How to detach for a peaceful exit?

[m3nhera]

I don't want to become numb or anything, just at peace with leaving. I have a few months to mentally prepare. I don't want to look at my bf and be sad because I know I'll never see him again if I ctb. This and many other things stop me, but I know suicide is right for me.

I want to make things as easy as possible for myself since I've suffered enough already. I want to fully be at peace before I do it. I can't do that if I keep wondering "what if?" this and that, and thinking about never being able to see him again. It really upsets me.

I want to be able to still feel and enjoy the good moments and let go, instead of worrying about aftermath or what it'll be like once I'm dead.

Am I making a mistake? I'm such a sensitive/emotional person too, so this is really hard for me. I already miss him guys :(. I wish there was another way.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

You sound so uncertain. There's no hope that any of these "what if's" will ever happen? Why not? Why is there no other way?

 

[m3nhera]

You sound so uncertain. There's no hope that any of these "what if's" will ever happen? Why not? Why is there no other way?

It's something that's hard to explain. Maybe you already know what I mean if you're on this site in the first place. I'm uncertain because I always overthink and second-guess everything.

Suicide has always been the end to me, I just never knew when. I craved it before I even understood what it was. When I was really little I felt like I wanted to disappear but I thought we all lived till 110(I was just a kid lol I was stupid). I thought we had no choice in when we die.

Once I eventually learned that's not how it works, I've been wanting to kill myself ever since. I've had severe depression for most of my life.

It's never gotten better, and it never will. I like to blame my parents but sometimes I think even if I could move out now, my brain is sick. I cope by saying it'll all go away once I do, but that isn't true. Being conscious is extremely painful for me and I don't know why. Anesthesia was the only time I ever felt true peace. Sleep isn't the same, even if you're technically unconscious.

I wish I could die by anesthesia as it sounds peaceful. The time I got it was for wisdom tooth removal lol. I obviously can't get it now.

All of this is to say, this is the only way and I don't know what else to tell you. I wish this wasn't the case either.

I have a list of things I need to do before I die but I have no energy for any of it. I need to fully clean out my room before I leave for good. My closet is a MESS.