How to ctb when you deserve to die but have strong preservation instincts?

[mcclouds_ewe]

Does anybody else have this problem? I have access to N but for many months now have been unable to force myself to take it. I have criminal history and my conscience is eating at me and I know that I deserved to die many years ago. But my self-preservation instincts are very strong and I can't seem to make myself drink the N. How can I force myself to die when my body seems not to want to? Thank you

 

[davidtorez]

Does anybody else have this problem? I have access to N but for many months now have been unable to force myself to take it. I have criminal history and my conscience is eating at me and I know that I deserved to die many years ago. But my self-preservation instincts are very strong and I can't seem to make myself drink the N. How can I force myself to die when my body seems not to want to? Thank you

You've just described many , if not most of the members here facing this hurdle. How do we overcome SI? noone knows the answer. For me if I could get my hands on benzos I think it would help . But I wouldn't know for sure without trying it

 

[scottyy]

Idk. I previously thought the best way to ctb (for me) would have to be violent and quick. I was leaning towards hanging from a height with nothing to grab hold of, and jumping down with the knot infront (by my adams apple) as opposed to kicking a chair out from underneath or something, to hopefully break my neck. That way if SI kicks in it won't do anything. But I've been there before with the rope around my neck and it kicked in hard anyways and I climbed down. I think I was close at that time. Everything was wet from rain and I could've slipped on my way down. I think I was mostly testing out my method so that when the time does come that I'm sure I'm ready and want to do it, I knew I could go there and knew I could make the climb. But maybe if I were to follow through with it I should try to be empty minded and just do it without much thought.
I've also tested out using excercise bands. Idk I think that it's too slow of a method because once again, SI kicked in when it was tight and I began to feel hazy. So my new idea is to force myself to faint with it around my neck. But I still like the idea of jumping from the height because that way it wouldn't be family who finds me, it would be some poor soul going for a walk in the woods.