how much space does ctb take up in your mind?

[h4ppyhypoxia]

i was wondering on average how often you guys think about ctb in a day

over the past couple of months, its personally taken my mind over completely, and ive got little room for much else, whenever friends go to see me ive always got the thought in the back of my mind that this is one of the last times, despite struggling with anorexia, ive been binge eating, because who cares if im going to gain weight? ill be dead in a couple of months, its my last chance to have this food! i spend my days thinking about my decision to ctb and weighing up the options, despite the fact im already certain i want to go through with it, theres very little time where im actually not thinking about this, ive become obsessed with dying, was wondering if anyone else felt the same or if its moreso passing thoughts?

 

[KatalinaKrimson]

I would say about half of my time thinking in the past 2 months

 

[Pluto]

 

[SilentVelvet]

I don't know exactly how often I think about it, but definitely every day, multiple times a day.

When I cross the street, I don't even check for cars anymore. Deep down, I find myself hoping that I'll get hit and die. Even when I'm out having dinner with friends, I often think about it, and every time I'm reminded of this feeling that I'm simply not made for life

 

[thisisanerror]

Increasingly for the last two months. These past two weeks it is all I think about from the moment I wake up to the second I go to sleep. I want to be more proactive about it, but every method I find appealing has so many steps and require materials that aren't easily accessible so I shut down. Wishing I had someone to guide me step by step or at least accompany me in the journey haha. Probably 95% of my thoughts lead to ctb.

 

[Pvnie]

I think about it everyday when I wake up. My awareness is a constant reminder. Id say suicidal thoughts take up 2 hours of my day. Used to be worse though.

 

[hughmun9]

30% of my thoughts

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Since the start of this year, when I made the decision to exit this miserable dump of a planet, I would say about every 20 minutes it is on my mind.

 

[thelostautistic]

I think about ending my life everyday. I've been thinking about it for nearly 13 years. It takes up a lot of space in my mind. I'm just used to it now.

 

[Die.A.Ria]

Im always thinking about it and daydreaming of how it would be like.
i never went a day without thinking of it

 

[valar_morghulis21]

i was wondering on average how often you guys think about ctb in a day

over the past couple of months, its personally taken my mind over completely, and ive got little room for much else, whenever friends go to see me ive always got the thought in the back of my mind that this is one of the last times, despite struggling with anorexia, ive been binge eating, because who cares if im going to gain weight? ill be dead in a couple of months, its my last chance to have this food! i spend my days thinking about my decision to ctb and weighing up the options, despite the fact im already certain i want to go through with it, theres very little time where im actually not thinking about this, ive become obsessed with dying, was wondering if anyone else felt the same or if its moreso passing thoughts?

Pretty much everyday, it's always in the background no matter what I do. Becomes very handy when some inconveniences happen, like who cares I'm not gonna be here that long to deal with that bs.

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

Increasingly for the last two months. These past two weeks it is all I think about from the moment I wake up to the second I go to sleep. I want to be more proactive about it, but every method I find appealing has so many steps and require materials that aren't easily accessible so I shut down. Wishing I had someone to guide me step by step or at least accompany me in the journey haha. Probably 95% of my thoughts lead to ctb.

this is exactly how i feel id give so much to have a friend irl who's also pro choice with similar thoughts willing to help and disgustingly educated in ctb methods who i could talk to about this stuff

 

[balladeer]

97% of my brain. Only thing that's stopping me is the timing, I wish to be fully prepared and ready before the process.

 

[makotoyuki]

Almost every day of the week but on weekends, I reach my peak.

I shut off or control those feelings by drinking whisky, gin, or vermouth.

 

[throwawaygirl]

I think of it everyday, pretty much 24/7. Im pretty much stuck at home all day and its all I can really think about doing.

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

97% of my brain. Only thing that's stopping me is the timing, I wish to be fully prepared and ready before the process.

were in the exact same boat

 

[lifesnotfair]

Since I sit around all day with nothing to do to divert my attention from these thoughts, I would say that it takes up a significant portion of my mind. Perhaps starting school will help.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

Probably over 50%. Even when I'm doing other things, the thought is still in my head.

 

[SpreadingEnergy]

I think about it every waking hour of every day. I cannot do this shit anymore. It is so hard to function.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's all I could ever wish and hope for, in this existence of torturous, futile suffering the peace of non-existence is all I could ever see as positive and I just wish I never suffered more than anything, to me existence will just always be a mistake that only ever tortures existing beings and I'll just always see it as an abomination to suffer in this existence.

I'll just always see existence as the problem, for me ceasing to exist is the positive solution to find peace from all future pain and suffering in this existence that is just waiting for death anyway, I'll always find it so deeply undesirable to exist and it's just so horrible how the torture of being burdened with this existence can continue for so long just for one to face the agony of old age, all I want is to erase this existence so it's like I never suffered.

 

[itsgone2]

I think about it every waking hour of every day. I cannot do this shit anymore. It is so hard to function.

Same

 

[Lastact]

i was wondering on average how often you guys think about ctb in a day

over the past couple of months, its personally taken my mind over completely, and ive got little room for much else, whenever friends go to see me ive always got the thought in the back of my mind that this is one of the last times, despite struggling with anorexia, ive been binge eating, because who cares if im going to gain weight? ill be dead in a couple of months, its my last chance to have this food! i spend my days thinking about my decision to ctb and weighing up the options, despite the fact im already certain i want to go through with it, theres very little time where im actually not thinking about this, ive become obsessed with dying, was wondering if anyone else felt the same or if its moreso passing thoughts?

I think about it everyday. When I'm on my phone I go to sasu automatically. It destroys me. Its feels like a automatism and I can't do anything about it. I think it's approximately 5 times a day. But sometimes I'm on sasu for far too long, for hours...not knowing what I look for.
Espacially when I'm bored and have nothing to do, sasu is my new instagram. It sounds so ridiculous

 

[delinquentsandwich]

basically any time I am not fully distracted
music used to take my mind away from the thoughts but not anymore

reading manga helps but my mind wanders very easily

 

[Argent]

At work I'm constantly thinking about it.
When I'm on the road I often think about it.
When I'm at home, I think about it unless I'm talking to someone else.

I just can't fathom going back to anti-depressants. Because they quieted this noise for me, but I also felt as if I were lying to myself by taking them.

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

It's all I could ever wish and hope for, in this existence of torturous, futile suffering the peace of non-existence is all I could ever see as positive and I just wish I never suffered more than anything, to me existence will just always be a mistake that only ever tortures existing beings and I'll just always see it as an abomination to suffer in this existence.

I'll just always see existence as the problem, for me ceasing to exist is the positive solution to find peace from all future pain and suffering in this existence that is just waiting for death anyway, I'll always find it so deeply undesirable to exist and it's just so horrible how the torture of being burdened with this existence can continue for so long just for one to face the agony of old age, all I want is to erase this existence so it's like I never suffered.

ive so often said this part of my reason to ctb isnt even bc of the suffering caused by my mental illness its just the simple fact i exist is something I reject as you didnt consent to it and are going to be subjected to horrible suffering, being born was the cruelest thing that ever happened to me

 

[StupidGirl001]

i was wondering on average how often you guys think about ctb in a day

over the past couple of months, its personally taken my mind over completely, and ive got little room for much else, whenever friends go to see me ive always got the thought in the back of my mind that this is one of the last times, despite struggling with anorexia, ive been binge eating, because who cares if im going to gain weight? ill be dead in a couple of months, its my last chance to have this food! i spend my days thinking about my decision to ctb and weighing up the options, despite the fact im already certain i want to go through with it, theres very little time where im actually not thinking about this, ive become obsessed with dying, was wondering if anyone else felt the same or if its moreso passing thoughts?

Every day, all day

Its so difficult to read, do summer homework, listen to music... it just reminds me how much I'm different, wrong, unfit for living.

this is exactly how i feel id give so much to have a friend irl who's also pro choice with similar thoughts willing to help and disgustingly educated in ctb methods who i could talk to about this stuff

I have an irl friend who is suicidal, like me
I didn't wanna tell her I was planning, I've been distancing myself from her from months
But somehow she asked be explicitly about it. I told her the truth

She understands my reasoning, but knowing I'm just waiting until my final date made her even more depressed. I'm sorry I did that to her, I shouldn't have told her
She also understood I'm gaining knowledge from a website, but I refused to tell her the name. I hope SaSu doesn't become too famous

She is great. I just don't want her to end the same way I'll do (hopefully) soon.

 

[Passenger4224]

I am always thinking about it. I recently got hyperfixated on a video game and I still think about suicide in the back of my head

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Increasingly for the last two months. These past two weeks it is all I think about from the moment I wake up to the second I go to sleep. I want to be more proactive about it, but every method I find appealing has so many steps and require materials that aren't easily accessible so I shut down. Wishing I had someone to guide me step by step or at least accompany me in the journey haha. Probably 95% of my thoughts lead to ctb.

i need to get closer to that 95% . i need to kill myself asap. wasting too much time on pleasure addition garbage they programmed me from 0 to 18 years and beyond to become addicted to that crap like watching youtube videos all day etc. .

 

[Risingsadness]

Hours per day and it's making me a wreck. I wish I could just do it and get it over with.

 

[NickyKymJelly]

A few times a day. It's a little helpful though since I tell myself that I can't die until I accomplish a few goals of mine. Some days though, I feel like throwing it all away and would end my life then and there if I could.