I have just turned 18 and I do not want to be around any longer. The worst part is that I am convinced it will not get better, because it has been getting worse since I was 13. I am so fcking scared to ctb, I dont even have access to a gun. I was considering overdosing with something like a food preservative, but I am terrified that I might fail and end up disabled or spend the rest of my life as a vegetable.
I feel extremely frustrated and furious whenever I see someone who is more genetically gifted than I am, more fortunate, has a girlfriend, is better looking and taller, and has a far better life than mine. I hate the world. I hate that I was born. I see no point living in this cruel world, because I know I will never experience what it truly means to feel confident in my body and my mind due to my genetics and mental health. I have tried to cope through hobbies, trying to find solutions and by finding something to keep myself around, but I genuinely do not love or like anyone, not even my parents or family. I only pretend to like them, otherwise my life would be even more miserable. I dont feel any emotions, just hopelessness, frustration, envy and anxiety.I want to experience life the way those lucky fuckers do, people who have everything a hundred times easier. I do not want to live with the constant awareness that I will never be enough for other people, especially for those I would like to love. I have been in this very negative state for more than 2 years straight. I cannot focus on anything; even when I have free time I am unable to do anything. I used to come home from school, lie down and stare at the ceiling for hours until it was time to go to sleep, trying to decide whether I should commit or not. Finally i tried to cut my wrist, but after few minutes i realised i wont reach the artery. I feel terrible even when I go outside and walk through the streets, passing other people, always feel extremely stressed. I will never be at the top, and that is determined by my genes. I cant live with that. I lost all hope. I just want to die
Does anybody can give me some advice or example on how to ctb safely at least for the future so i can have a plan b if its get worse?
I feel extremely frustrated and furious whenever I see someone who is more genetically gifted than I am, more fortunate, has a girlfriend, is better looking and taller, and has a far better life than mine. I hate the world. I hate that I was born. I see no point living in this cruel world, because I know I will never experience what it truly means to feel confident in my body and my mind due to my genetics and mental health. I have tried to cope through hobbies, trying to find solutions and by finding something to keep myself around, but I genuinely do not love or like anyone, not even my parents or family. I only pretend to like them, otherwise my life would be even more miserable. I dont feel any emotions, just hopelessness, frustration, envy and anxiety.I want to experience life the way those lucky fuckers do, people who have everything a hundred times easier. I do not want to live with the constant awareness that I will never be enough for other people, especially for those I would like to love. I have been in this very negative state for more than 2 years straight. I cannot focus on anything; even when I have free time I am unable to do anything. I used to come home from school, lie down and stare at the ceiling for hours until it was time to go to sleep, trying to decide whether I should commit or not. Finally i tried to cut my wrist, but after few minutes i realised i wont reach the artery. I feel terrible even when I go outside and walk through the streets, passing other people, always feel extremely stressed. I will never be at the top, and that is determined by my genes. I cant live with that. I lost all hope. I just want to die
Does anybody can give me some advice or example on how to ctb safely at least for the future so i can have a plan b if its get worse?
