NSFW torment / sa

[loslassen]

please Im kind of panicking, I was just mindlessly scrolling and I ran across a video of an adult swim series/episode that had references/implications to sa and the long term consequences on a person's psyche, specially for a woman with age regression.

it triggered me a lot, and my chest feels really heavy, I don't feel like crying physically I think I might've numbed it out, but I feel very tormented and I do want to cry about it.

I'm now 18 f, I think I've only briefly mentioned it in some vents here and there but since I was 6 until I was 12 I was sa'd on multiple occasions throughout many years by the same person who happened to be a little over my age, I confronted them about it with another adult present around a year ago but it concluded on them apologizing but we never talked about it really, just moved on and acted like it didn't ever happen. I don't know how to label them because i love them and I think is part of the reasons I am unable to heal, they often feel like a different person and like my perception of them divides them between who they were when they assaulted me to who they are now, i can't even refer to them with the proper pronouns or I'll get triggered. I feel so gross and disgusted with myself I don't know how to feel. It's just so painful.

I had an age regression phase where I surround myself with innocent things and activities but kind of grew out of it as I dealt with my issues and grew more mature but sometimes I will inevitably come back to it, but I will often feel a need or urge or feeling that preys on me that will make me want to repeat and taint or destroy that innocence by sexualizing it or including some of that in sexual acts with my partner… but then i will also want to be grown, I want to be a woman and prove myself a woman and be mature and display myself as such. I try not to make it since my partner is very loving and anything of that nature with him is beautiful to me, but personally, excluding him, sexuality is a torturous cycle of conflict gravitating between these two polars of wanting to be grown up yet being unable to and involuntarily brought back to a childish mentality… I don't think I'll heal anytime soon, if I happen to live on I don't want to have children and still deal with these issues.. I don't want to grow older and stay messed up, but it haunts me and I can't face it but I'm aware of it, it hurts so much… yes, I also feel like it's relevant because sa is one of the reasons I am suicidal… I often times feel I'd be better of dead than suffering still with the only thing that brings me relief(since I don't smoke, do drugs or stuff myself with chemicals other than the ones that come from myself) which is sexual gratification and my partner. God I feel so much pity for myself it's miserable.


I think that's also why I cope by relating to characters like her…

 

[Jiyuurakka]

That does remind me of Asuka. She does partly get her validation by behaving such a way to Kaji and a similarly Shinji, but I'd say most of her validation comes from piloting her Evangelion. I've never seen a case of hypersexuality in young girls before, it must be a cruel cycle of regression and confusion. I'm not sure if it persists beyond a certain age or just fizzles out. I hope that things go well for you.

 

[restless.dreams]

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. They say time heals all wounds, but I know that's not always the case. Is there something you can do to feel a bit better or distract yourself? It's okay to cry if you need to. I hope things get easier for you <3

 

[loslassen]

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. They say time heals all wounds, but I know that's not always the case. Is there something you can do to feel a bit better or distract yourself? It's okay to cry if you need to. I hope things get easier for you <3

I do distract myself often and cry a lot, but then I'll go weeks ignoring it or numbing it out just to rediscover it hurts and cry about it again, it unfortunately doesn't help long term, but thank you, I appreciate it :(

 

[maggotsfromjez]

was it that one episode of moral orel? i know you included a pic of asuka but the description of the episode made me think of that.
reading about how you as an 18 year old describe yourself as mature and wanting to be grown made me think a lot about myself at that age. i also suffered from CSA and although i'm a few years older than you, i also wanted to be seen as mature at 18. i think that your transition into adult life should be more slow and steady. it sounds like your partner is quite respectful and i definitely think you should talk to them about this because IRL support is always a lot more valuable than online support from a bunch of strangers. i hope and know you will find the peace that you need.

 

[loslassen]

was it that one episode of moral orel? i know you included a pic of asuka but the description of the episode made me think of that.
reading about how you as an 18 year old describe yourself as mature and wanting to be grown made me think a lot about myself at that age. i also suffered from CSA and although i'm a few years older than you, i also wanted to be seen as mature at 18. i think that your transition into adult life should be more slow and steady. it sounds like your partner is quite respectful and i definitely think you should talk to them about this because IRL support is always a lot more valuable than online support from a bunch of strangers. i hope and know you will find the peace that you need.

I don't think I've ever watched moral Orel, but if it goes around the topic you could use it as a reference, but yes, I'm pretty aware of that, doesn't make it less painful but I guess it's better to recognize why I am the way I am