How long have you been feeling suicidal for?

[Cauliflour]

I don't even know tbh. I've been passively suicidal for so long that I can't pinpoint a specific age where it manifested. All I can pinpoint is when I started cutting/upped the severity of said cutting but I never started with the intention that I wanted to die, so maybe since I was 14? I started getting pretty morbid thoughts around then, maybe that's when the suicide creeped in. Honestly I don't know though.

 

[dearn]

IVe been a bit depressed since my 7, after my father death. But suicidal during middle school when my sister started to be physically violent/lock me outside naked while I was bullied at school. So I would say 7yo

 

[dondada123456]

going on 9 years

 

[wastedenergy]

Nearly 14 years

 

[thedevillily]

I think the first time I can remember feeling like this, I was a little kid, maybe 9 years old. It's always been an on and off kind of thing until the past month or so. It's much more intense, and instead of kind of flinching internally when I think about it, now the idea of being gone just sounds really nice. Even being in the ground, or just in a cold dark place, sounds like I just want to curl up there.

 

[mac_se]

10-15 years, starting in my early teens

 

[citrusfruit]

9 years

 

[Vivissa]

almost 10 years

 

[jumpingoffpoint]

for me it kinda got worse over time. but for others it can be different.

Yep this is the same for me too - just got worse no matter what I threw at making my life better, and I threw a lot. Hope things get better for you, regardless :)

 

[tomame]

since 13. im 31 now

 

[MephiticShadow]

30 years

 

[Makethemsuffer]

First time I reckon being suicidal was at the age of 10

 

[Kabalite]

Many years. In the past I always longed for death in an abstract, romanticized sense I suppose. More recently I've been looking at it in a more practical way. I'm tired of fighting. Tired of having things in my hands that I want and then letting them slip away. I'm tired of hurting others and failing at everything. I'm tired of living. Ever since I was a child I felt this way, experienced these things in one way or another. Death comes no matter what. It's just a matter of whether it comes naturally or by my own hand, provided things get bad enough in my life. They're teetering on the edge now. We'll see. It could go either way.

 

[middlelord]

When i was in high school, i didn't exactly want to CTB. However, i could not picture myself anywhere in the world after high school graduation. I had thought that the world would surely end nearly after the graduation (2019). Yet, it did not.

I went to a good college because that's the right thing to do. I say that i want to work as a lawyer after college, because that's the right dream to have. I joined orgs because that's the path to take. Then, 2022 comes around. Covid didn't end the world. It ended my naive belief that I didn't have to do jack sh*t to go early.

So, I guess since 4 years ago.

 

[kittybangbang]

My first attempt was when I was 13. That was 21 years ago. But I've been suicidal since I was probably 7 or 8. So....most of my life.

 

[LakeMungoGirl]

I thought a lot about dying when i was a kid, mostly because my parents are uber-religious Scientologists and convinced me that reincarnation is real. So I thought, if dying means I have a chance to be born into a better family, why not just CTB? It seemed like watertight logic at the time, and I wish I'd just done it. Now I'm 19 and just had my first real attempt at CTB. I guess that desire never truly went away, but actually became stronger.

 

[tomame]

14 was my first attempt

 

[kunikuzushi]

First suicidal thought was probably 17 years ago. But I've been consistenly suicidal for 15 years since I was 18. I just keep postponing my death.

 

[findingpeace08]

Jesus, i have been suicidal for 4 years. Since i was 14, i'm surprised to see the comments here show people usually have a lot more

Im astonished

 

[bluecarats]

Since middle school

 

[suicide_grrl]

Oh my god, 6 years. I've just realized how long I've been suffering.

 

[Its almost time!]

As long as I can remember really. I never felt like a human. I have always felt radically inhuman which has led to severe isolation. I never cared about the things other people cared about, and I have suffered from drdp + depression forever. fun combo right?

 

[Suine Kurisu]

it's been so long i can't remember the last time i wanted to live. come to think of it, i think the first time i asked myself if i wanted to live knew i didn't. it's pretty much always been a passive ideation of mine but i was 14 when i attempted for the first time. i'm 22 now, never thought i'd make it to this point, and have always told myself i would go through with it the moment i had a chance. hopefully that chance is soon

 

[goodbycruelworld]

Probably close to my whole life, ever since I can remember

 

[2Sensible]

Since i was 13 years old. So it will be 10 years soon.

 

[infinitanocte]

Not sure exactly when but like a lot of other people, since I was a kid? I was already somewhat melancholy as a kid. But it was probably got serious starting around 12.

 

[LRkin]

15 years or so

 

[ctb_warrior]

2 decades and still counting

I thought about eating rat poison when I was 8ish. Depressed but not suicidal in high school. Then in my adulthood on and off for the last 20 years to a near constant thought in the last 5.

You reminded me of something. In India, there was this product ratkill, it was paraffin based if i rem correctly. I ate two of them, i was so naive and desperate back then, interestingly, nothing happened. When i researched now, it says, it could have caused internal bleeding. I got lucky.