Discussion how to go back?

[iamnotokaywiththis]

has anyone else gone through the same experience as me?
a few months (undisclosed full amount) ago, i tried to cbt- i attempted it using a p*ll method and it ended up with me in hospital for a few days while they pumped the chemicals out of my system. in the immediate aftermath, i 'regretted' my actions- i was so pressured by medical professionals and my parents to say that i was sorry for what i had done, that i just accepted their truth. now, however, it is so difficult to go back to normal life. everyone thinks i'm normal because i am very good at hiding it. but all the bad thoughts are bubbling away under the surface. does anyone have any advice to get them to go away? or is cbt again the best option for me?

 

[lilacphobic]

I hope suggesting therapy isn't offensive, but you really should give it a try if you never have. Personally, i dont believe in therapy, i prefer chatting with character AI's instead lol, but it Can work for some people. if not, you can try making online friends who get what you're going through. attempting again is obviously not an option. you seem like you Want to give life a try again, so you definitely should. intrusive thoughts are really difficult to deal with and it kind of depends on the person. distractions work for me. try discovering some new shows or something, i can give you some recommendations if you'd like. just... hang onto life. it's been over a year since my own last attempt, and i've gotten so close to attempting again so many times, but when the wave passes again i feel proud of myself that i'm still here. it'll always be a phase of ups and downs, but that feeling of personal character growth is just so beautiful. its a long process, but its one thats definitely worth sticking around for, and you'll get to remind yourself of how far you've come when Those thoughts comes back.

 

[orca87]

has anyone else gone through the same experience as me?
a few months (undisclosed full amount) ago, i tried to cbt- i attempted it using a p*ll method and it ended up with me in hospital for a few days while they pumped the chemicals out of my system. in the immediate aftermath, i 'regretted' my actions- i was so pressured by medical professionals and my parents to say that i was sorry for what i had done, that i just accepted their truth. now, however, it is so difficult to go back to normal life. everyone thinks i'm normal because i am very good at hiding it. but all the bad thoughts are bubbling away under the surface. does anyone have any advice to get them to go away? or is cbt again the best option for me?

What are these bad thoughts? What is the pain that makes you suffer? Can be a lot of different things for individuals.

Figure that out first. Talking about that helps.

Then, ask yourself if there is something that gives you joy, something that would make your live a pleasure. Dream! Don't think about how realistic this dream is in that stage.

If and when you have found something, try finding out what would need to be done to achieve that dream. Ask yourself what's stopping you from taking actions.

If you have any doubt that ctb is the only choice, don't attempt.

If you go through all of these questions seriously and honestly, you'll find relief. Either by having a life that you enjoy or by finding the determination to ctb.

 

[iamnotokaywiththis]

I hope suggesting therapy isn't offensive, but you really should give it a try if you never have. Personally, i dont believe in therapy, i prefer chatting with character AI's instead lol, but it Can work for some people. if not, you can try making online friends who get what you're going through. attempting again is obviously not an option. you seem like you Want to give life a try again, so you definitely should. intrusive thoughts are really difficult to deal with and it kind of depends on the person. distractions work for me. try discovering some new shows or something, i can give you some recommendations if you'd like. just... hang onto life. it's been over a year since my own last attempt, and i've gotten so close to attempting again so many times, but when the wave passes again i feel proud of myself that i'm still here. it'll always be a phase of ups and downs, but that feeling of personal character growth is just so beautiful. its a long process, but its one thats definitely worth sticking around for, and you'll get to remind yourself of how far you've come when Those thoughts comes back.

i have gone through talking therapy and DBT and truthfully it hasn't made much of an impact on my state of mind. i know why i have these thoughts, but that doesn't make them go away. but thank you for your kind words

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Is there anyone you can be open with and be your authentic self?

 

[iamnotokaywiththis]

Is there anyone you can be open with and be your authentic self?

the short answer is no.
i have friends who i do talk to about my mental health, but if i really dove deep then i know they would be shocked or even scared of me. i don't want them to distance themselves from me, or worse, report me to my parents/professors. if my parents found out about my thoughts then i would probably just cbt- it's too painful to have them act 'concerned' about me.

 

[orca87]

the short answer is no.
i have friends who i do talk to about my mental health, but if i really dove deep then i know they would be shocked or even scared of me. i don't want them to distance themselves from me, or worse, report me to my parents/professors. if my parents found out about my thoughts then i would probably just cbt- it's too painful to have them act 'concerned' about me.

Sorry that you feel that lonely!

Try open up here if you can. Nobody will judge your feelings here.

Or, wait a day or two until you can send and receive private messages if you don't feel like having your thoughts discussed in the open.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

the short answer is no.
i have friends who i do talk to about my mental health, but if i really dove deep then i know they would be shocked or even scared of me. i don't want them to distance themselves from me, or worse, report me to my parents/professors. if my parents found out about my thoughts then i would probably just cbt- it's too painful to have them act 'concerned' about me.

Well it's good you have this space then. I know how tiring it is to put on a happy face. You don't deserve to suffer in silence.

 

[ThisIsLife]

everyone thinks i'm normal because i am very good at hiding it. but all the bad thoughts are bubbling away under the surface. does anyone have any advice to get them to go away? or is cbt again the best option for me?

You can't really get your thoughts go away, but no matter what you think, (fortunately) nobody can read your mind.
I think trying to hide it is nothing else than the feeling of guilt at work. That feeling emerges from giving too many fucks what people think, people general opinion on suicide being very bad, you consider yourself as "not normal".

Embrace your thoughts, accept them as they come, own them, even the intrusive ones. What only matters in the end is to be at peace with yourself and not depend on others to make your decisions.

 

[iamnotokaywiththis]

You can't really get your thoughts go away, but no matter what you think, (fortunately) nobody can read your mind.
I think trying to hide it is nothing else than the feeling of guilt at work. That feeling emerges from giving too many fucks what people think, people general opinion on suicide being very bad, you consider yourself as "not normal".

Embrace your thoughts, accept them as they come, own them, even the intrusive ones. What only matters in the end is to be at peace with yourself and not depend on others to make your decisions.

that's actually quite helpful. i'm definitely too caught up in what other people think, society etc. wouldn't the world be so much better if there was no judgement?

 

[orca87]

that's actually quite helpful. i'm definitely too caught up in what other people think, society etc. wouldn't the world be so much better if there was no judgement?

I don't think it would be better. I mean I feel you! I feel you so much! I have experienced a part of my life in which "complying" with that judgement actually was good for me. I got validation, and if I didn't, it motivated me to push forward. In fact, people were nice to me as much as they could — eventually, I failed them, anyway.

This judgement, this "conditional" love, all of this is what actually build up character, makes people unique, drives everything further. It's just for people like us that we don't fit there. It's on us.

I wish I could be the one I thought I have been. To me, that would be far, far better than expecting people to me non-judgemental. If that would be the case, I would just get comfortable with my situation being bound to my bed for weeks. And I hate it. But it's on me. Not on someone else

 

[TheSadStranger]

I don't have context of your life, but if have a choice to keep going I recommend that. I have already said my spiel many times before, but I'll say it again. Life is a gift regardless of how terrible it might seem (applies to most cases). I recommend trying to put the negative behind you and explore life with a clean slate. Pursue happiness regardless of if it's fruitful or not. Experience the spice of life. Not everyone gets a happy ending, but if you give up now you'll never find out. Try to look at life through a positive lense.

 

[orca87]

I don't have context of your life, but if have a choice to keep going I recommend that. I have already said my spiel many times before, but I'll say it again. Life is a gift regardless of how terrible it might seem (applies to most cases). I recommend trying to put the negative behind you and explore life with a clean slate. Pursue happiness regardless of if it's fruitful or not. Experience the spice of life. Not everyone gets a happy ending, but if you give up now you'll never find out. Try to look at life through a positive lense.

I cannot stop recommending it to most people.

I just can't follow this advice myself anymore. I have tried so hard, I truly believed what you have written. Countless times, I came one step ahead, just to lose everything again. I kept going, I tried again, failed again. The last couple of years I had a life that I never dared to dream of. And again, I lost it. This time I tried the hardest I ever tried. But I don't see the point anymore. If have lost everyone in my life. If I go now, I would not trap other people and fail them again. Sounds like the perfect point in time to stop trying: No obligations, no responsibilities, no hope…

 

[TheSadStranger]

I cannot stop recommending it to most people.

I just can't follow this advice myself anymore. I have tried so hard, I truly believed what you have written. Countless times, I came one step ahead, just to lose everything again. I kept going, I tried again, failed again. The last couple of years I had a life that I never dared to dream of. And again, I lost it. This time I tried the hardest I ever tried. But I don't see the point anymore. If have lost everyone in my life. If I go now, I would not trap other people and fail them again. Sounds like the perfect point in time to stop trying: No obligations, no responsibilities, no hope…

Well if you read my post you'll find we share these common similarities. I have suffered all of my life. I have only really been happy for a 9 month window in my life. The first dream I ever had was last year. I thought all of my suffering had finally paid off. I thought my pursuit of happiness finally bore fruit and I was ready to reap the reward for the rest of my life. Life had other plans. I had the rug pulled out from underneath me and my whole life came crashing down. To make matters worse I got a reality check. I was told I had 13 months left to live. After all the abuse, the heartbreak, the pain, this was my reward. The curtain closing on my play before it even began.

However not everyone's life is a Shakespearean tragedy like mine. Keep going until the curtain closes on you. I might be a bit of a hypocrite, but for me it's physically and emotionally excruciating for my conscious portion of my life. I don't mean to trauma dump or try to diminish anything you've been through, but I implore you to keep pursuing happiness while you have the choice. Try to find happiness.

 

[orca87]

Well if you read my post you'll find we share these common similarities. I have suffered all of my life. I have only really been happy for a 9 month window in my life. The first dream I ever had was last year. I thought all of my suffering had finally paid off. I thought my pursuit of happiness finally bore fruit and I was ready to reap the reward for the rest of my life. Life had other plans. I had the rug pulled out from underneath me and my whole life came crashing down. To make matters worse I got a reality check. I was told I had 13 months left to live. After all the abuse, the heartbreak, the pain, this was my reward. The curtain closing on my play before it even began.

I'm so sorry that you must endure the mental and physical pain. If you want to talk, feel free to DM me.

However not everyone's life is a Shakespearean tragedy like mine. Keep going until the curtain closes on you. I might be a bit of a hypocrite, but for me it's physically and emotionally excruciating for my conscious portion of my life. I don't mean to trauma dump or try to diminish anything you've been through, but I implore you to keep pursuing happiness while you have the choice. Try to find happiness.

My brain is exploding. I have never read something I can and simultaneously cannot relate to. You're right: That's the way to go. Probably the only one. And at the same time, trying is exhausting, and the possible reward is so unappealing.

 

[TheSadStranger]

I'm so sorry that you must endure the mental and physical pain. If you want to talk, feel free to DM me.


My brain is exploding. I have never read something I can and simultaneously cannot relate to. You're right: That's the way to go. Probably the only one. And at the same time, trying is exhausting, and the possible reward is so unappealing.

Thank you for taking the time to read that. I know trying is exhausting, but if it pays off you can look back and have a nice long laugh.

 

[orca87]

Thank you for taking the time to read that. I know trying is exhausting, but if it pays off you can look back and have a nice long laugh.

In a way, I envy your positivity.
I also see how people can perceive that as another meaningful phrase of "tomorrow will get better", but I just want to let you know that in my perception the way you convey it is thoughtful and not too delusional.

It's the "if" in your sentence that makes it realistic and meaningful. In the end, it's a decision: Not trying bears the risk of missing out on something – while trying bears the risk of continuous suffering. It's just reality. It's just life. For some, it turns out to be bad and some can cope with this fact better than others.

Thank you for spreading a spark of hope here!

 

[iamnotokaywiththis]

But I don't see the point anymore. If have lost everyone in my life. If I go now, I would not trap other people and fail them again. Sounds like the perfect point in time to stop trying: No obligations, no responsibilities, no hope…

this really resonates with me. it's like, you get to the point where you know that people wouldn't be torn up by you leaving the planet so what's the point of you staying? (i know that's a very flawed argument, but it's an interesting one). this also links to the idea of 'leaving something behind'- i feel like a lot of people don't want to cbt because they feel like they won't be remembered or they haven't done anything significant yet, which is weirdly counter-intuitive. like if you're so done with life, why are you still caring about the life you leave behind??