Hi everyone. New here, and obviously with any luck I won't be here long, but I felt like rambling a bit.
My parents were around 17 or 18 when I was born. When I was very young I was generally a pretty happy kid. I didn't have any steady friends though. I was nice enough and I didn't have a hard time making friends at first, but the issue was keeping them. My parents moved me around constantly. Between Kindergarten and 5th grade I attended four different schools and was even homeschooled for a year in 5th grade. I had been a little fight-prone in 4th grade and my mother had made friends with one of those religious weirdos from her church. Keep in mind this was a time before I had access to the internet, and way before you could reliably expect any of your friends to have it. There was a brief window between 2nd and 4th grade that I was able to make some neighborhood friends as we were in the same house for a number of years. We lived in a poor part of town at the time and they weren't the best influences but it was really the only point in my childhood where I had a real childhood.
I was interested in all the usual things that would help a kid make and keep friends: I wanted to do sports, martial arts, Scouts, it all just seemed fun to me. But my parents and grandparents always just said no. At one point in 5th grade they considered letting me do some weird religious version of Scouts but pulled me out early on when they realized it was going to end up costing a non-trivial amount of money for me to participate. It was always some money-related issue. There was also an element of control, I think. They wanted me around the house where they could keep an eye on me. Side note, I say "they" but it was mostly my mom making all these decisions as my dad was the only one who worked and was pretty hands-off and never had a strong opinion on anything. He didn't have a great childhood and didn't know how to raise a kid, neither of my parents did really, despite going on to have two more. Anyway, I quickly learned that repeatedly asking to do something wouldn't work, so generally I'd put forth the idea of wanting to do something, be told no, and then drop it. In retrospect this wasn't the greatest approach since it probably made me seem disinterested when I was really just trying to avoid conflict with my parents. They learned all they had to do was say no once, and I'd be out of their hair forever with it...
In 6th grade, I was put into a religious private school. I had to help pay for it myself too, by mowing lawns etc., your typical kid spending money stuff only it went to pay for my school. I was really not happy there because the kids were from all over the nearby area and it was basically impossible to meet up with any of them after school and do anything. My mom didn't drive, and my dad worked late and frankly they didn't want to bother driving me to friends houses. Plus, being a religious private school, most of their home lives were really boring and strict and frankly going to their homes was less fun than staying home by myself. And forget trying to get a girlfriend. You would get dragged into the principal's office is you so much as passed a note or gave a girl your home # and anyone got wind of it.
Around this same time, we got the internet at home. I already had a PC in my room because I had already taken an interest in computers, but I didn't spend too much time on it. With the internet, I had access to IRC, and within a few years, online games were taking off. This became my only real social connection so I spent a lot more time on it than I otherwise would have. I also started to lose interest in school. It was just too easy and there was no such thing as gifted classes in my private school, and neither my teachers nor my parents seemed to notice how bored I was. I went to school, watched the clock waiting for the day to be over, and then went back home and got back online where my friends and only fun activities were located. My parents liked it, because it kept me out of trouble and didn't cost them too much.
This is around the time my depression began, I think. The internet at the time was a constant flood of novelty and new and interesting things and it served to distract me from it. It was a low barrier to entry and ate a lot of time. This continued basically throughout my teen years. After high school, I would occasionally muster up the willpower to take some college courses. But I dipped in and out of college and didn't really take it seriously or have a career in mind. It was mostly to keep the family off my back and keep the student loan money coming in. A few times, I moved to other states thinking a fresh start would do me good. I would get jobs, and then in a few months lose interest in my them, lose interest in whoever I was dating, and just quit them and move back home. Early on during this time my parents divorced and my dad CTB. This had minimal impact on my life in practical terms, as we hadn't been close and I was an adult. My mother believed he likely suffered from some kind of schizophrenia adjacent illness based on the things he confided in her, though he never sought real help, only prayer.
That was my pattern up until about age 30. I eventually got my bachelor's degree. At around 30, my grandparents passed. I had been closer to them than I had been to my dad, so it was more sad, and in practical terms it had more impact because they were the ones who were there for me when I'd run into financial trouble or want to try to get my life on track. They weren't rich but they had both worked their whole lives and lived frugally. My mom at this point was permanently disabled and had no financial means to speak of.
We sold my grandparents home and I inherited some cash and a small rental property my grandparents had owned. I moved in along with my brothers, our mother came to live with us. At this point I was in my early 30s and really just had no interest in life anymore. Even the stuff I had been doing online all those years had become stale and meaningless, and I had zero interest in ever seeking out another romantic relationship.
My life has essentially been just a steady decline in the more than a decade since. Over my life I spent age in counselling and on various medications to try and help me salvage some of my life, but to no avail. My physical health declined as I did not take very good care of myself. If not for the rental property I inherited, I would have been homeless years ago. These days I can barely walk across the house and I sleep about 18-20 hours a day. I have just enough money to eat and keep the bare bones essentials of life like electricity, the internet, and phone. I don't have a working vehicle anymore. I definitely don't have the money to maintain my home and it's fallen badly into disrepair and become more a home for rats than it is for me.
Anyway, while I've long considered CTB, I always just kind of shuffled it to the back of my mind, figuring that one day I'd just wake up, realize I'd had enough, and go swing myself from a tree or something. Unfortunately that's just not how things worked out. Before I knew it, I was broke, had no prospects, and barely even had the energy to get out of bed, let alone trek to someplace I won't get found and hang myself. I no longer had any contacts for substances, and doctors simply don't prescribe anything anymore even if I did want to use my poor health to my advantage.
So now, I'm here with you all. I hope to find some peaceful dignified way out, and in the mean time maybe some kindred spirits who can understand the pain of a life wasted due to depression. Thanks for reading, friends.
My parents were around 17 or 18 when I was born. When I was very young I was generally a pretty happy kid. I didn't have any steady friends though. I was nice enough and I didn't have a hard time making friends at first, but the issue was keeping them. My parents moved me around constantly. Between Kindergarten and 5th grade I attended four different schools and was even homeschooled for a year in 5th grade. I had been a little fight-prone in 4th grade and my mother had made friends with one of those religious weirdos from her church. Keep in mind this was a time before I had access to the internet, and way before you could reliably expect any of your friends to have it. There was a brief window between 2nd and 4th grade that I was able to make some neighborhood friends as we were in the same house for a number of years. We lived in a poor part of town at the time and they weren't the best influences but it was really the only point in my childhood where I had a real childhood.
I was interested in all the usual things that would help a kid make and keep friends: I wanted to do sports, martial arts, Scouts, it all just seemed fun to me. But my parents and grandparents always just said no. At one point in 5th grade they considered letting me do some weird religious version of Scouts but pulled me out early on when they realized it was going to end up costing a non-trivial amount of money for me to participate. It was always some money-related issue. There was also an element of control, I think. They wanted me around the house where they could keep an eye on me. Side note, I say "they" but it was mostly my mom making all these decisions as my dad was the only one who worked and was pretty hands-off and never had a strong opinion on anything. He didn't have a great childhood and didn't know how to raise a kid, neither of my parents did really, despite going on to have two more. Anyway, I quickly learned that repeatedly asking to do something wouldn't work, so generally I'd put forth the idea of wanting to do something, be told no, and then drop it. In retrospect this wasn't the greatest approach since it probably made me seem disinterested when I was really just trying to avoid conflict with my parents. They learned all they had to do was say no once, and I'd be out of their hair forever with it...
In 6th grade, I was put into a religious private school. I had to help pay for it myself too, by mowing lawns etc., your typical kid spending money stuff only it went to pay for my school. I was really not happy there because the kids were from all over the nearby area and it was basically impossible to meet up with any of them after school and do anything. My mom didn't drive, and my dad worked late and frankly they didn't want to bother driving me to friends houses. Plus, being a religious private school, most of their home lives were really boring and strict and frankly going to their homes was less fun than staying home by myself. And forget trying to get a girlfriend. You would get dragged into the principal's office is you so much as passed a note or gave a girl your home # and anyone got wind of it.
Around this same time, we got the internet at home. I already had a PC in my room because I had already taken an interest in computers, but I didn't spend too much time on it. With the internet, I had access to IRC, and within a few years, online games were taking off. This became my only real social connection so I spent a lot more time on it than I otherwise would have. I also started to lose interest in school. It was just too easy and there was no such thing as gifted classes in my private school, and neither my teachers nor my parents seemed to notice how bored I was. I went to school, watched the clock waiting for the day to be over, and then went back home and got back online where my friends and only fun activities were located. My parents liked it, because it kept me out of trouble and didn't cost them too much.
This is around the time my depression began, I think. The internet at the time was a constant flood of novelty and new and interesting things and it served to distract me from it. It was a low barrier to entry and ate a lot of time. This continued basically throughout my teen years. After high school, I would occasionally muster up the willpower to take some college courses. But I dipped in and out of college and didn't really take it seriously or have a career in mind. It was mostly to keep the family off my back and keep the student loan money coming in. A few times, I moved to other states thinking a fresh start would do me good. I would get jobs, and then in a few months lose interest in my them, lose interest in whoever I was dating, and just quit them and move back home. Early on during this time my parents divorced and my dad CTB. This had minimal impact on my life in practical terms, as we hadn't been close and I was an adult. My mother believed he likely suffered from some kind of schizophrenia adjacent illness based on the things he confided in her, though he never sought real help, only prayer.
That was my pattern up until about age 30. I eventually got my bachelor's degree. At around 30, my grandparents passed. I had been closer to them than I had been to my dad, so it was more sad, and in practical terms it had more impact because they were the ones who were there for me when I'd run into financial trouble or want to try to get my life on track. They weren't rich but they had both worked their whole lives and lived frugally. My mom at this point was permanently disabled and had no financial means to speak of.
We sold my grandparents home and I inherited some cash and a small rental property my grandparents had owned. I moved in along with my brothers, our mother came to live with us. At this point I was in my early 30s and really just had no interest in life anymore. Even the stuff I had been doing online all those years had become stale and meaningless, and I had zero interest in ever seeking out another romantic relationship.
My life has essentially been just a steady decline in the more than a decade since. Over my life I spent age in counselling and on various medications to try and help me salvage some of my life, but to no avail. My physical health declined as I did not take very good care of myself. If not for the rental property I inherited, I would have been homeless years ago. These days I can barely walk across the house and I sleep about 18-20 hours a day. I have just enough money to eat and keep the bare bones essentials of life like electricity, the internet, and phone. I don't have a working vehicle anymore. I definitely don't have the money to maintain my home and it's fallen badly into disrepair and become more a home for rats than it is for me.
Anyway, while I've long considered CTB, I always just kind of shuffled it to the back of my mind, figuring that one day I'd just wake up, realize I'd had enough, and go swing myself from a tree or something. Unfortunately that's just not how things worked out. Before I knew it, I was broke, had no prospects, and barely even had the energy to get out of bed, let alone trek to someplace I won't get found and hang myself. I no longer had any contacts for substances, and doctors simply don't prescribe anything anymore even if I did want to use my poor health to my advantage.
So now, I'm here with you all. I hope to find some peaceful dignified way out, and in the mean time maybe some kindred spirits who can understand the pain of a life wasted due to depression. Thanks for reading, friends.
