Hello, new member. Thank you for this guide. I've made many many mistakes in my life leading up to this point. I suppose being born was my first one: to a teenager who didn't want me, adopted by rich people who wanted a doll and not an actual person. When I became a real human, despite years of abuse of every single sort, and left, I was disowned and disinherited. I moved to the other side of the world, and was left stuck, because I was diagnosed with genetic illnesses I never knew I had, (because my "parents" wouldn't take me to a doctor because then I would no longer be "perfect".)
I had two children, one who is in heaven, likely because of my own fault: my broken body from my illnesses. The other has her own problems: I had to take medications to get pregnant and stay pregnant which likely impacted her health. I am worthless. I am stuck here in a country I don't want to be in, I can't work, I am unable to contribute, my husband's company is going under and he will soon lose his job, I'm a shut in because this country isn't handicap accessible, and they don't have the medications or mental health care to treat myself or early intervention care and therapies for my child so….she has no future but maybe some factor job and disabled adult living facility, at best. I live in excruciating daily pain, so I have a ton of bennies, Xannies, muscle relaxants, and suffer from insomnia so I have pills for that too. I've tried to CTB by pills twice, with the last time involving anti depressants, and cutting, but both times failed. My doctor's reactions were literally: "Oh dear. Well. That is a problem isn't it? Hmmm. Have you considered in patient or a therapist for her? I know an English speaking one would be better but…" Like I said, care here is…um, non-existent at best? This country has one of the highest rates for CTB in the world.
I screwed up. I ruined everything. And all I had to do was exist. I should have listened to my "parents", shut up, been grateful, and never left my pretty little golden bird cage.
First world problems, though, I know. I'm sorry to complain everyone. Everyone knows I plan to do it and it's just a matter of when. Even my daughter knows. She's hardly stupid. She's been living with her grandparents for over a year because our financial situation is so bad and my physical and mental health is so bad. We'd tried so hard to move back to my country and better things but we've finally had to admit recently that the hope my husband had let dangle in front of my face that suuuuuuure we can move was slim, at best, and is actually never going to happen, despite the paperwork already being turned in. My "parents" could fix it all, but instead rubbed their millions in our faces and laughed. When I said I guess I have no choice but to give in, they said cool, do it then, bye.
When I say no one cares, I mean it. Even my own child is pacified easily by the promise of a baked goods and a trip to the arcade. Maybe my husband will care. Maybe. But he will be too busy with the child and work, as usual. It will pass quickly, as all things do, for him.
My Plan:
I'm thinking a necktie, and then either a locked doorknob, or the metal security bar on the door, after taking a bunch of my pills to help me go to sleep and go limp, to do a partial. We also have alcohol in the house. I'll be home alone for hours. I'll do a test using my arm in the necktie and try dangling with my weight to see if it all holds. If not, I think I can buy a soft rope from the store, maybe. It's just finding a good spot. Wardrobes here don't often have hanging rods for clothes.
If you've read this, thanks. Your tips, your stories, your advice, have all been so helpful. I wish you all the greatest peace and luck in either your efforts to move forward and find sleep, or healing.