Discussion How many people here have kept their intentions to CTB a secret from family/friends?

[onbekend]

I am wondering if many people are in the same boat. I have plenty of people that talk to me but none of them have any idea of my wish to die.

 

[Hardcore_Henry]

same, absolutely nobody knows about my intentions. i feel ive done a good job of hiding it. honestly it would only hurt them to know.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

i'm not sure how to answer. i have no1 in my life to tell but my mom, and she knows that i've been suicidal since 16 and has basically just been watching me deteriorate for the last 6 years. i haven't outright told her, "I'm going to jump off a building in a few weeks," but i've raised all the red flags. talked to her about what i want after i die, obituaries, social media-izing it, suicide in general, etc. voted no bc that's what seems the closest.

 

[pole]

i don't think it is something you can tell just about anyone.

it would be opening up a can of worms. i do not have anyone in my life that i trust and could be certain that they would hold that secret, respect it, while also trying to understand how I'm feeling and be there for me.

more times than not, you telling someone your desire to CTB will result in them running the other way. many cannot shoulder the weight of our issues, will make us feel like we're the problem, and sometimes will also play the victim and blame us for overwhelming them or something. they'll then wish us the best and leave out the door.

humans will always human. be wary.

 

[oblivion_handmade]

One of my biggest regrets is talking openly about my struggles and ideations. I believed that I should "reach out" to people I thought I was close to. Did nothing but isolate me further. Never again.

 

[sklvlp999]

I feel like telling my closest ones alot of times but I know it wouldn't change anything

 

[F@#$]

I haven't just outright told anyone "I want to kill myself. ". But I'm sure anyone who knows me knows I welcome death.

 

[soverydonewiththis]

Hello:

As I'm new here I'll try and relate my experiences. I had a nephew that came to me with an ex-gf tormenting him (intentionally, like a cat playing with a dying bird) and tried to explain to him that he had to just get her out of his life. If he saw her walking on the street, go the other way, if she called don't answer and erase the message before listening, etc. A really sweet kid (17 years old) but a month later, he put the barrel of an 1891 Mosin-Nagant Russian battle rifle in his mouth and pulled the trigger with his toe. That was a very definite CTB with no ifs, ands, or buts about it. So he was giving off some ctb vibes, but not enough that people thought he'd act on it. Being emotional and despondent is one thing, most outsiders don't know what it's like to live in that hell, nor do they want to know (a problem in itself). When I attempted in 2013, I failed badly mostly due to method (insulin overdose, IM injection being the fault). My best friend found me and while I was in the psych ward (hell by another name) for two weeks, a number of friends stopped by to see me and "cheer me up". Almost ALL of them admitted to thinking and some almost acting on a desire to ctb. ALL of them said they'd never confided this info to anyone and asked me never to tell anyone. When I've gone on to tell people in forums, live discussions, etc., I've almost always had people come up to me afterward and tell their stories, either about themselves or those they were close to.

I still have to make sure there is no one I speak of current plans or my mental state to. Once you've been commited and are in the system, there is no second chance or explaining it away to the the polics should they stop by.

It's sad that it's such a taboo subject. I think one of the healthiest things would being able to discuss this publicly without sanctions. Many people just being able to to talk with others - if they are on the fence, it would help them decide on life or death. But people's fear of death is primal and hardwired in. Add religon and you get a whole additional layer of crazy on top of natural self-preservation. We ALL die, no exceptions. I'd rather it be by my own choice and by my hand than that bitch mother nature taking her sweet time...

 

[natthebrat]

Complete secret, I haven't even told my gf or my HS best friend (and I've always been much more open about other things with them than I am with anyone else), bc I know they'd just try to fill my head with false hope.

 

[Deadfrogwalking]

Asking for help or telling anyone just leads to freedoms being taken, others making money off my/our suffering, high human drama and pity unwanted.
This site is the only place you can speak of this path without judgment or caustic intervention and maybe even live longer or find peace in life during that interaction.

 

[wCvML2]

The intention is not a secret, all my relatives know I'm suicidal because of psych ward hospitalizations. I got the opportunity to bluntly say in the car on the way there that I'll kill myself one day no matter what. Just the specifics of the plan are secret to not let anyone intervene, but they won't be surprised when it happens. Maybe even relieved because of letting go the anticipation of 'when is it going to happen'.

 

[cece3535]

nope, nobody. Its kind of funny since before when i was depressed, i wanted all my friends to know i was hurt, but now i dont want anyone to know anymore,it really feels like i've lost hope and i've given up on trying to reach out for help

 

[Guy Smiley]

My family, doctors, therapist, etc all know I've had, and continue to have, suicidal ideations but I haven't told anyone that I'm actually making plans. Whenever any of them point blank ask me if I have any actual plans or intentions, I lie and say no.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I've gone to the psych ward because I was suicidal. No one gave a shit. Me staying alive or me being was of no consequence to them. My pain, misery, and loneliness couldn't mean less to them.

 

[UKscotty]

Unless someone wants to get better, telling people can not do anything positive in my view. Just makes being restrained likely, or people will see us a liability and a burden.

 

[Quotable2793]

All my family and friends know I have been suicidal and in the psych ward several times. I've only told one of my two best friends that I plan to kill myself in the future. He knows that I don't want to be talked out of it, and I promised him it wouldn't be for a while.

 

[rg145612]

i don't think it is something you can tell just about anyone.

it would be opening up a can of worms. i do not have anyone in my life that i trust and could be certain that they would hold that secret, respect it, while also trying to understand how I'm feeling and be there for me.

more times than not, you telling someone your desire to CTB will result in them running the other way. many cannot shoulder the weight of our issues, will make us feel like we're the problem, and sometimes will also play the victim and blame us for overwhelming them or something. they'll then wish us the best and leave out the door.

humans will always human. be wary.

That's absolutely true! And another thing: is like putting a very heavy weight on somebody's shoulder that they don't need! That's OUR problem, not theirs! So, what are they gonna do knowing that? Nothing, just to stress their self

 

[LifeTransit_1]

I have kept mine a secret only becuase of their anti-suicide stance. Plus the fact they would beat the shit out of me if I told them.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Yes and no, but anyway nobody take me seriously. Except my mum but she knows anyway that I have the knowledge and the means in such a case since decades. The good thing was - I did not have to consider CTB during most of my life time what made it pretty easy. But now, I have to.

 

[FuneralCry]

I see it as for the best not to be open about wanting to die especially as we exist in such an anti-suicide society where many refuse to accept suicide as the valid personal choice that it is. I find it horrifying how people have been punished by being locked in psych wards simply for wishing to escape from an existence that they never consented to and aren't obligated to delay the inevitable in.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've told friends in the past that I was suicidal- when I got the impression they felt the same way. I've never told anyone I intend to actually do it or, have the means to do it.

 

[funnyjoy]

Mostly. I've been keeping books and such on my phone about this, and as my wallpaper it's my password and a message to go to the notes app to read my suicide note, but nobody's cared enough to really do anything about seeing it

 

[Miku _fanboy101]

My friends just assume (they are right) but I can't help but to get so pissed off at them for even telling me what I am when I am not

 

[mortuarymary]

Partner knows. Step pops knows and niece knows. Even the doctors.
partner cried when he found out I was suffering that much.

 

[BlackMoon]

My partner know. They said they would hate me if I do it (serious tone), and that they wish they could resurrect me just to punish me by torture (with a semi-joke tone).

Do I need to explain why I don't care about their future reaction when they'll discover my body ?

 

[Thanksforeverything]

Suicide is such a stigmatized thing in society that most people never openly speak about it, me included. For me, my family's completely out of the equation. I know I'd just make them feel guilty about it when I eventually go through with my plans. I don't want them to think that they could have "Fixed" me somehow. I've spoken to a few friends about it, but only because I knew that they would understand. But it hurts to see these people in pain and flustered because of my ideation. So, I kind of wish I kept my lips a little tighter.

 

[mortuarymary]

My partner know. They said they would hate me if I do it (serious tone), and that they wish they could resurrect me just to punish me by torture (with a semi-joke tone).

Do I need to explain why I don't care about their future reaction when they'll discover my body ?

I did offer to haunt my partner.

 

[thinvy]

I mean in my case, sort of no, but sort of yes? I didn't tell my roommates "oh on x day of y month I'm going to kill myself using z" but I have told them im not making it to 30 and the fact that I've made it this far is shocking, and I probably won't be around to see things that are supposed to happen in the not so distant future.

I am also incredibly accident prone and not in decent health, so they may not have taken it as what it was meant to be (a warning not to expect me in their lives much further) and instead took it as some shit will probably kill me soon.

 

[onbekend]

I am wondering if many people are in the same boat. I have plenty of people that talk to me but none of them have any idea of my wish to die.

So, Interestingly enough, the night after posting this one of my family members managed to find some stuff about me that made them suspect my intentions. I managed to lie my way out of it, but that was really a close one and the timing is really strange.

I'm probably gonna start using TOR browser and other devices than my PC to browse on here now.

 

[notori]

Haven't told a soul. The first time I attempted to CTB a lot of people knew I was suicidal. It felt like I was being belittled always. when people say things things like "I'm so glad you're still here with us" or "you're not alone in this" it makes me SO inexplicably angry. Now it's been a few years since my first anttempt and when I do it this time I'm going to fully go through with it and I don't want anyone to stop me. I don't want people to pity me before hand or have to look out and see if I'm a danger to myself. I just want to die and finally achieve peace.