How to get the spark back

[NitrogenNightmare]

I got my nitrogen tank filled on Monday, and the hours leading up to it were the most excited I've been in a long time. I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve. At first, I was planning on using it as soon as I could and was excited about being gone. But over the course of the hours leading up to the trip to the welding store, it transitioned to an excitement to keep on living with my exit bag sitting in my closet. I was excited for the reason I was still alive to be "because I want to play Disco Elysium with my friend/crush" instead of "because I don't have a reliable way out."

Right before I got the tank filled, I had what I now know was a BPD crashout and started a relationship-ending fight with her over nothing. Now that we've both slept and had some space, we've patched things up. We're working on repairing our friendship, and I'm working on my CPTSD (the cause of the BPD crashouts) but that spark, that excitement, is gone.

I'm back to my usual ambivalence about life, with "gods it would be so lovely to not have to live with myself or go to work anymore" on one side of the scale and "if I CTB the five people I care about most will be devastated and my least favorite person will be indifferent to my death but happy to milk it for sympathy" on the other.

Any ideas how to get that spark back? Because it's a much more pleasant thing to live for than spite and obligation.

 

[Gloomic]

That spark or excitement to be alive tends to peak and fall as life moves on. Nobody consistently feels joy in living. Majority of life is dull. Although, people can find things they enjoy doing throughout the day to make up for the dread of living. Finding a hobby or learning something new, like finding a new game to play or learning to crochet. If someone is too exhausted to do those things, people stay grounded through low effort activities. For example, listening to music.