i don't want to give you a grim telling of "life is sadly like this", because this just obfuscates the inherent complication of life itself. the same way some find suicide to be an option and the one to make sense, life does for others too. they are both as true. and they all depend on each other. the biggest issue here is knowing what it's gonna be like for you- within your limitations and capacity, what you can do about it.
for me, it started feeling better some days ago, worse some months later, better back again the following days. it's never as stable as i think it is. but i have pinned down some ways i know it makes me want to try for life, even if just for a bit longer. i know it's a common thing that people will say "live, just for the spite of it!" (that can become overwhelmingly annoying, too), but it did help. I started reading more authors that did end up ending their lives, from different perspectives, and I have taken to art to let some stuff go. I'm not concerned about fate or what it means to read them. I feel seen by them and I am able to create. It's better, currently. I'm open to it being worse later.
Active suicide ideation got better when I let myself out of my comfort zone. I would put myself in such fucking situations that, right because of the nihilist, removed approach I had on everything, I didn't fear much for what others would think, and this snake that bites its own tail led me to busy myself with things that overwhelmed most of my senses, to a point where nothing got as loud as that moment. it would draw me to feel as alive as one can. curious. in my case, making music with people who depend on me as much as I do on them and being fucking loud and scared about every rehearsal, kinda is doing the thing, amongst many others. it just drowns everything else out. and screaming is fun. i'm terrified about playing live. it's making it all quite worth it for me right now. getting better at drawing also helps me a lot on some days. the "what if..." is starting to make quite a lot of sense for me.
so, i'm not sure it ever goes away. but you can try and exhaust every route you can come up with. overwhelm your senses. you'll be tired some days, a lot of them. me too. it fucking sucks. i feel like my emotions are out of control every week. there's still a lot to exhaust. from puppyboy to puppyboy, i hope you're feeling better soon, and that you find some routes to exhaust first. here if you need anything :)
