a part-time job as an assistant teacher in a kindergarten which works 1.5 hours a day on Tuesdays and Fridays. Before hiring me, my boss(who's the head teacher of a board games class) didn't care about my resume and what my name was(They still don't know even now.). I believe that was because I'm disposable.

My job is not complicated, but here are the troubles I've had:

1. I have c-ptsd which was from my abusive parents. When my boss raises their voice to a student, it triggers a freeze response and leaves me with a rapid heart rate throughout the class.

2. It's difficult for me to remember ANY children's names and faces(it got worse because there's a dress code for wearing masks.), even the sweetest ones, which could be due to dissociation or social anxiety, I'm not sure. This is the most severe problem during the work right now.

3. I don't have any professional background in early childhood education. I also don't know how to talk with children. Three-year-old children seemed fine with it but I think the six-year-old got very confused and disappointed when they talked to me.

4. I am very triggered when my boss shames the students who are crying. It will be like 'Everyone now watches who is crying! That's such an embarrassment! No one likes a kid who behaves like that.' and encourage other kids to laugh at them. That's my fault because I should comfort them but I don't know how to make them feel better.

5. I'm from a culture where people believe children should behave like dolls. I feel like I am shit every time teacher asks me who behaves the worst since the worst-behaved student will not get a small gift at the end of class and children see it as a very big deal. I truly think every child is doing their best already but my boss doesn't like that answer.

I know all the things I listed above should not be a problem for a mature adult but my family treated me like a shit so I became one and all I can blame is myself. I had no idea how trash I was until I got this job.

Therapy is not an option for me right now since I get paid $5/hour and only work three hours a week.

I already told my boss my concerns about being unqualified for children, which got ignored. They believe I can do my job well as time passes and they are planning to make me be the head teacher in the future due to a labor shortage. (I told them I was unwilling and got ignored again, but screw it, they can't force me to do it anyway.)

I plan to quit at the end of the semester. I wasn't aware the job involved so much interaction with children. I thought it was primarily physical work because I did a similar part-time job when I was a student.

I feel extremely suicidal after work because I failed the kids. and the feelings get worse and worse. I am about to have an emotional meltdown.

The only thing I have done is friendly to kids and praise their work.

There is no training about the job. all I have is to watch how my boss does in class.

I don't know how to find a practical guide to early childhood education like how to comfort children when they cry or how to deal with a fight between kids as an assistant teacher.

Any advice, any book or video recommendation is appreciated, now my top priority is to be a reliable adult for those kids until their summer vacation comes. I will get panic attacks after I post this because of my anxiety, once I get better I will come back if this post has a reply.

 

[SexyIncél]

I feel extremely suicidal after work because I failed the kids. and the feelings get worse and worse. I am about to have an emotional meltdown.

Yep, children are the most defenseless; thus most attacked

I don't know any practical guides on how to deal with (say) fights as an alienated teacher in hostile territory. This normally requires caretakers to sit together & figure it out from different perspectives. Conflicts are often important for kids to learn from — if success is just within their grasp

You'll basically have to make a ton of mistakes on them, as you experiment & think about the dynamics you saw

I do know some deschooling lit. Might help motivate you, to protect them from adults who mutilate their minds:

The most overwhelming reality of school is control. School controls the way you spend your time (what is life made of if not time?), how you behave, what you read, and to a large extent what you think. In school you can't control your own life. Outside of school you can, at least to the extent that your parents trust you to. "Comparing me to those who are conventionally schooled," writes twelve-year-old unschooler Colin Roch, "is like comparing the freedoms of a wild stallion to those of cattle in a feedlot."

The ultimate goal of this book is for you to start associating the concept of freedom with you, and to start wondering why you and your friends don't have much of it, and for you to move out of the busy prison into the meadows of life. There are lots of good reasons to quit school, but in my idealistic American mind, the pursuit of freedom encompasses most of them and outshines the others.

If you look at the history of "freedom," you notice that the most frightening thing about people who are not free is that they learn to take their bondage for granted, and to believe that this bondage is "normal" and natural.

— Grace Llewellyn in "Everywhere All the Time: A New Deschooling Reader"

You'll lose a lot, before you learn to win

 

[restless.dreams]

That sounds incredibly stressful! I'm not good with kids, but I have a family member who works with them, and I think the biggest thing to keep in mind is that they are little human beings (not dolls!). They want the same things we do: respect, connection, kindness, empathy. It sounds like you already recognize this and are doing the right thing by praising and encouraging them.

Please know that you are NOT failing these kids. The system is failing them by teaching them that crying is shameful (wtf) and that it's okay to be a bully. Maybe while you're there, you can be a positive influence for them. When you don't know what to say, you can just listen to them without judgement. It could make a real difference. Best of luck <3

 

[FujoshiNeet]

Hello! I work with young kids and have for years. They kinda ease the pain a lot. They are my socialization most days. Sometimes I may not identify them by face, but I sure as hell do know their attitude and behavioral patterns.
There are always dif kinds of schools and I'm sure you can find ones that are more suitable towards your needs.
Just remember, you don't have to be good with every kid. If you can manage to build a bond with just 1, that is amazing, and they will for sure remember it for their lives.

 

[oneeyed]

Sounds like your boss is the one that shouldn't be doing that job.

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

What country is this?

 

[EternalShore]

What parts of your boss's lesson do you help out with? :) Phonics? Just overseeing the kids and providing help as needed?
Whatever part you're engaged in is important to know for what you're going to do? :)
If you're just there for activity times, recess, lunch, and nap time, then it should be a fairly easy job! :) Just don't worry about anything~ hehe~