Fear and guilt, mostly. There was a little bit of hope too but I'll be honest that's all been gone for a while now. There are a few people who I deeply care about and I worry how my death would affect them, though admittedly that alone I don't think is enough to keep me here. Not sure what that says about me.
I'm afraid of failing again, and also I just have a general fear of dying. Which is strange, because I definitely don't want to be here anymore, at all, I've made up my mind on that, but that survival instinct is just really strong still. There's been a few times since where I've been really close, like, gun in my mouth close, but I just couldn't overcome that fear.
I've realized I want to go peacefully. I want to be calm and relaxed in my final moments, not overcome with fear and emotion. So for now I'm just waiting for the right moment with the right method, and that hasn't come yet.