Discussion How old are you and how long have you been depressed or suicidal?

[MissBlack000]

I'm 31, first ideation was when i was around 8, with ups and downs since then, but i've never seen real good times and goes worse with time. In retrospect, it's a very long and heartbreaking way. Being suicidal for long times it isn't life.

Yes I am in my mid 40s and my first ideations began at 8. I am medicated. Which keeps me largely from having ideations except around ovulation and pre-menstrual they come up too. I am very introverted and spend most of my time with my pets. Interacting with others feels too risky because I don't want to feel hurt or disappointed with people or life and get triggered into ideations. I feel I have been guilted into living in a way by family and the responsibility to my loved ones. I believe at some point in the future or once I am completely old, decrepit, & hopeless I may eventually take my life. I just hope to find a way that no one will notice that it was my doing so the ones I love will be able to avoid suffering more. It seems inevitable at some point in the distant future. I feel my depression is a slow suicide in a way because the things that come along with it effect your physical health and your behaviors and habits lead to a shorter life without you really being able to control it. I enjoy napping too much.

i'm 32 depressed since forever turned into existential nihilism and now waiting to die or to ctb when my body starts shitting out for real

I totally understand the existential nihilism.

 

[Rainking]

51. As long as I can remember. Growing up, I had extreme social anxiety before it was really recognized as a thing so I was just completely lost and confused for most of my childhood. I think the earliest that the thought of suicide crossed my mind was 12ish. The deep depression really hit in my early 20's so I guess around 30 years of depression.

 

[CutToRelease]

I'm 20 from California idk when it started further back I remember the more instance of intentional self harming behavior I remember. So yeah I just have felt like this for as long as I can remember.

 

[Dejected 55]

I turned 55 last month. I've been on and off depressed for most of my life, going back to childhood. I never used to be suicidal, though. I sometimes would feel like I understood how bad people who were must have felt, because I often felt really bad and wondered what was the point... but I never considered suicide until last year. Several things fell into place that just seem like the final nails in my coffin and I don't see any choice or any reason anymore to be here.

 

[lifeless.wav]

22, as much as I can remember.

 

[PrettyWhiteFlower]

I'm 38. I have memory problems so I don't remember much from my childhood but I have a memory of already hating myself and my appearance by the time I started school, so I guess 5. The depression probably started around 11 or 12. And I attempted once around 15. I had extreme mood swings all through my teens and 20s. Got taken to the doctors by my mum at 18, diagnosed with depression. Sent for counseling, didn't work. Put on antidepressants ever since. Attempt led a couple more times. But at 24 I got my first dog and I haven't attempted since. I still think about it on a daily basic though

 

[darksouls]

49 years old from Germany
I have been depressed for as long as I can remember
I had a sad childhood
I first had suicidal thoughts as a teenager
when I was about 14 years old

 

[xhelx]

20, started thinking seriously about suicide since around 12

 

[Anonymousa]

I am in my 20s now and have been suicidal since 12/13, mainly cus of school and gender dysphoria at the time but now with those gone i am suicidal for other reasons now.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

31, been suicidal since about 13/14. So I've officially been suicidal in my life for longer than I haven't.

 

[greebo6]

Age - Old...far too old...
How long suicidal - …. Forever...

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I'm 46. I was first actively suicidal at 15. I think passive ideation started around 10.

 

[SecretDissociation]

I'm 20. I remember having this depressed, sinking feeling at the age of eight for the first time. I felt like I knew what misery was that day. I started having suicidal ideation around a couple months after that. First it was I dont want to go there, then I don't want to wake up tomorrow, then I want to die, then I want to kill myself.

 

[miles-away]

12-13 is when I became very aware of my own mediocracy as a person.

 

[Uninteresting.]

old and rotten

 

[The Morningstar]

Since age 4.
I had terrible intestinal issues due to my parents' passively poisoning me with non-potable drinking water. They knew it was dangerous and didn't care.

My earliest memory is lying on the cold mint-green tiles of the dimly lit bathroom floor, doubled over in pain, praying to god to kill me.

He didn't answer.

I never spoke to him again.

I want to CTB in my 60s or 70s when my body starts to fail me/as a retirement plan.

I never stopped being suicidal: my reasons changed and matured as I did.
Sometimes impulsive thoughts crop up from time to time, but mostly my ideations are rational and set in the far(-ish) future.

 

[AshClouds]

age: 30s
Suicidal since I was 10/11yo

 

[malia]

I'm soon 30, and I remember crying and praying to God to kill me when I was around 13/14 yo. My parents just got divorced, my father was beating my mother, I was an outsider at school. I remember standing on the balcony, thinking about jumping.

 

[Imeavie]

Im 29, and had my first suicidal urge at 8 yrs old.

A car drove past me, and something inside told me I should step in front of it. It wasnt a voice, but it wasn't my own thoughts either. I wasn't depressed, sad, or even upset. I was scared after, and told my mother. She made a big deal, got me seeing Drs, and then once no one was around to give her attention at home, she didnt care. My depression only mattered in public.

Everything after has been my own decisions, or desires (save 2 psychotic episodes from alcohol od, and then paid drug trials).

 

[imtiredasf]

I'm 32 and I've been depressed since about 9/10-11. Suicidality entered my brain around 13, and I had my only attempt to ctb around then. I've had thoughts pretty consistently since then, so. Almost 20 years, give or take.

Fuck.

 

[The Unanswered Q]

Was around 10-12 when first became suicidal, first attempt at 14.

 

[Karera]

9 or 10 when I started becoming noticeably depressed and suicidal.

 

[quins]

I'm in my late forties. I've felt "suicidal" probably from quite a young age, though that feeling later metastasized into a greater disease of the mind in part due to a few bad experiences in life, a less-than-stellar social life, and years of loneliness to boot.

 

[jbdCkFqV]

I'm almost 40 and first attempted suicide when I was 8. Kid logic thought that taking a single pill of my sister's anti-seizure medication would instantly kill me.

I feel less alone seeing other people in this thread with similar histories

 

[PairOfAirJordan1’s]

18, but it started around 9 or 10.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

35 years old, been suicidal since I was 11. Got the grim reaper on speed dial.

 

[FoxSauce]

21 and been depressed since I was a little kid. Suicidal maybe at the same time.

Its mostly ups and lows

 

[ComparativelyHonest]

24, had it since about 11 or 12. It's never meaningfully got better. I've had weeks or so on vacation where everything is fine, but it comes back eventually. First time it got really bad I got referred to help from the NHS, and got declined. To this day, when people say "oh have you tried talking to a professional?" it pisses me off. Of course I've talked to them.

Those idiots ruined my life and every time I try and get help I just get passed around like a hot potato because they don't want it to be their fault, and risk assessed but never actually offered anything meaningful to help.

I bet when I'm gone people are gonna blame it on this forum but actually it just seems like a community of people who respect each other's choices instead of the vacuous faux-positivity that always gets thrown around. Dying is my choice to make and I think I'm gonna make it one day soon. I just hope it can be as peaceful as possible.
24, had it since about 11 or 12. It's never meaningfully got better. I've had weeks or so on vacation where everything is fine, but it comes back eventually. First time it got really bad I got referred to help from the NHS, and got declined. To this day, when people say "oh have you tried talking to a professional?" it pisses me off. Of course I've talked to them.

Those idiots ruined my life and every time I try and get help I just get passed around like a hot potato because they don't want it to be their fault, and risk assessed but never actually offered anything meaningful to help.

I bet when I'm gone people are gonna blame it on this forum but actually it just seems like a community of people who respect each other's choices instead of the vacuous faux-positivity that always gets thrown around. Dying is my choice to make and I think I'm gonna make it one day soon. I just hope it can be as peaceful as possible.

 

[Someplace_nice]

I am now 23 and have been depressed and miserable since I was 7.

 

[rururiruru]

the first strike was probably in 2012/2013
things went through and yet theyre still there haunting