How to feel determined?

[pinapellicer]

I'm a person that wants to ctb, but having the desire to do it is different from having the motivation. How to build that motivation, instead of waiting around for it to build on it's own?
My SN is on it's way, i have metoclopramide. I'll soon will have eveything i need. I can rent a place to do it and not be bothered.
But how can i actually feel that determination to carry through with it? Those how attempted, how does that feel like? How did you get there? Did you do something to get yourself there, or was it just circumstances in your life that made you feel determined?
If someone is in the same situation as me, feel free to PM me.

 

[hurb]

I used to always tell myself im waiting for awful shit to happen to have enough impulse. But the more time goes by , the more it feels like some sort of coping mechanism to avoid doing it.
During my last attempt I tried to remember how hopeless Im, and that i cant bother to keep trying anymore. Basically, u have to actively fuel ur own despair. I was rdy but the partial hanging failed

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

I used to always tell myself im waiting for awful shit to happen to have enough impulse. But the more time goes by , the more it feels like some sort of coping mechanism to avoid doing it.
During my last attempt I tried to remember how hopeless Im, and that i cant bother to keep trying anymore. Basically, u have to actively fuel ur own despair. I was rdy but the partial hanging failed

"Fueling your own despair". I'm glad I'm not the only one who does that. When I started doing that, I was thinking I was just being dramatic and, like, trying to justify my suicidality. If that makes sense. Now, I realize it was about just waiting for that one final thing to push me over the edge.

 

[pinapellicer]

I used to always tell myself im waiting for awful shit to happen to have enough impulse. But the more time goes by , the more it feels like some sort of coping mechanism to avoid doing it.
During my last attempt I tried to remember how hopeless Im, and that i cant bother to keep trying anymore. Basically, u have to actively fuel ur own despair. I was rdy but the partial hanging failed

I want to do suicide because i'm disillusioned with life and hopeless about things getting better. There's this lazyness and boredom about me too. Philosophically i'm all for it.
Although they're bad, the level of distress these emotions cause is not that great.
Should i be trying to induce distress in myself? If so, how do i do that?
Or is it possible to ctb in a relatively calm state? Has anybody attempted while being calm? It seems like calmness and determination negate eachother.

"Fueling your own despair". I'm glad I'm not the only one who does that. When I started doing that, I was thinking I was just being dramatic and, like, trying to justify my suicidality. If that makes sense. Now, I realize it was about just waiting for that one final thing to push me over the edge.

How exactly did you fuel your own despair?

 

[Kayla]

If you aren't ready, then you aren't ready. Simple as that. You can't have regrets with sn because it doesn't leave room for regrets. Even if you seek help, you could still die.

 

[pinapellicer]

If you aren't ready, then you aren't ready. Simple as that. You can't have regrets with sn because it doesn't leave room for regrets. Even if you seek help, you could still die.

Regret wouldn't matter once the SN is in my system. I'm ok with that.

 

[Kayla]

Regret wouldn't matter once the SN is in my system. I'm ok with that.

You can have SN in your system and still have regrets about it if you aren't entirely ready lol

 

[pinapellicer]

You can have SN in your system and still have regrets about it if you aren't entirely ready lol

Yes, but it wouldn't matter by then if i have regrets. Only a few moments were i'm feeling regretful and then it would be over.

 

[etherealgoddess]

I'm a person that wants to ctb, but having the desire to do it is different from having the motivation. How to build that motivation, instead of waiting around for it to build on it's own?
My SN is on it's way, i have metoclopramide. I'll soon will have eveything i need. I can rent a place to do it and not be bothered.
But how can i actually feel that determination to carry through with it? Those how attempted, how does that feel like? How did you get there? Did you do something to get yourself there, or was it just circumstances in your life that made you feel determined?
If someone is in the same situation as me, feel free to PM me.

No. You should not be trying to alter your emotions. Your emotions are what you truly feel about the situation. If there is a strong part of you not wanting to CTB, that's your sign to not do it. You should not be ignoring your emotions. You are very disconnected from your emotions. Your emotions are the authentic YOU. At least this is my opinion.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

I want to do suicide because i'm disillusioned with life and hopeless about things getting better. There's this lazyness and boredom about me too. Philosophically i'm all for it.
Although they're bad, the level of distress these emotions cause is not that great.
Should i be trying to induce distress in myself? If so, how do i do that?
Or is it possible to ctb in a relatively calm state? Has anybody attempted while being calm? It seems like calmness and determination negate eachother.

How exactly did you fuel your own despair?

I began intentionally focusing much more on the negative side of things, trying to ignore anything positive, picking heated arguments with random people, etc. I just thought if I reached a new low, I could get the gonads to kill myself.

 

[pinapellicer]

I began intentionally focusing much more on the negative side of things, trying to ignore anything positive, picking heated arguments with random people, etc. I just thought if I reached a new low, I could get the gonads to kill myself.

And how is that going? Did you attempt?

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

And how is that going? Did you attempt?

I've made like three attempts in the last few days. Which is much closer than I had been. The only reason it failed is because I backed out at the last second. This last one though, I was actually blacked out for a second or two. Don't even know how I got out of position.

 

[pinapellicer]

No. You should not be trying to alter your emotions. Your emotions are what you truly feel about the situation. If there is a strong part of you not wanting to CTB, that's your sign to not do it. You should not be ignoring your emotions. You are very disconnected from your emotions. Your emotions are the authentic YOU. At least this is my opinion.

I appreciate that, you sound kind.